Neurodiverse Love: Adam & Becca’s Journey to Connection (Part 2/2)

954
00:41:54,998 --> 00:41:56,070
Just a little explanation.

955
00:41:56,102 --> 00:41:59,382
Men are really important in our religion
because they have to get together in a certain

956
00:41:59,438 --> 00:42:02,070
group of amount of men to pray certain
prayers.

957
00:42:02,222 --> 00:42:04,834
And if there's not enough men, so he's like a
big deal.

958
00:42:05,374 --> 00:42:08,742
Moshe: Yes. I get to be the center of
attention when I absolutely do not want to be

959
00:42:08,758 --> 00:42:09,694
the center of attention.

960
00:42:09,774 --> 00:42:11,582
Leah: But the thing is, people keep touching.

961
00:42:11,638 --> 00:42:13,294
Moshe: Me and trying to shake my hand.

962
00:42:13,334 --> 00:42:18,490
Leah: We're expected to go to everything, and
ultimately he's the one who wants to go to

963
00:42:18,522 --> 00:42:18,834
everything.

964
00:42:18,914 --> 00:42:21,234
But then he panics and goes, can I stand

965
00:42:21,274 --> 00:42:23,578
behind you?
It's so loud and I don't want to.

966
00:42:23,706 --> 00:42:25,578
If we bring Avraham, it's terrible.

967
00:42:25,706 --> 00:42:26,506
Becca: I have to have him with.

968
00:42:26,530 --> 00:42:32,626
Leah: No. Yeah. He's not subtle like Moshe, so
he'll just be like, I don't want to be here.

969
00:42:32,650 --> 00:42:35,778
And he'll throw himself on the walk because it
is loud.

970
00:42:35,826 --> 00:42:37,214
It's like a lot of things.

971
00:42:37,594 --> 00:42:39,682
So we sort of have that ironic thing where

972
00:42:39,698 --> 00:42:43,354
Moshe is the important one and he wants to go,
but then when we get there, he's like, I.

973
00:42:43,434 --> 00:42:48,114
There's noise and I need to hold on to your
skirt for a minute.

974
00:42:48,274 --> 00:42:50,554
Becca: Yeah. Yes, I remember that.

975
00:42:50,594 --> 00:42:51,694
I remember being Holden.

976
00:42:52,714 --> 00:42:56,010
Leah: That actually happened recently at one
of the events where you were having a rough

977
00:42:56,042 --> 00:43:00,498
day and you had a full on big boy meltdown and
people were coming up to us going, is he okay?

978
00:43:00,546 --> 00:43:01,454
Does he need.

979
00:43:01,754 --> 00:43:02,538
It was hot.

980
00:43:02,626 --> 00:43:04,602
We're in Israel, so it was really hot outside.

981
00:43:04,658 --> 00:43:07,818
So does he need, you know, emergency services?

982
00:43:07,946 --> 00:43:08,778
People didn't know.

983
00:43:08,826 --> 00:43:10,650
And I was like, we're fine.

984
00:43:10,722 --> 00:43:11,346
Move along.

985
00:43:11,450 --> 00:43:12,694
Moshe: It was a kids event.

986
00:43:13,114 --> 00:43:14,986
They let the kids go in the ambulance and turn

987
00:43:15,010 --> 00:43:15,650
on the siren.

988
00:43:15,682 --> 00:43:18,066
And I was like, they need to stop doing that

989
00:43:18,090 --> 00:43:19,250
because I'm going to have to leave.

990
00:43:19,322 --> 00:43:19,594
Becca: Yeah.

991
00:43:19,634 --> 00:43:24,386
Leah: It wasn't an enclosed space I didn't
even understand because it was an event for

992
00:43:24,450 --> 00:43:25,714
special needs kids.

993
00:43:25,874 --> 00:43:27,186
That's how we got invited.

994
00:43:27,250 --> 00:43:33,002
It was for Avram's little group there, and he
just had a full on big boy meltdown, and

995
00:43:33,058 --> 00:43:35,434
people were concerned, and people were asking
me, what's going.

996
00:43:35,474 --> 00:43:36,882
Becca: On that makes it worse.

997
00:43:36,938 --> 00:43:38,738
Leah: Nothing. Please go away.

998
00:43:38,826 --> 00:43:39,788
Yeah, exactly.

999
00:43:39,836 --> 00:43:45,116
So I'm sort of an area there, because I'm not
shy to tell people that, you know, my

1000
00:43:45,140 --> 00:43:45,596
husband's fine.

1001
00:43:45,620 --> 00:43:46,180
I know what he needs.

1002
00:43:46,212 --> 00:43:47,212
You need to leave now.

1003
00:43:47,268 --> 00:43:47,732
Thank you.

1004
00:43:47,788 --> 00:43:51,716
Becca: Yeah, we have, like, actual, like, and
I know, like, the churches we've been to,

1005
00:43:51,740 --> 00:43:56,260
there are these things called greeters, and it
is like, they've always been my worst

1006
00:43:56,372 --> 00:43:56,940
nightmare.

1007
00:43:57,012 --> 00:43:58,740
And it's like you have to shake everyone's

1008
00:43:58,772 --> 00:43:59,252
hand.

1009
00:43:59,388 --> 00:43:59,820
Leah: Yeah.

1010
00:43:59,892 --> 00:44:03,596
Becca: And, like, well, we went to one event,
and they were.

1011
00:44:03,620 --> 00:44:05,316
They had greeters outside the door.

1012
00:44:05,380 --> 00:44:07,100
Like, usually if they're inside, I can avoid

1013
00:44:07,132 --> 00:44:10,652
them, but if they're outside the door and,
like, immediately him and another one of our

1014
00:44:10,668 --> 00:44:14,466
friends back at me because they know I'm in
trouble, they immediately could.

1015
00:44:14,530 --> 00:44:14,922
They already.

1016
00:44:14,978 --> 00:44:15,954
They already know.

1017
00:44:16,114 --> 00:44:17,154
And I'm just like.

1018
00:44:17,194 --> 00:44:19,410
I literally was like this the whole time, and

1019
00:44:19,442 --> 00:44:20,610
one of the guys was like, don't worry.

1020
00:44:20,642 --> 00:44:21,322
We won't touch you.

1021
00:44:21,338 --> 00:44:23,930
And I'm like, you better not, like, because
I'm just.

1022
00:44:24,002 --> 00:44:25,578
I'm not having it today.

1023
00:44:25,706 --> 00:44:26,082
Adam: Yeah.

1024
00:44:26,138 --> 00:44:26,658
Becca: But it's.

1025
00:44:26,706 --> 00:44:29,178
It's a very uncomfortable, very uncomfortable

1026
00:44:29,226 --> 00:44:29,410
thing.

1027
00:44:29,442 --> 00:44:32,362
And I grew up with a very independent, like,

1028
00:44:32,458 --> 00:44:32,826
mother.

1029
00:44:32,890 --> 00:44:33,974
Like, she is.

1030
00:44:35,154 --> 00:44:37,376
My friends used to think that she just hated
men.

1031
00:44:37,490 --> 00:44:39,972
And, I mean, she, you know, she does, though.

1032
00:44:40,028 --> 00:44:40,580
She kind of.

1033
00:44:40,612 --> 00:44:43,636
I mean, she has reason to.

1034
00:44:43,780 --> 00:44:46,236
All the men in our family have just been kind

1035
00:44:46,260 --> 00:44:48,204
of awful, and they really have.

1036
00:44:48,244 --> 00:44:50,372
It's extremely unfortunate, but she is the

1037
00:44:50,388 --> 00:44:52,852
kind of person that can do everything by
herself.

1038
00:44:52,908 --> 00:44:56,668
She doesn't need help, and I have that in me,
too, a bit.

1039
00:44:56,716 --> 00:44:58,508
And it's like, I don't.

1040
00:44:58,596 --> 00:44:59,572
I don't do well.

1041
00:44:59,668 --> 00:45:04,284
I've never done well with, like, teamwork or,
like, oh, find a buddy, you know, that kind of

1042
00:45:04,324 --> 00:45:05,292
thing in school.

1043
00:45:05,388 --> 00:45:07,564
And so everybody always just thought, like,

1044
00:45:07,604 --> 00:45:08,708
oh, she's just a loner.

1045
00:45:08,796 --> 00:45:11,826
She's just kind of weird and whatever, and she

1046
00:45:11,850 --> 00:45:13,674
does these weird things, but that's just.

1047
00:45:13,714 --> 00:45:14,642
Cause she's weird.

1048
00:45:14,738 --> 00:45:19,890
But if, like, I feel like if it were like, I
don't know, say, a boy in our class that was

1049
00:45:19,922 --> 00:45:25,170
doing it, they'd be like, oh, well, he's got,
you know, he has autism or he has adhd or.

1050
00:45:25,282 --> 00:45:25,730
And that's.

1051
00:45:25,762 --> 00:45:27,306
I worry about that with, like, if.

1052
00:45:27,410 --> 00:45:28,826
If Camilla has adhd.

1053
00:45:28,890 --> 00:45:31,294
Like, I worry about people just calling her

1054
00:45:31,834 --> 00:45:34,226
other things and because I, like, I'm worried
about.

1055
00:45:34,290 --> 00:45:39,656
They do these crazy tests starting at third
grade here where it's like, it's a lot of

1056
00:45:39,680 --> 00:45:41,328
pressure on third graders.

1057
00:45:41,376 --> 00:45:41,800
Like, they.

1058
00:45:41,832 --> 00:45:42,136
They have.

1059
00:45:42,160 --> 00:45:44,104
It's timed and it has to be and that.

1060
00:45:44,184 --> 00:45:46,200
I hate timed things, first of all.

1061
00:45:46,272 --> 00:45:46,552
Yeah.

1062
00:45:46,608 --> 00:45:47,904
And I know she can't do time.

1063
00:45:48,064 --> 00:45:48,752
Yeah.

1064
00:45:48,888 --> 00:45:54,880
And so I worry that she already has a hard
time just sitting through these classes that

1065
00:45:54,912 --> 00:45:56,872
take a long time and sitting and just.

1066
00:45:56,928 --> 00:45:57,120
She.

1067
00:45:57,152 --> 00:46:00,560
I mean, she's been in tears before where it's
just like, she can't.

1068
00:46:00,752 --> 00:46:01,864
She hates it.

1069
00:46:01,984 --> 00:46:04,668
So, like, I'm like, if I could just get maybe

1070
00:46:04,716 --> 00:46:09,156
some sort of accommodation where she could get
up and move around during these tests, get

1071
00:46:09,180 --> 00:46:13,220
some energy out, get some, like, run around
because they're even shortening their recess,

1072
00:46:13,292 --> 00:46:15,500
like, to 20 minutes instead of 30 minutes.

1073
00:46:15,532 --> 00:46:16,948
And this is like their third grade, their

1074
00:46:16,996 --> 00:46:17,584
children.

1075
00:46:17,964 --> 00:46:18,684
And it just really.

1076
00:46:18,724 --> 00:46:22,956
That really bothers me because I'm worried
that she's gonna have a lot of problems with

1077
00:46:22,980 --> 00:46:25,932
that and maybe get kind of behind.

1078
00:46:26,068 --> 00:46:27,852
This is my anxiety coming forward.

1079
00:46:27,908 --> 00:46:29,544
But, you know.

1080
00:46:30,524 --> 00:46:30,948
Yeah.

1081
00:46:30,996 --> 00:46:31,180
Leah: Right.

1082
00:46:31,212 --> 00:46:34,804
So accommodations are key, which is, again,

1083
00:46:34,844 --> 00:46:38,716
when you were talking about work and Moshe was
talking about work, if you too had been

1084
00:46:38,740 --> 00:46:43,004
accommodated a little bit more, you might have
been able to do a little bit more in terms of

1085
00:46:43,044 --> 00:46:43,624
working.

1086
00:46:43,964 --> 00:46:44,412
Becca: Yeah.

1087
00:46:44,468 --> 00:46:45,996
Leah: And should start in school.

1088
00:46:46,100 --> 00:46:47,212
I agree with you there.

1089
00:46:47,308 --> 00:46:51,692
Becca: Yeah. I think, too, like, I got pushed
into that sort of field, too, because it was

1090
00:46:51,708 --> 00:46:55,036
like everybody was telling me, like, well, you
need to do something in healthcare because

1091
00:46:55,060 --> 00:46:56,716
that's where the jobs are going to be and you
need to do this.

1092
00:46:56,740 --> 00:46:57,996
You need to do this, you need to do this.

1093
00:46:58,100 --> 00:47:00,668
It never occurred to me that I should try to

1094
00:47:00,676 --> 00:47:01,892
do something I want to do.

1095
00:47:01,948 --> 00:47:04,444
And I've always loved writing, but, you know,

1096
00:47:04,604 --> 00:47:06,676
here it's like people are like, well, that
doesn't pay the bills.

1097
00:47:06,700 --> 00:47:09,012
You got to do something that's going to make
you money.

1098
00:47:09,068 --> 00:47:15,316
And, like, when I was in college, I actually
enjoyed college because, like, I had.

1099
00:47:15,460 --> 00:47:16,700
I had a syllabus.

1100
00:47:16,852 --> 00:47:17,924
You know, I have a syllabus.

1101
00:47:17,964 --> 00:47:20,092
I have a whole schedule worked out for me.

1102
00:47:20,148 --> 00:47:21,732
I know when things are supposed to happen,

1103
00:47:21,788 --> 00:47:23,212
when they're due and all these things.

1104
00:47:23,308 --> 00:47:25,404
So college wasn't that difficult for me

1105
00:47:25,444 --> 00:47:28,182
because I could also just avoid people if I
wanted to.

1106
00:47:28,348 --> 00:47:32,666
It was different than high school because high
school, you're trapped in groups of all these

1107
00:47:32,690 --> 00:47:35,930
people for long periods of time, but in
college, you kind of make your own schedule

1108
00:47:35,962 --> 00:47:36,330
and stuff.

1109
00:47:36,362 --> 00:47:38,794
And so I was like, oh, I could do this.

1110
00:47:38,914 --> 00:47:41,170
So I stayed in college for a good ten years.

1111
00:47:41,322 --> 00:47:44,642
I just didn't want to leave because I finally

1112
00:47:44,698 --> 00:47:46,026
understood what I was doing.

1113
00:47:46,090 --> 00:47:48,162
And then when I got out, it was a complete

1114
00:47:48,258 --> 00:47:48,754
disaster.

1115
00:47:48,834 --> 00:47:51,938
I feel like for me, my college.

1116
00:47:51,986 --> 00:47:56,374
Moshe: Experience was cut short,
unfortunately, in the worst possible way

1117
00:47:56,714 --> 00:48:02,186
because my aspiration, my mother was an
elementary school teacher, and I went back to

1118
00:48:02,210 --> 00:48:06,338
school despite not being mostly functional.

1119
00:48:06,466 --> 00:48:09,714
And I met the most amazing teacher who taught

1120
00:48:09,754 --> 00:48:10,290
history.

1121
00:48:10,442 --> 00:48:11,818
And history is one of my passions.

1122
00:48:11,866 --> 00:48:17,094
So we would talk back and forth and she would
say, you need to get into this.

1123
00:48:17,674 --> 00:48:23,970
You need to teach history because you just,
everyone else in the class is in this year, in

1124
00:48:24,002 --> 00:48:24,706
this day.

1125
00:48:24,810 --> 00:48:26,522
This is what happened and stuff.

1126
00:48:26,698 --> 00:48:27,170
Yes.

1127
00:48:27,242 --> 00:48:28,134
Leah: I can't.

1128
00:48:28,674 --> 00:48:32,058
Moshe: And so I decided, you know what I'm
going to go into?

1129
00:48:32,186 --> 00:48:34,134
I'm going to go into Middle eastern history.

1130
00:48:34,434 --> 00:48:37,546
And I went to western Canada, and I went to

1131
00:48:37,570 --> 00:48:38,642
Simon Fraser University.

1132
00:48:38,738 --> 00:48:41,930
I hate the story so much, but I went to Simon

1133
00:48:41,962 --> 00:48:42,642
Fraser.

1134
00:48:42,778 --> 00:48:44,414
I went to Middle eastern history.

1135
00:48:44,794 --> 00:48:51,844
And the way that the prerequisites were set up
was for whatever reason, you needed to study

1136
00:48:52,004 --> 00:48:58,740
Middle eastern history as a general topic
before you could focus in on jewish history.

1137
00:48:58,932 --> 00:49:09,212
So I was sitting in my history of Islam course
when 911 happened, and the professor stood up

1138
00:49:09,228 --> 00:49:11,996
and said, I don't think I can teach this
course anymore.

1139
00:49:12,180 --> 00:49:13,780
And everyone just walked out.

1140
00:49:13,852 --> 00:49:15,076
Leah: We're aging ourselves here.

1141
00:49:15,100 --> 00:49:15,958
But, yeah.

1142
00:49:16,156 --> 00:49:19,774
Moshe: And I said, wow, this is very
inconvenient.

1143
00:49:20,114 --> 00:49:21,466
Becca: Yeah, I was in high school.

1144
00:49:21,570 --> 00:49:22,994
I was in high school when that happened.

1145
00:49:23,074 --> 00:49:26,562
Adam: You were so disappointed that the class
had to end that day, and that.

1146
00:49:26,578 --> 00:49:27,746
Moshe: Was the end of my college career.

1147
00:49:27,770 --> 00:49:30,306
It was so, it was so devastating for me.

1148
00:49:30,330 --> 00:49:33,202
Becca: I just couldn't, like, he just quit the
whole course.

1149
00:49:33,298 --> 00:49:36,490
He's like, not just the class, the whole
course ended, I'm guessing.

1150
00:49:36,602 --> 00:49:38,394
Adam: Yeah, they were just like, real.

1151
00:49:38,514 --> 00:49:40,498
Moshe: They were just like, yeah, we're not
doing this anymore.

1152
00:49:40,586 --> 00:49:43,734
Leah: Who's gonna teach the history of the
Middle east during that time?

1153
00:49:44,074 --> 00:49:48,632
Moshe: Oh, well, that was pretty much the
worst course to be sitting in during 911, I

1154
00:49:48,648 --> 00:49:50,504
thought, yeah, I mean, living.

1155
00:49:50,544 --> 00:49:52,512
Leah: The history of the Middle east now, so
it's okay.

1156
00:49:52,568 --> 00:49:57,320
Becca: Yeah, well, I was in high school when
911 happened, and they just put it on tvs in

1157
00:49:57,352 --> 00:49:58,336
every single classroom.

1158
00:49:58,400 --> 00:50:00,136
They stopped teaching and just put it on the

1159
00:50:00,160 --> 00:50:00,432
tv.

1160
00:50:00,488 --> 00:50:02,008
And I get it, it's history in the making or

1161
00:50:02,016 --> 00:50:06,024
whatever, but it was incredibly overwhelming
because everybody starts talking, it's these

1162
00:50:06,064 --> 00:50:06,264
people.

1163
00:50:06,304 --> 00:50:06,864
It's these people.

1164
00:50:06,904 --> 00:50:09,184
Like, what are y'all talking?
Can we not do this right now?

1165
00:50:09,224 --> 00:50:10,360
And it was just very overwhelming.

1166
00:50:10,392 --> 00:50:13,506
But I was in, like, I think, 11th grade at

1167
00:50:13,530 --> 00:50:15,570
that point, and there was a lot.

1168
00:50:15,642 --> 00:50:18,010
I really have a hard time, I think, too, was.

1169
00:50:18,122 --> 00:50:20,986
I know with autism, there's a whole, like,
justice thing, too.

1170
00:50:21,050 --> 00:50:25,434
And it really bothered me that people were
like, it's these people.

1171
00:50:25,474 --> 00:50:26,106
It's these people.

1172
00:50:26,170 --> 00:50:26,970
You don't know.

1173
00:50:27,082 --> 00:50:28,530
You're in 11th grade.

1174
00:50:28,682 --> 00:50:29,130
Leah: You don't know.

1175
00:50:29,162 --> 00:50:30,774
Becca: You don't know anything about the
world.

1176
00:50:31,234 --> 00:50:33,174
Like, stop accusing people.

1177
00:50:34,954 --> 00:50:37,578
Leah: I actually remember it was a Tuesday,
and I'll tell you why.

1178
00:50:37,626 --> 00:50:42,334
Because I had arranged my college courses so
that I had a Tuesday off, and I was at home

1179
00:50:42,514 --> 00:50:45,510
elbows deep in my chemistry book when that
happened.

1180
00:50:45,622 --> 00:50:45,982
Moshe: Wow.

1181
00:50:46,038 --> 00:50:46,674
Becca: Yeah.

1182
00:50:47,254 --> 00:50:48,554
Leah: I actually remember.

1183
00:50:48,854 --> 00:50:50,318
Let's some dad stuff.

1184
00:50:50,366 --> 00:50:51,994
We haven't covered dad stuff.

1185
00:50:52,734 --> 00:50:57,670
One thing that was interesting to me to

1186
00:50:57,702 --> 00:51:03,950
compare is how a neurodivergent dad versus a
neurotypical dad provides support for mom.

1187
00:51:04,022 --> 00:51:04,518
Right.

1188
00:51:04,646 --> 00:51:06,670
Because, as Becca said, it's a lot of time.

1189
00:51:06,702 --> 00:51:08,130
It's all mommy, all the time.

1190
00:51:08,302 --> 00:51:11,074
So what are some of the things that you do

1191
00:51:11,114 --> 00:51:13,214
versus some of the things that you do?

1192
00:51:14,074 --> 00:51:16,618
Moshe: Well, I have a unique talent and that I
can.

1193
00:51:16,666 --> 00:51:20,466
I can pretty much fit into whatever role I
need to fit in.

1194
00:51:20,490 --> 00:51:22,730
If the kids want to play video games, I can
play video games.

1195
00:51:22,762 --> 00:51:25,054
If they do board games, they can do board
games.

1196
00:51:26,834 --> 00:51:28,714
I'm basically ageless.

1197
00:51:28,874 --> 00:51:31,570
So you just kind of give me a role, and I take

1198
00:51:31,602 --> 00:51:32,174
it.

1199
00:51:34,074 --> 00:51:34,894
It's.

1200
00:51:35,234 --> 00:51:38,866
It's really interesting, because when she
needs support, I have to sort of make sure

1201
00:51:38,890 --> 00:51:40,694
that I have enough resources to.

1202
00:51:41,034 --> 00:51:42,202
To get going.

1203
00:51:42,378 --> 00:51:43,074
Adam: That's right.

1204
00:51:43,154 --> 00:51:43,814
Becca: Yeah.

1205
00:51:44,114 --> 00:51:46,562
Adam: If there's something with which to
contribute.

1206
00:51:46,738 --> 00:51:47,534
Becca: Yeah.

1207
00:51:48,114 --> 00:51:49,994
Moshe: Because when she needs support, right.

1208
00:51:50,034 --> 00:51:53,386
I need to be able to provide it, and.

1209
00:51:53,450 --> 00:51:58,706
And I'm the one who often needs support, so I
have to sort of fill a double role.

1210
00:51:58,890 --> 00:51:59,306
Adam: Right?

1211
00:51:59,370 --> 00:51:59,658
Becca: Yeah.

1212
00:51:59,706 --> 00:52:00,056
Leah: Yeah.

1213
00:52:00,130 --> 00:52:02,388
Moshe: But, I mean, I feel like I'm a good
dad.

1214
00:52:02,436 --> 00:52:03,716
Leah: But we do.

1215
00:52:03,900 --> 00:52:06,516
Again, as I stated, we had to learn how to

1216
00:52:06,540 --> 00:52:07,156
accommodate that.

1217
00:52:07,180 --> 00:52:08,844
So most of we'll say, okay, I'll do this now,

1218
00:52:08,884 --> 00:52:12,984
but when we go to bed later, I need you to
hold me for, like, a really long time.

1219
00:52:13,764 --> 00:52:14,284
Okay.

1220
00:52:14,324 --> 00:52:15,756
I can do well.

1221
00:52:15,780 --> 00:52:17,076
Becca: See, I'm the opposite.

1222
00:52:17,260 --> 00:52:17,900
I have to be.

1223
00:52:17,932 --> 00:52:19,148
I cannot be comforted.

1224
00:52:19,236 --> 00:52:23,100
I have to be like, I have to be in the bed by

1225
00:52:23,132 --> 00:52:23,428
myself.

1226
00:52:23,476 --> 00:52:24,836
I'm like, just leave me alone.

1227
00:52:24,900 --> 00:52:25,892
Don't touch me.

1228
00:52:26,028 --> 00:52:26,548
Don't.

1229
00:52:26,636 --> 00:52:27,236
I have to.

1230
00:52:27,300 --> 00:52:27,588
I don't know.

1231
00:52:27,596 --> 00:52:30,372
I think it's probably, like, the way I grew
up, too.

1232
00:52:30,428 --> 00:52:34,386
Like, comfort had always been kind of a thing
that I just had a hard time with.

1233
00:52:34,410 --> 00:52:36,330
I had a hard time comforting any friends I
had.

1234
00:52:36,362 --> 00:52:39,534
They'd just be crying, and I'd be like, I
don't know what to do.

1235
00:52:40,474 --> 00:52:43,682
I think also the hugging, like, really makes
me uncomfortable.

1236
00:52:43,738 --> 00:52:46,454
I can hug pillows or stuffed animals.

1237
00:52:47,114 --> 00:52:48,258
That gives me comfort.

1238
00:52:48,306 --> 00:52:52,362
But if someone were to come over and give me a
hug, I'm immediately like, oh, God, what do I

1239
00:52:52,378 --> 00:52:52,674
do?

1240
00:52:52,754 --> 00:52:56,454
Adam: And, yeah, so I've.

1241
00:52:56,554 --> 00:53:00,126
The approach I take is, you know, we're.

1242
00:53:00,190 --> 00:53:06,670
We're really still learning so many things in
real time about how her brain is and how it

1243
00:53:06,702 --> 00:53:08,166
operates day to day.

1244
00:53:08,350 --> 00:53:12,982
And so my approach is, you're really going to

1245
00:53:12,998 --> 00:53:13,846
have to worry about.

1246
00:53:13,910 --> 00:53:14,886
I'm going to have, really going to have to

1247
00:53:14,910 --> 00:53:20,118
worry about my needs at the bottom of the
list, because we're trying.

1248
00:53:20,166 --> 00:53:27,144
We're kind of torn everything down as far as
philosophy and, you know, neurotypical living.

1249
00:53:27,764 --> 00:53:32,100
I'm kind of tearing it all the way down to the
foundation and rebuilding it one step at a

1250
00:53:32,132 --> 00:53:32,684
time.

1251
00:53:32,844 --> 00:53:34,652
Like, this is what your wife needs.

1252
00:53:34,708 --> 00:53:39,740
This is how you meet her needs, and this is
what you need to do for your daughter to meet

1253
00:53:39,772 --> 00:53:41,012
her needs as well.

1254
00:53:41,188 --> 00:53:43,300
And, you know, just one step at a time trying

1255
00:53:43,332 --> 00:53:43,932
to.

1256
00:53:44,108 --> 00:53:46,716
Trying to rebuild that, because I've come into

1257
00:53:46,740 --> 00:53:49,800
the situation with a neurotypical script.

1258
00:53:49,972 --> 00:53:52,168
You know, I first, you know, our first child

1259
00:53:52,216 --> 00:53:52,712
was born.

1260
00:53:52,768 --> 00:53:54,872
I was 31, 32 years old.

1261
00:53:54,888 --> 00:54:03,456
So I had 32 years of scripting where I, you
know, I had a whole, you know, hard drive full

1262
00:54:03,480 --> 00:54:07,656
of expectations, and none of those things are
applicable.

1263
00:54:07,840 --> 00:54:15,792
And so I've tried to understand her, first of
all, understand what kind of a toll it takes

1264
00:54:15,848 --> 00:54:25,630
on a neurodivergent mom to be a mother and
also try to perform self care, you know, and

1265
00:54:25,782 --> 00:54:31,822
just try to figure out what do the people in
this household need from me, because that's

1266
00:54:31,838 --> 00:54:33,038
what I'm going to do.

1267
00:54:33,206 --> 00:54:35,518
And then after the fact, you know, as we build

1268
00:54:35,566 --> 00:54:41,782
our, you know, as we build our taxonomy of
needs, so to speak, you know, we can become

1269
00:54:41,838 --> 00:54:43,510
more fully featured, I suppose you'd say.

1270
00:54:43,542 --> 00:54:43,680
Moshe: But.

1271
00:54:43,702 --> 00:54:47,580
Adam: But right now it's about, you know, I
try to.

1272
00:54:47,692 --> 00:54:50,588
I just try to funnel Camilla's energy toward
me.

1273
00:54:50,756 --> 00:54:56,172
If she is at her limit, you know, whether it's
helping her get ready for bed, fixing her a

1274
00:54:56,188 --> 00:55:00,100
meal, getting her dressed, taking her
somewhere, literally taking her out of the

1275
00:55:00,132 --> 00:55:06,332
house and going somewhere so that Becca can
have the house to herself just for an hour or

1276
00:55:06,348 --> 00:55:07,764
two, that's a big deal.

1277
00:55:07,924 --> 00:55:11,144
Becca: It's been really hard, though, because
she is very clingy with me at times.

1278
00:55:11,184 --> 00:55:12,376
Adam: She doesn't want to do that.

1279
00:55:12,520 --> 00:55:14,488
She doesn't want to go just with me somewhere.

1280
00:55:14,536 --> 00:55:16,264
Becca: Well, part of it, too, I think, is I've
made the.

1281
00:55:16,384 --> 00:55:17,328
I wouldn't call it a mistake.

1282
00:55:17,376 --> 00:55:20,688
But she sees me also as a playmate, because I

1283
00:55:20,696 --> 00:55:21,880
do play Roblox with her.

1284
00:55:21,912 --> 00:55:23,368
I do do all these things with her.

1285
00:55:23,416 --> 00:55:28,128
And she also sees dad as more of the
authoritarian type, because.

1286
00:55:28,256 --> 00:55:29,432
Mostly because of the way you sound.

1287
00:55:29,488 --> 00:55:30,232
Adam: I'm the bad cop.

1288
00:55:30,288 --> 00:55:34,848
Becca: Well, no, because you have a certain
tone of voice that I don't have.

1289
00:55:34,896 --> 00:55:37,832
And so as soon as you say something, you're
yelling at me.

1290
00:55:37,888 --> 00:55:38,248
Adam: Right.

1291
00:55:38,336 --> 00:55:40,760
And another dynamic is Camilla, again, is

1292
00:55:40,792 --> 00:55:44,958
extremely extroverted and a super strong
personality that takes up a lot of space in

1293
00:55:44,966 --> 00:55:45,974
the room, just like me.

1294
00:55:46,014 --> 00:55:47,030
Becca: She's also very sensitive.

1295
00:55:47,142 --> 00:55:47,710
Adam: She's also.

1296
00:55:47,782 --> 00:55:49,326
Yeah, she's just like me.

1297
00:55:49,350 --> 00:55:50,142
I'm also that way.

1298
00:55:50,198 --> 00:55:51,014
It's very deceptive.

1299
00:55:51,054 --> 00:55:59,790
But Camilla can exploit her trying to figure
out her own self care needs, because kids do

1300
00:55:59,822 --> 00:56:00,038
this.

1301
00:56:00,086 --> 00:56:01,430
Kids push our boundaries.

1302
00:56:01,582 --> 00:56:02,998
They want to know where the line is.

1303
00:56:03,046 --> 00:56:05,422
And I'm over here, like, okay, I have to be

1304
00:56:05,438 --> 00:56:06,022
your dad.

1305
00:56:06,118 --> 00:56:09,250
I also have to get you back to the center of

1306
00:56:09,282 --> 00:56:15,530
how you're behaving, because one of us is not
playing with a full bucket most of the time,

1307
00:56:15,602 --> 00:56:17,762
and that can be exploited by a child.

1308
00:56:17,858 --> 00:56:20,602
Becca: I'm more likely to be the one that,
like, barters and bargains.

1309
00:56:20,658 --> 00:56:21,058
Totally.

1310
00:56:21,106 --> 00:56:21,602
Adam: She'll.

1311
00:56:21,698 --> 00:56:22,450
She'll let me know.

1312
00:56:22,522 --> 00:56:23,570
Becca: Please just give me a minute.

1313
00:56:23,602 --> 00:56:24,618
I'll give you whatever you want.

1314
00:56:24,666 --> 00:56:26,026
Adam: I'll come back in the evening.

1315
00:56:26,090 --> 00:56:27,122
Leah: Absolutely.

1316
00:56:27,218 --> 00:56:29,626
Adam: Yeah, I'll come back in the evening.

1317
00:56:29,810 --> 00:56:31,690
And they'll have gone somewhere and

1318
00:56:31,722 --> 00:56:33,450
accomplished something that was good.

1319
00:56:33,602 --> 00:56:34,810
And I'll be like, oh, that's cool.

1320
00:56:34,842 --> 00:56:35,586
And she's like, yeah.

1321
00:56:35,650 --> 00:56:36,674
Had to take her for ice cream.

1322
00:56:36,714 --> 00:56:37,796
That's how I got her to do it.

1323
00:56:37,890 --> 00:56:42,328
Becca: But. But then, like, it's hard, though,
because when you come in and try to, like, do,

1324
00:56:42,376 --> 00:56:45,128
like, get her back there, she'll come to me as
a sort of referee.

1325
00:56:45,176 --> 00:56:46,200
Daddy said it.

1326
00:56:46,232 --> 00:56:47,160
I'm like, oh, yes.

1327
00:56:47,312 --> 00:56:47,936
Moshe: Oh, yes.

1328
00:56:48,040 --> 00:56:49,008
Becca: I don't want to do this.

1329
00:56:49,056 --> 00:56:50,444
Adam: It is a common refrain.

1330
00:56:52,024 --> 00:56:56,088
Leah: We have, surprisingly, a similar
situation where Moshe is the authority figure.

1331
00:56:56,176 --> 00:56:56,728
Moshe: Yeah.

1332
00:56:56,856 --> 00:57:00,888
Leah: Despite his challenges in terms of not
being neurotypical.

1333
00:57:01,056 --> 00:57:02,496
Because I'm just not.

1334
00:57:02,560 --> 00:57:03,720
That's not my personality.

1335
00:57:03,792 --> 00:57:04,862
Like, oh, yeah.

1336
00:57:04,968 --> 00:57:07,250
My daughter's friend the other day said, she's

1337
00:57:07,282 --> 00:57:08,074
such a fun mom.

1338
00:57:08,114 --> 00:57:09,010
She's like a teenager.

1339
00:57:09,042 --> 00:57:13,330
Like, it's just not my personality is the
disciplinarian.

1340
00:57:13,442 --> 00:57:15,362
But that takes a toll on him.

1341
00:57:15,418 --> 00:57:17,194
Eventually, he's like, okay, so listen.

1342
00:57:17,234 --> 00:57:20,450
He'll close the door, and he'll be like,
listen, so I need a ruling here.

1343
00:57:20,602 --> 00:57:22,826
I'm feeling kind of wacky about this thing.

1344
00:57:22,890 --> 00:57:25,098
Am I being too much, or is this a reasonable

1345
00:57:25,146 --> 00:57:27,066
punishment?
And then he'll go back out and be like, okay,

1346
00:57:27,090 --> 00:57:32,826
so duh, duh, you know, but he is the, you
know, on the face of the situation, the

1347
00:57:32,850 --> 00:57:33,554
disciplinarian.

1348
00:57:33,594 --> 00:57:35,218
And it's the same thing when they hear Abbas

1349
00:57:35,266 --> 00:57:35,976
voice.

1350
00:57:36,170 --> 00:57:37,468
That's serious.

1351
00:57:37,556 --> 00:57:38,988
Why is Abba so mean?

1352
00:57:39,156 --> 00:57:40,676
Becca: Yeah, it's that code of voice.

1353
00:57:40,740 --> 00:57:46,692
Moshe: It's definitely a challenge being seen
as the father figure, but oftentimes not

1354
00:57:46,748 --> 00:57:51,024
understanding what my role is, either as a man
or as a father.

1355
00:57:51,444 --> 00:57:58,844
And especially, like, being around other dads,
because men are really, like, handsy like

1356
00:57:58,884 --> 00:57:59,060
that.

1357
00:57:59,092 --> 00:58:00,452
They're all, like, they're always trying to

1358
00:58:00,468 --> 00:58:02,388
shake your hand and interact with you.

1359
00:58:02,436 --> 00:58:05,760
And, you know, I went to our daughter's

1360
00:58:05,792 --> 00:58:10,792
school, and all the men were, like, talking to
me, and I was like, you know, can you just

1361
00:58:10,888 --> 00:58:11,888
give me a message?

1362
00:58:12,056 --> 00:58:12,856
Adam: Yep.

1363
00:58:13,040 --> 00:58:14,048
Leah: It was very cute.

1364
00:58:14,096 --> 00:58:17,128
Moshe: I ended up sitting at her desk and
going, what should we do?

1365
00:58:17,216 --> 00:58:21,912
Like, what am I supposed to do here?
Like she said, well, the other dads are doing

1366
00:58:21,968 --> 00:58:23,848
that, so you should go and do that.

1367
00:58:23,896 --> 00:58:27,352
Leah: It was really funny because he came home
and he goes, I think he's made a friend.

1368
00:58:27,488 --> 00:58:28,016
Moshe: I did.

1369
00:58:28,080 --> 00:58:31,904
Leah: And I said, do you have his number?
He goes, no. And I said, what's the name?

1370
00:58:31,944 --> 00:58:33,880
And goes, this name?
I said, I have the mom's number.

1371
00:58:33,912 --> 00:58:34,672
I'll arrange.

1372
00:58:34,848 --> 00:58:37,304
I'll arrange the daddy pleading and grabbed.

1373
00:58:37,344 --> 00:58:40,992
Moshe: My hand before I could say anything,
and then introduced himself and I said, I

1374
00:58:41,008 --> 00:58:42,352
think I just made a friend.

1375
00:58:42,448 --> 00:58:43,724
Leah: He's my friend now.

1376
00:58:45,704 --> 00:58:47,224
Adam: But I think I just made a friend.

1377
00:58:47,304 --> 00:58:49,360
Becca: Well, I always make friends by
accident.

1378
00:58:49,472 --> 00:58:50,472
And then, like.

1379
00:58:50,648 --> 00:58:52,048
But like, the ones.

1380
00:58:52,216 --> 00:58:55,568
But the ones that have, like, stuck with me
are just really good friends.

1381
00:58:55,656 --> 00:59:00,978
Adam: And, like, they going out to a social
event together is like going on a safari in

1382
00:59:00,986 --> 00:59:03,314
the jungles of Africa, and I am her guide.

1383
00:59:03,394 --> 00:59:07,010
Becca: But that used to be, like, you used to
be really big into that, and that was really

1384
00:59:07,042 --> 00:59:07,546
hard for me.

1385
00:59:07,570 --> 00:59:09,306
And I think we had a lot of misunderstandings,

1386
00:59:09,370 --> 00:59:14,178
and I would get really grumpy because I was,
like, empty at that point, and you would just.

1387
00:59:14,226 --> 00:59:16,610
You didn't understand why I could not do those
things.

1388
00:59:16,682 --> 00:59:17,354
Adam: That's right.

1389
00:59:17,474 --> 00:59:19,002
And I don't think at that point I was even

1390
00:59:19,058 --> 00:59:23,866
ready to hear, even though I have a doctorate
in a medical field, I don't think I was ready

1391
00:59:23,890 --> 00:59:30,546
at that moment to hear, or maybe from an
expert even, hey, your wife's brain is not the

1392
00:59:30,570 --> 00:59:31,090
same.

1393
00:59:31,242 --> 00:59:32,694
That's really the issue.

1394
00:59:33,234 --> 00:59:37,034
Leah: Well, and you were talking about
breaking down those expectations, and your

1395
00:59:37,074 --> 00:59:41,370
expectation as a socially outward person is
that my wife's going to come with me to things

1396
00:59:41,402 --> 00:59:42,774
and we're going to do things together.

1397
00:59:43,154 --> 00:59:45,170
And that's something that I struggle with as

1398
00:59:45,202 --> 00:59:45,418
well.

1399
00:59:45,466 --> 00:59:46,746
I was actually going to bring that up.

1400
00:59:46,770 --> 00:59:52,074
You said how your needs are very low on the
list, and sometimes I feel that way, too.

1401
00:59:52,114 --> 00:59:56,922
So how do you be the best support person you
can while still making sure that at least some

1402
00:59:56,938 --> 01:00:00,328
of your needs are met?
Because then when your bucket totally empties,

1403
01:00:00,376 --> 01:00:00,608
who.

1404
01:00:00,656 --> 01:00:00,960
Who.

1405
01:00:01,032 --> 01:00:02,244
Who does the things?

1406
01:00:02,984 --> 01:00:05,524
Adam: Yeah, I mean, I am.

1407
01:00:05,904 --> 01:00:08,736
I would still call myself a person of faith.

1408
01:00:08,920 --> 01:00:09,864
And I just.

1409
01:00:09,984 --> 01:00:14,272
I just have faith that because the both of us

1410
01:00:14,328 --> 01:00:21,016
are trying to work as a team, that because the
evidence of her, like, she will intentionally.

1411
01:00:21,200 --> 01:00:21,904
This is.

1412
01:00:22,024 --> 01:00:24,368
This is a completely learned behavior for her.

1413
01:00:24,496 --> 01:00:25,064
She will.

1414
01:00:25,144 --> 01:00:25,552
She is.

1415
01:00:25,608 --> 01:00:29,564
She may be touched out, very tired bucket,
almost empty.

1416
01:00:29,684 --> 01:00:33,664
She will hug me because she knows that's.

1417
01:00:34,044 --> 01:00:37,020
This is how I show love to my.

1418
01:00:37,092 --> 01:00:38,180
My partner.

1419
01:00:38,372 --> 01:00:40,180
And so it's moments like that, they're like,

1420
01:00:40,212 --> 01:00:41,484
okay, yeah, we're.

1421
01:00:41,604 --> 01:00:42,644
We're doing this together.

1422
01:00:42,724 --> 01:00:43,556
Becca: I'm trying.

1423
01:00:43,740 --> 01:00:44,396
Adam: Right.

1424
01:00:44,540 --> 01:00:51,940
Leah: Moshe and I actually struggled with a
thing where he would give me what he thought I

1425
01:00:51,972 --> 01:00:57,780
wanted, so he would be expending energy on
doing things that he thought I wanted and not

1426
01:00:57,812 --> 01:01:00,044
giving me the things at all that I wanted.

1427
01:01:00,204 --> 01:01:01,148
Becca: Now I had that trouble.

1428
01:01:01,196 --> 01:01:02,380
Leah: His perception was, okay.

1429
01:01:02,412 --> 01:01:05,516
So, yeah, so you bring your wife coffee and

1430
01:01:05,540 --> 01:01:10,092
you smile at her and fine, right?
And I was like, no, you need to, like, hug me

1431
01:01:10,108 --> 01:01:11,036
and kiss me.

1432
01:01:11,180 --> 01:01:13,388
And that took a long time to sort of figure

1433
01:01:13,436 --> 01:01:14,004
out.

1434
01:01:14,164 --> 01:01:14,692
Adam: Wow.

1435
01:01:14,788 --> 01:01:19,024
Becca: Yeah, that's something we've had to
deal with, too, because he's much more of a,

1436
01:01:19,104 --> 01:01:20,344
like, for him.

1437
01:01:20,384 --> 01:01:23,432
Like, showing love is more like a physical

1438
01:01:23,488 --> 01:01:24,024
thing for him.

1439
01:01:24,064 --> 01:01:25,104
But absolutely for me.

1440
01:01:25,144 --> 01:01:28,736
Like, I'd be perfectly fine if you just
brought me coffee and left me alone with my

1441
01:01:28,760 --> 01:01:30,336
switch or my iPad.

1442
01:01:30,400 --> 01:01:33,024
And, like, that's just so I've had to learn.

1443
01:01:33,064 --> 01:01:35,528
Like, it has to go through my mind, though.

1444
01:01:35,576 --> 01:01:37,592
I have to be, like, in the room with him and

1445
01:01:37,608 --> 01:01:42,704
be like, you should give him a hug because
he's stressed out at the moment, and that's

1446
01:01:42,784 --> 01:01:43,952
what would make him feel better.

1447
01:01:44,008 --> 01:01:46,104
Like, yes, okay, I'm going to go do that.

1448
01:01:46,144 --> 01:01:48,968
So it has to be like a, I have to think that
out.

1449
01:01:49,016 --> 01:01:55,536
And it took me a while, I think, to, to do
that, because a lot of times I think it took

1450
01:01:55,560 --> 01:02:01,304
me a while, but it also took me being on
medication because before that, all the

1451
01:02:01,344 --> 01:02:05,728
anxiety was the, at the forefront of my mind,
not anything else.

1452
01:02:05,776 --> 01:02:07,368
And so it's constantly, what about this?
What about this?

1453
01:02:07,376 --> 01:02:08,160
What about this?
What about this?

1454
01:02:08,192 --> 01:02:14,276
And I still do deal with the anxiety, but
it's, it's at least kept it under control so

1455
01:02:14,300 --> 01:02:21,116
that I can actually think about other things,
but it's still something that I'm learning to

1456
01:02:21,140 --> 01:02:21,444
do.

1457
01:02:21,524 --> 01:02:26,004
And he's been really helpful with giving me

1458
01:02:26,044 --> 01:02:31,068
space and time, and he's been very
understanding about all of that.

1459
01:02:31,156 --> 01:02:33,864
And, you know, and it's been.

1460
01:02:34,244 --> 01:02:36,244
Cause I'm trying to figure myself out, too,

1461
01:02:36,324 --> 01:02:39,556
because I don't, because I always thought,
like, oh, I do this for you.

1462
01:02:39,580 --> 01:02:41,516
Why don't you see that as love?
I do this for you.

1463
01:02:41,540 --> 01:02:45,314
Why don't you see that as I literally washed
your clothes for you.

1464
01:02:45,354 --> 01:02:46,322
I did all this stuff.

1465
01:02:46,378 --> 01:02:48,370
I got you this, I got you stuffed animal,

1466
01:02:48,402 --> 01:02:50,494
which you probably don't like because you
don't want to love.

1467
01:02:50,954 --> 01:02:52,626
You know, like, for me, I would love it.

1468
01:02:52,650 --> 01:02:53,978
But I have to understand, he's not.

1469
01:02:54,026 --> 01:02:57,494
Adam: Genuine effort has been expended in all
those things.

1470
01:02:57,874 --> 01:03:00,026
But it's all, it's the reason.

1471
01:03:00,210 --> 01:03:04,930
Leah: Yeah, the reason I brought up the coffee
is it was a genuine argument we had early on.

1472
01:03:05,082 --> 01:03:05,386
Becca: Yeah.

1473
01:03:05,410 --> 01:03:08,618
Leah: I said, you never touch me when you pass
by.

1474
01:03:08,706 --> 01:03:09,786
You rarely kiss me.

1475
01:03:09,810 --> 01:03:12,288
And he said, I brought you a coffee and I

1476
01:03:12,336 --> 01:03:12,896
looked at you.

1477
01:03:12,920 --> 01:03:14,404
What more do you want, woman?

1478
01:03:15,144 --> 01:03:20,216
Becca: Yeah. Hey, it's hard to look at people,
for one, for me, because, like, I, and you

1479
01:03:20,240 --> 01:03:23,744
have to, like, I have to think if I'm going to
hug someone, it has to go through my mind.

1480
01:03:23,784 --> 01:03:24,976
Otherwise, it's just not there.

1481
01:03:25,000 --> 01:03:26,832
It's just not at the forefront of my mind to

1482
01:03:26,928 --> 01:03:31,184
touch anybody or, and if somebody touches me
and it's somebody that doesn't normally touch

1483
01:03:31,224 --> 01:03:35,640
me, I'm like, what did you just do?
You know, like, I have a hard time with that.

1484
01:03:35,712 --> 01:03:40,192
Adam: She literally, her brain literally
revolts against the thing that I need to in

1485
01:03:40,208 --> 01:03:41,208
order to feel love.

1486
01:03:41,296 --> 01:03:42,010
Becca: Yeah.

1487
01:03:42,192 --> 01:03:43,394
Adam: Make any sense.

1488
01:03:43,934 --> 01:03:45,230
Becca: We've gotten better with it.

1489
01:03:45,262 --> 01:03:47,806
But, like, I, the friends that I do have, they

1490
01:03:47,830 --> 01:03:50,830
will literally be like, hug?
No hug.

1491
01:03:50,862 --> 01:03:53,310
What are we doing today?
And, like, you know, so they've actually been

1492
01:03:53,342 --> 01:03:58,734
really, you know, for me, if I know the person
well enough, it's, I'm fine with it.

1493
01:03:58,774 --> 01:04:00,750
Like, I know it's a thing.

1494
01:04:00,782 --> 01:04:02,606
It's going to happen, and I'm okay with it.

1495
01:04:02,710 --> 01:04:09,214
It's the, like, sudden, unprepared, like, oh,
I'm a hugger.

1496
01:04:09,294 --> 01:04:10,166
Come on in.

1497
01:04:10,270 --> 01:04:11,846
No, please don't.

1498
01:04:11,950 --> 01:04:13,888
You know, that's hard for me.

1499
01:04:14,086 --> 01:04:14,764
Small talk.

1500
01:04:14,804 --> 01:04:16,624
I don't do small talk very well either.

1501
01:04:17,844 --> 01:04:18,916
Yeah, I can't.

1502
01:04:18,980 --> 01:04:19,744
I really.

1503
01:04:20,644 --> 01:04:23,076
Moshe: He physically started.

1504
01:04:23,260 --> 01:04:25,324
I work in customer service right now.

1505
01:04:25,484 --> 01:04:27,212
Yeah, everyone.

1506
01:04:27,348 --> 01:04:29,852
Everyone I talk to, I'm telling her all the

1507
01:04:29,868 --> 01:04:30,188
time.

1508
01:04:30,276 --> 01:04:32,164
That was my number one pet peeve.

1509
01:04:32,324 --> 01:04:34,988
Customer service, dealing with the public
small talk.

1510
01:04:35,156 --> 01:04:35,764
Leah: Yeah.

1511
01:04:35,884 --> 01:04:37,244
Moshe: How you doing?
I'm like, I'm fine.

1512
01:04:37,284 --> 01:04:38,260
What do you want?

1513
01:04:38,452 --> 01:04:40,764
Becca: Right?
Get to it, you know?

1514
01:04:40,804 --> 01:04:44,824
Well, I used to just come out and say, like,
oh, I'm pretty stressed out.

1515
01:04:44,864 --> 01:04:47,496
And then they would just be like, oh, you
didn't actually have to tell me the truth.

1516
01:04:47,520 --> 01:04:50,552
And I'm like, well, what do you want for me?
You asked me what you was.

1517
01:04:50,608 --> 01:04:52,804
If I don't tell you the truth, wouldn't you
want me to just lie?

1518
01:04:53,664 --> 01:04:55,280
Adam: It's a rhetorical question.

1519
01:04:55,432 --> 01:04:55,840
Why?

1520
01:04:55,912 --> 01:04:58,896
Becca: What's the point of it if you don't
want the actual answer?

1521
01:04:59,080 --> 01:05:00,032
Moshe: Like, I don't understand.

1522
01:05:00,128 --> 01:05:01,448
Why even say it?

1523
01:05:01,616 --> 01:05:03,904
Like, how you doing?
You don't actually care.

1524
01:05:04,024 --> 01:05:04,848
Tell me what you want.

1525
01:05:04,896 --> 01:05:07,480
Leah: Also, that's because I'm a troll,
though, to be honest with you.

1526
01:05:07,512 --> 01:05:11,128
I understand the rhetoric of the question, but
somebody will say, how are you?

1527
01:05:11,136 --> 01:05:12,424
And I'm like, my back kind of hurts.

1528
01:05:12,464 --> 01:05:14,896
I'm a little bit hungry, and I feel a bit sad.

1529
01:05:14,960 --> 01:05:15,804
How are you?

1530
01:05:16,104 --> 01:05:17,536
Moshe: They're just saying, how you doing?

1531
01:05:17,640 --> 01:05:18,888
Becca: Yeah, right.

1532
01:05:19,056 --> 01:05:20,448
Moshe: Nice day we're having today.

1533
01:05:20,576 --> 01:05:20,984
I guess.

1534
01:05:21,024 --> 01:05:23,648
So is there anything I can do for you or talk
about?

1535
01:05:23,696 --> 01:05:28,800
Leah: I know when I can't hear their end of
the conversation, but I hear him go, hi.

1536
01:05:28,832 --> 01:05:29,488
Ba ba ba ba.

1537
01:05:29,536 --> 01:05:30,128
Customer service.

1538
01:05:30,176 --> 01:05:30,896
Buh buh buh buh buh.

1539
01:05:30,920 --> 01:05:31,524
Hello.

1540
01:05:31,904 --> 01:05:35,368
And then I hear him go, I'm just peachy, thank
you.

1541
01:05:35,416 --> 01:05:36,680
How can I help you?

1542
01:05:36,832 --> 01:05:37,456
Moshe: That's my word.

1543
01:05:37,480 --> 01:05:37,826
Now.

1544
01:05:37,920 --> 01:05:39,054
Leah: Just peachy.

1545
01:05:39,214 --> 01:05:41,606
Moshe: I thought to myself, what can I say to
that?

1546
01:05:41,670 --> 01:05:44,638
To the question that gets people to change the
subject?

1547
01:05:44,686 --> 01:05:48,758
So I started using the word, how you doing
today, peachy.

1548
01:05:48,806 --> 01:05:50,038
How can I help you?

1549
01:05:50,206 --> 01:05:51,794
Becca: Yeah. And maybe they'll catch.

1550
01:05:53,614 --> 01:05:54,062
Yeah.

1551
01:05:54,118 --> 01:05:58,446
Adam: And are those calls recorded for quality
assurance like this?

1552
01:05:58,550 --> 01:06:00,606
Some of this stuff gets committed to tape,
yeah.

1553
01:06:00,710 --> 01:06:02,110
So they'll know if you're not.

1554
01:06:02,142 --> 01:06:03,330
Moshe: Oh, yes, absolutely.

1555
01:06:03,462 --> 01:06:04,134
They.

1556
01:06:05,874 --> 01:06:10,354
Becca: I hate doing phone calls anyway, so I
wouldn't do that to you.

1557
01:06:10,394 --> 01:06:11,730
So I'd just be like.

1558
01:06:11,842 --> 01:06:13,474
I would just wait until you ask me the next

1559
01:06:13,514 --> 01:06:15,894
question and then hope that I'm actually still
on the line.

1560
01:06:16,434 --> 01:06:18,010
But if I can, I will.

1561
01:06:18,082 --> 01:06:20,602
I will avoid phone calls at all costs.

1562
01:06:20,778 --> 01:06:21,618
I just.

1563
01:06:21,666 --> 01:06:24,906
I hate it, and I know I can, and I can tell if

1564
01:06:24,930 --> 01:06:26,602
the other person is also uncomfortable.

1565
01:06:26,658 --> 01:06:29,218
And so I'm just like, she rehearses.

1566
01:06:29,266 --> 01:06:30,114
Adam: Before a phone call.

1567
01:06:30,154 --> 01:06:30,858
Becca: Oh, I write it down.

1568
01:06:30,906 --> 01:06:33,190
I have scripts that I write down, especially

1569
01:06:33,222 --> 01:06:37,234
if I'm ordering food, because if somebody
these days, thankfully, we can do that.

1570
01:06:38,334 --> 01:06:39,114
Yeah.

1571
01:06:39,734 --> 01:06:42,422
Leah: Oh, in restaurants, you're like, what do
I want to eat, dear?

1572
01:06:42,478 --> 01:06:43,518
He's like, you just.

1573
01:06:43,686 --> 01:06:44,646
Moshe: You just order for me.

1574
01:06:44,670 --> 01:06:45,270
You know what I like.

1575
01:06:45,302 --> 01:06:45,982
I don't have to talk.

1576
01:06:46,038 --> 01:06:48,006
Becca: Yeah, I usually like the same thing.

1577
01:06:48,070 --> 01:06:50,534
Or, like, if we go to a fast food place, which

1578
01:06:50,694 --> 01:06:53,742
our daughter right now, she's super into,
like, McDonald's and chick fil a. And it

1579
01:06:53,758 --> 01:06:56,286
actually hurts my stomach, but I'll go with
it.

1580
01:06:56,310 --> 01:06:58,780
But she, like, I literally just text him.

1581
01:06:58,902 --> 01:07:00,320
Like, I'm sitting right behind him, but I'll

1582
01:07:00,352 --> 01:07:01,880
text him because I'm like, you need to order
it.

1583
01:07:01,912 --> 01:07:02,392
Right.

1584
01:07:02,528 --> 01:07:04,856
But I don't want to, like, say it while the

1585
01:07:04,880 --> 01:07:05,964
person's talking.

1586
01:07:06,544 --> 01:07:06,896
It's.

1587
01:07:06,920 --> 01:07:07,992
It's a whole thing.

1588
01:07:08,168 --> 01:07:09,928
Yeah, yeah.

1589
01:07:09,976 --> 01:07:14,056
Leah: So our daughter, actually, that just
brought up a funny thing about our daughter is

1590
01:07:14,080 --> 01:07:19,584
that she's obviously, like, in the technology
age and she has a smartphone, and if somebody

1591
01:07:19,624 --> 01:07:23,400
calls her, she'll almost literally throw the
phone and be like, what, psychotic?

1592
01:07:23,472 --> 01:07:24,684
Calls anybody?

1593
01:07:25,744 --> 01:07:29,152
Becca: Text?
Yeah, my ringer is always off, and I have a

1594
01:07:29,168 --> 01:07:29,616
cool ringer.

1595
01:07:29,640 --> 01:07:32,254
It's like the Zelda ringer, but at the same

1596
01:07:32,294 --> 01:07:34,310
time, it's like, I like the ringer, but I
don't want to hear it.

1597
01:07:34,342 --> 01:07:36,246
So I have it turned off all the time.

1598
01:07:36,430 --> 01:07:37,198
And if it.

1599
01:07:37,286 --> 01:07:40,606
My daughter will turn it on to play a game,
and if I hear it, I'm immediately like, how

1600
01:07:40,630 --> 01:07:42,782
dare you?
Like, it's, what a maniac.

1601
01:07:42,838 --> 01:07:43,374
I can't.

1602
01:07:43,454 --> 01:07:45,614
Adam: What are you calling me on my phone?
What's going on?

1603
01:07:45,654 --> 01:07:47,102
Becca: His mother still calls me.

1604
01:07:47,198 --> 01:07:48,294
I never answer.

1605
01:07:48,414 --> 01:07:51,110
Moshe: Or when you text someone and then they
call you, what kind of a.

1606
01:07:51,142 --> 01:07:53,462
Leah: Psycho calls people these days?
That's what she says.

1607
01:07:53,518 --> 01:07:54,318
Adam: Exactly.

1608
01:07:54,486 --> 01:07:56,518
It's like, no, they'd be shocked to know that

1609
01:07:56,566 --> 01:07:57,154
phone.

1610
01:07:59,264 --> 01:08:01,928
Leah: Yeah. Let's discuss perfectionism real
quick.

1611
01:08:02,096 --> 01:08:04,152
I think real quick, because we always go over
time.

1612
01:08:04,208 --> 01:08:06,336
If you listen to more of our stuff, you're
going to hear every time.

1613
01:08:06,360 --> 01:08:07,632
We're like, oh, so we're going over.

1614
01:08:07,688 --> 01:08:08,484
Quick, quick.

1615
01:08:09,304 --> 01:08:14,496
Moshe: When we first started the idea of this
podcast, we were we were saying, you know, how

1616
01:08:14,600 --> 01:08:15,016
long should.

1617
01:08:15,040 --> 01:08:15,544
The episodes.

1618
01:08:15,584 --> 01:08:16,672
Leah: We were afraid we could.

1619
01:08:16,728 --> 01:08:18,736
Moshe: 2030 minutes, maybe?
Like, I don't know.

1620
01:08:18,760 --> 01:08:19,704
Well, we'll see how it goes.

1621
01:08:19,744 --> 01:08:21,432
And then, like, an hour and a bit later, we

1622
01:08:21,448 --> 01:08:23,604
were like, are we still talking about dishes?

1623
01:08:25,224 --> 01:08:26,016
Becca: We're the same way.

1624
01:08:26,040 --> 01:08:28,072
Because I can't stop talking about what I

1625
01:08:28,088 --> 01:08:28,644
love.

1626
01:08:29,584 --> 01:08:31,600
Moshe: I love talking that they.

1627
01:08:31,752 --> 01:08:32,564
What they.

1628
01:08:32,864 --> 01:08:34,616
When I. Back to the nursing thing, when I.

1629
01:08:34,640 --> 01:08:37,232
When I was a terrible nursing aide, but they

1630
01:08:37,248 --> 01:08:40,204
would tell me just to go in and talk to
people.

1631
01:08:40,544 --> 01:08:41,024
They said.

1632
01:08:41,064 --> 01:08:42,456
I said, what do you want me to talk about?

1633
01:08:42,480 --> 01:08:43,280
They said, it doesn't matter.

1634
01:08:43,352 --> 01:08:44,960
Just go in and talk to them until they fall

1635
01:08:44,992 --> 01:08:45,328
asleep.

1636
01:08:45,376 --> 01:08:45,880
Leah: No, it's true.

1637
01:08:45,912 --> 01:08:46,984
He's got that voice, though.

1638
01:08:47,024 --> 01:08:47,896
I used to.

1639
01:08:48,040 --> 01:08:49,752
His office used to be in our bedroom, and if I

1640
01:08:49,768 --> 01:08:53,958
needed a nap, I would go into the bed and just
listen to him and talk to customers, and I

1641
01:08:53,966 --> 01:08:54,606
would fall asleep.

1642
01:08:54,670 --> 01:08:56,874
Moshe: Because you can shut your brain off and
just talk.

1643
01:08:57,414 --> 01:09:00,310
I don't know what I'm saying half the time,
but seem to like it.

1644
01:09:00,502 --> 01:09:01,566
Becca: See, I have to.

1645
01:09:01,670 --> 01:09:04,142
Like, he used to sing in here and, like, I

1646
01:09:04,158 --> 01:09:06,054
would close my door and be like, oh, my God.

1647
01:09:06,214 --> 01:09:07,510
Like, is he ever gonna be quiet?

1648
01:09:07,582 --> 01:09:08,914
I need my quiet time.

1649
01:09:09,454 --> 01:09:09,990
But, like.

1650
01:09:10,022 --> 01:09:10,902
And not that I didn't appreciate.

1651
01:09:10,918 --> 01:09:12,646
Cause he used to write songs, and I feel bad

1652
01:09:12,670 --> 01:09:14,086
because he used to write songs about me.

1653
01:09:14,110 --> 01:09:16,550
And, like, every girl is like, oh, look, he's

1654
01:09:16,582 --> 01:09:17,222
serenading you.

1655
01:09:17,238 --> 01:09:17,870
It's so sweet.

1656
01:09:17,902 --> 01:09:19,649
And I'm like, yeah, sorry.

1657
01:09:19,721 --> 01:09:21,013
She could care less.

1658
01:09:21,873 --> 01:09:23,513
Not that I don't appreciate you.

1659
01:09:23,553 --> 01:09:25,385
It's just, you know, I just never.

1660
01:09:25,449 --> 01:09:25,793
I guess.

1661
01:09:25,833 --> 01:09:26,177
Whatever.

1662
01:09:26,225 --> 01:09:27,801
But, yeah, yeah, I don't.

1663
01:09:27,977 --> 01:09:28,977
Adam: I'm not in your fan club.

1664
01:09:29,025 --> 01:09:29,773
Okay.

1665
01:09:30,193 --> 01:09:33,465
Becca: But, see, I worked at night when I did
nursing, so that's one thing I had I could

1666
01:09:33,489 --> 01:09:39,081
avoid because most of them were either asleep
or didn't want to see me anyway, so that was

1667
01:09:39,097 --> 01:09:40,293
the only good thing about.

1668
01:09:41,393 --> 01:09:43,433
Leah: Yep. So, perfectionism.

1669
01:09:43,593 --> 01:09:45,417
What is this thing with perfectionism?

1670
01:09:45,465 --> 01:09:46,133
Motion.

1671
01:09:46,444 --> 01:09:52,580
Moshe: You did a video about perfectionism
that really resonates with me because I don't

1672
01:09:52,612 --> 01:09:53,584
really even.

1673
01:09:54,684 --> 01:09:57,544
I don't understand how anyone cannot really.

1674
01:09:59,804 --> 01:10:04,772
I did a lot of data entry because I noticed
little tiny things.

1675
01:10:04,828 --> 01:10:10,824
Like, I hear sounds that nobody else sees, and
I said that x is not exactly perfect.

1676
01:10:11,434 --> 01:10:14,050
And I don't really know how.

1677
01:10:14,122 --> 01:10:16,314
How anyone can do anything unless it's done

1678
01:10:16,354 --> 01:10:17,730
properly all the time.

1679
01:10:17,802 --> 01:10:22,954
Leah: So, in our life, much like, I assume
yours, we can't move forward a lot of the time

1680
01:10:22,994 --> 01:10:24,490
unless something is perfect.

1681
01:10:24,682 --> 01:10:26,698
And, Adam, how do you deal with that when you

1682
01:10:26,706 --> 01:10:30,074
just have to get things done, because I don't
deal with it well.

1683
01:10:30,154 --> 01:10:31,018
I'm not going to lie.

1684
01:10:31,066 --> 01:10:33,002
I'm like, okay, it's good enough.

1685
01:10:33,178 --> 01:10:34,298
Give me the thing.

1686
01:10:34,426 --> 01:10:35,090
Let's go.

1687
01:10:35,162 --> 01:10:36,698
And he gets quite upset.

1688
01:10:36,746 --> 01:10:38,522
But I don't know what else to do with two kids

1689
01:10:38,578 --> 01:10:39,814
and two job.

1690
01:10:39,894 --> 01:10:42,358
Moshe: So one time, I'll tell the story quick.

1691
01:10:42,526 --> 01:10:44,526
One time she sent me to the drugstore to pick

1692
01:10:44,550 --> 01:10:45,142
up some stuff.

1693
01:10:45,198 --> 01:10:45,726
Leah: Oh, yeah?

1694
01:10:45,830 --> 01:10:47,794
Moshe: Yes, the drugstore story.

1695
01:10:48,254 --> 01:10:50,126
She sent me to the drugstore to go pick up

1696
01:10:50,150 --> 01:10:50,510
some stuff.

1697
01:10:50,542 --> 01:10:52,342
And while I was there, I decided I needed a

1698
01:10:52,358 --> 01:10:52,910
new deodorant.

1699
01:10:52,942 --> 01:10:54,238
But they didn't have the one that I really

1700
01:10:54,286 --> 01:10:54,994
liked.

1701
01:10:55,294 --> 01:10:58,726
So I feel like somewhere there's somebody

1702
01:10:58,790 --> 01:11:03,926
looking at that tape of the security camera
because I stood in that section and just

1703
01:11:03,990 --> 01:11:06,426
stared, just a row of things.

1704
01:11:06,490 --> 01:11:09,650
Leah: I'm sorry to interrupt you, sweetie, but
I have to note that he already had four

1705
01:11:09,682 --> 01:11:10,778
deodorants at home.

1706
01:11:10,866 --> 01:11:11,474
Moshe: I do.

1707
01:11:11,594 --> 01:11:13,378
Because I'm not sure which one I want.

1708
01:11:13,546 --> 01:11:16,654
And I just kind of stared at the shelf.

1709
01:11:17,834 --> 01:11:19,454
That's the best way to.

1710
01:11:20,234 --> 01:11:27,130
If you are looking to distract me, ask me a
question that is general enough to just get

1711
01:11:27,162 --> 01:11:31,802
me, what's the best pet food?
I used to manage a pet store.

1712
01:11:31,858 --> 01:11:32,434
Leah: Don't do it.

1713
01:11:32,474 --> 01:11:33,498
Moshe: I was terrible at it.

1714
01:11:33,546 --> 01:11:35,054
I used to manage a pet store.

1715
01:11:35,384 --> 01:11:40,120
And so I researched everything, everything
about pet food.

1716
01:11:40,272 --> 01:11:42,904
Leah: Okay, you need to go back to the
deodorant now, though.

1717
01:11:43,024 --> 01:11:45,088
Moshe: And people would say, this is.

1718
01:11:45,216 --> 01:11:45,920
They intersect.

1719
01:11:45,952 --> 01:11:46,488
They intersect.

1720
01:11:46,536 --> 01:11:47,080
Leah: Okay.

1721
01:11:47,192 --> 01:11:48,364
Moshe: People would say.

1722
01:11:49,624 --> 01:11:51,232
People would walk in all the time and they

1723
01:11:51,248 --> 01:11:56,520
would say, what's the best dog food?
And I was like, well, you could get this one

1724
01:11:56,552 --> 01:11:57,432
because it has this.

1725
01:11:57,528 --> 01:12:02,408
But this has 99% of the required protein.

1726
01:12:02,496 --> 01:12:03,856
Now you can do 90, anyone.

1727
01:12:03,880 --> 01:12:05,716
They would say, I just want the red one.

1728
01:12:05,900 --> 01:12:06,708
But I would.

1729
01:12:06,796 --> 01:12:07,636
I would.

1730
01:12:07,820 --> 01:12:09,508
I just stood there and I stared at the.

1731
01:12:09,636 --> 01:12:11,356
For 45 minutes because I didn't have the one

1732
01:12:11,380 --> 01:12:12,308
that I wanted.

1733
01:12:12,476 --> 01:12:16,116
And in my head, I was thinking to myself, I

1734
01:12:16,260 --> 01:12:20,948
can't possibly spend the whole day at the
drawer because if I go home, like, I'm going

1735
01:12:20,956 --> 01:12:22,852
to have to go back to bed, because I just.

1736
01:12:23,028 --> 01:12:26,556
If I couldn't, if I could not decide on a

1737
01:12:26,580 --> 01:12:30,604
deodorant at 10:00 in the morning, then the
day is basically done because that.

1738
01:12:30,644 --> 01:12:33,284
That was required for me to function for the
rest of the day.

1739
01:12:33,314 --> 01:12:33,816
Day.

1740
01:12:33,960 --> 01:12:34,544
Adam: Yes.

1741
01:12:34,664 --> 01:12:36,804
Moshe: I just grabbed one and closed my eyes.

1742
01:12:37,944 --> 01:12:39,248
Adam: Oh, my God, the chaos.

1743
01:12:39,336 --> 01:12:41,312
Becca: It's like decision paralysis,
basically.

1744
01:12:41,408 --> 01:12:42,064
Adam: Yes.

1745
01:12:42,224 --> 01:12:43,184
Becca: You just can't.

1746
01:12:43,304 --> 01:12:44,084
It is.

1747
01:12:45,664 --> 01:12:46,048
Yeah.

1748
01:12:46,096 --> 01:12:46,960
I won't eat lunch.

1749
01:12:47,032 --> 01:12:52,728
If nothing is appealing to me, like, yeah, I
do get hungry, but if I go downstairs and I

1750
01:12:52,736 --> 01:12:55,136
don't see something I want, I'm like, well,
I'm just not gonna eat.

1751
01:12:55,320 --> 01:12:55,944
That's just.

1752
01:12:56,024 --> 01:12:56,688
Yeah, that's.

1753
01:12:56,776 --> 01:12:58,368
Adam: She can totally skip a meal, no problem.

1754
01:12:58,416 --> 01:13:00,000
Becca: Yeah. And then I'll have a headache and
wonder why later.

1755
01:13:00,032 --> 01:13:02,662
And I know that that's why, but it's.

1756
01:13:02,718 --> 01:13:03,350
It's.

1757
01:13:03,502 --> 01:13:04,758
I just can't do it.

1758
01:13:04,846 --> 01:13:10,314
Adam: So I. You know, I understand
perfectionism to the degree that, like.

1759
01:13:10,654 --> 01:13:14,406
Like, as a musician, we're sitting in my home
studio right now.

1760
01:13:14,430 --> 01:13:14,870
I've.

1761
01:13:14,982 --> 01:13:16,270
I've made a bunch of music in here.

1762
01:13:16,302 --> 01:13:17,550
I've, you know, written songs.

1763
01:13:17,582 --> 01:13:20,574
I've recorded, produced, mixed, and mastered

1764
01:13:20,614 --> 01:13:21,390
and released them.

1765
01:13:21,422 --> 01:13:23,274
You know, I've been through the whole process.

1766
01:13:23,974 --> 01:13:24,834
You can.

1767
01:13:25,174 --> 01:13:27,198
You can get to a point with creative work

1768
01:13:27,246 --> 01:13:27,472
where.

1769
01:13:27,518 --> 01:13:29,580
Where you're not making it better, you're just

1770
01:13:29,612 --> 01:13:30,612
making it different.

1771
01:13:30,788 --> 01:13:33,344
You kind of reach that threshold, you know?

1772
01:13:34,124 --> 01:13:38,084
And one thing that helped me was another
songwriter and musician named Dave Barnes.

1773
01:13:38,124 --> 01:13:39,980
He's based in Nashville, Tennessee.

1774
01:13:40,172 --> 01:13:41,708
He said he did.

1775
01:13:41,756 --> 01:13:45,956
He did a podcast where he strictly talked
about, you know, special interest in music,

1776
01:13:46,140 --> 01:13:53,788
and he said there is a gulf fixed between how
we experience our music and how everyone else

1777
01:13:53,836 --> 01:13:54,812
experiences our music.

1778
01:13:54,868 --> 01:13:56,664
And you will never cross that.

1779
01:13:56,784 --> 01:14:00,352
You will never experience your music the same
way that other people do.

1780
01:14:00,528 --> 01:14:00,864
Leah: Right.

1781
01:14:00,904 --> 01:14:02,040
Adam: And you're a songwriter.

1782
01:14:02,152 --> 01:14:04,136
Like, you do this to pay your bills.

1783
01:14:04,280 --> 01:14:05,684
It's never going to happen.

1784
01:14:06,024 --> 01:14:09,168
So when you want it to be perfect, you're not

1785
01:14:09,216 --> 01:14:13,544
actually achieving a better result for the
listener.

1786
01:14:13,704 --> 01:14:16,096
There's no direct correlation between those
two things.

1787
01:14:16,160 --> 01:14:17,232
Becca: That's frustrating to me.

1788
01:14:17,288 --> 01:14:18,336
Adam: Of course it is.

1789
01:14:18,440 --> 01:14:19,096
Moshe: Yeah, but.

1790
01:14:19,120 --> 01:14:19,848
Absolutely.

1791
01:14:20,016 --> 01:14:24,764
Adam: But this is the truth of being, you
know, autonomous human beings who have

1792
01:14:24,804 --> 01:14:27,744
different experiences of the exact same thing.

1793
01:14:29,084 --> 01:14:31,964
I know what it's like to get super granular

1794
01:14:32,084 --> 01:14:32,744
about.

1795
01:14:33,084 --> 01:14:36,140
Maybe I need to turn this snare drum up a half

1796
01:14:36,172 --> 01:14:39,684
a day, a half a decibel, because it's not
quite hitting.

1797
01:14:39,804 --> 01:14:41,924
And it's like the listener doesn't care, man.

1798
01:14:42,084 --> 01:14:43,132
They don't care.

1799
01:14:43,308 --> 01:14:44,224
They care.

1800
01:14:47,244 --> 01:14:51,152
Leah: And so my theory in life is good enough.

1801
01:14:51,208 --> 01:14:52,696
Maybe I'm the only one in this whole

1802
01:14:52,760 --> 01:14:56,448
discussion, but my theory if is good enough,
is good enough, because what is perfection

1803
01:14:56,536 --> 01:15:03,224
anyway?
What's 100% is not 100% to me.

1804
01:15:03,384 --> 01:15:04,200
Adam: Exactly.

1805
01:15:04,272 --> 01:15:06,632
Becca: It's like getting a 98 on a. On a test,
though.

1806
01:15:06,688 --> 01:15:10,760
Moshe: Yeah. And I'm like a 70 than a 98.

1807
01:15:10,832 --> 01:15:12,680
What did I do that I lost that 2%?

1808
01:15:12,792 --> 01:15:16,704
Becca: Well, I think one time I was really
overwhelmed and overworked one semester, and,

1809
01:15:16,744 --> 01:15:19,392
like, I forgot to add in my title.

1810
01:15:19,488 --> 01:15:20,278
I had figured out.

1811
01:15:20,286 --> 01:15:22,422
I had it written out, but I forgot to add it
into my actual paper.

1812
01:15:22,478 --> 01:15:24,046
And I was so angry with myself.

1813
01:15:24,110 --> 01:15:26,718
I was angry at myself for months after that.

1814
01:15:26,806 --> 01:15:28,854
Cause I got a 98 because of that.

1815
01:15:28,894 --> 01:15:33,358
Adam: Yeah. So something you guys said in the
episode that I listened to actually floored

1816
01:15:33,406 --> 01:15:33,830
me.

1817
01:15:33,942 --> 01:15:35,934
I think it was Leia that said, the autistic

1818
01:15:36,014 --> 01:15:42,634
brain craves consistency, and the ADHD brain
craves novelty.

1819
01:15:42,934 --> 01:15:49,754
And I think it's that craving for consistency
that drives you toward perfection.

1820
01:15:50,734 --> 01:15:52,166
So that.

1821
01:15:52,190 --> 01:15:53,302
Becca: And a fear of failure.

1822
01:15:53,438 --> 01:15:54,518
Adam: Fear of failure.

1823
01:15:54,686 --> 01:15:55,614
Becca: Fear of failure.

1824
01:15:55,694 --> 01:15:57,966
Adam: And I am not sure, you know, this is.

1825
01:15:58,030 --> 01:15:59,558
Some of this is brain wiring.

1826
01:15:59,686 --> 01:16:05,470
But I think there's another component of just
untangled, like trauma that's never been

1827
01:16:05,502 --> 01:16:08,990
untangled from growing up in a world not built
for you.

1828
01:16:09,142 --> 01:16:16,176
You know, you got thrust into adult life
completely unprepared, and you survived like

1829
01:16:16,200 --> 01:16:17,880
you made it to today.

1830
01:16:18,072 --> 01:16:20,984
But along the way, there's a lot of extremely

1831
01:16:21,024 --> 01:16:23,800
painful, more painful experiences.

1832
01:16:23,872 --> 01:16:28,440
And so that perfectionism is almost like, I

1833
01:16:28,472 --> 01:16:34,912
theorize it's almost like a safe place for you
to feel like you're succeeding.

1834
01:16:35,088 --> 01:16:42,294
And it's so difficult to give it up because
this makes me feel like a person when I feel

1835
01:16:42,334 --> 01:16:43,550
like this is perfect.

1836
01:16:43,702 --> 01:16:46,514
Becca: Also, it's driving me to continue to do
the thing.

1837
01:16:46,814 --> 01:16:51,550
Cause a lot of times I have a hard time, like,
you can get in here, write music, do all the

1838
01:16:51,582 --> 01:16:53,214
things I sit down to write.

1839
01:16:53,254 --> 01:16:54,270
I'll write 500 words.

1840
01:16:54,302 --> 01:16:56,670
And I'm like, oh, God, I gotta go do the other
thing real quick.

1841
01:16:56,782 --> 01:16:58,974
And it's like, I feel like I'm never gonna get
done.

1842
01:16:59,014 --> 01:16:59,710
I'm never gonna get done.

1843
01:16:59,742 --> 01:17:01,470
And then I go through the editing process of

1844
01:17:01,502 --> 01:17:02,102
what I wrote.

1845
01:17:02,158 --> 01:17:03,670
And I have to remember, too, that you writing

1846
01:17:03,702 --> 01:17:05,926
a song doesn't take as long as writing a whole
novel.

1847
01:17:06,030 --> 01:17:06,502
Adam: Oh, no.

1848
01:17:06,558 --> 01:17:08,574
Becca: Because otherwise I feel like a
complete failure.

1849
01:17:08,614 --> 01:17:11,898
Why can't I put out out?
Why don't I have as much output as he does?

1850
01:17:11,946 --> 01:17:13,986
Why can't I get this done quicker?

1851
01:17:14,170 --> 01:17:16,954
Adam: Yeah, we can have things going on
cognitively.

1852
01:17:16,994 --> 01:17:21,178
Even as a neurotypical, we can have things
going on cognitively that actually would push

1853
01:17:21,226 --> 01:17:24,882
us beyond the limits of our own humanity, and
that's just not sustainable.

1854
01:17:24,978 --> 01:17:25,346
Becca: Yeah.

1855
01:17:25,410 --> 01:17:29,810
Adam: And so, you know, look, I'm 40 years old
now, married, with an eight year old daughter

1856
01:17:29,842 --> 01:17:30,490
and a mortgage.

1857
01:17:30,562 --> 01:17:31,690
I got stuff to do.

1858
01:17:31,762 --> 01:17:33,258
Becca: Also, you can try new things.

1859
01:17:33,386 --> 01:17:36,108
If I try something new and I don't do it well

1860
01:17:36,226 --> 01:17:38,448
the first time I automatically suck.

1861
01:17:38,576 --> 01:17:39,752
I'm just terrible at it.

1862
01:17:39,848 --> 01:17:41,040
I must be terrible at it.

1863
01:17:41,112 --> 01:17:41,880
So I give up.

1864
01:17:41,952 --> 01:17:43,600
And it's, it's not perfect.

1865
01:17:43,752 --> 01:17:44,704
I'm not good at it.

1866
01:17:44,744 --> 01:17:45,384
I can't do it.

1867
01:17:45,424 --> 01:17:45,936
So sure.

1868
01:17:46,000 --> 01:17:49,856
And I know, I know logically speaking, and I
tell my daughter, no practice.

1869
01:17:49,880 --> 01:17:50,608
You got to practice.

1870
01:17:50,656 --> 01:17:51,352
And that'll make you.

1871
01:17:51,408 --> 01:17:52,528
But I don't take my own advice.

1872
01:17:52,576 --> 01:17:53,724
I cannot do it.

1873
01:17:54,624 --> 01:17:55,608
I just suck.

1874
01:17:55,736 --> 01:17:56,584
I just suck at it.

1875
01:17:56,624 --> 01:18:07,140
Adam: Yeah. So to sum up, the perfectionism is
a, it's a real cognitive driving force, but

1876
01:18:07,172 --> 01:18:08,556
it's just not sustainable.

1877
01:18:08,660 --> 01:18:11,500
And I think the more, you know, and again, I'm

1878
01:18:11,532 --> 01:18:16,676
trying to give, I guess I'm trying to give
advice to people who've lived neurodivergent

1879
01:18:16,700 --> 01:18:17,548
in the world.

1880
01:18:17,716 --> 01:18:20,076
It's not, it's not, it doesn't, that does not

1881
01:18:20,100 --> 01:18:20,908
occur in a vacuum.

1882
01:18:20,956 --> 01:18:23,064
Becca: Well, we know it's not sustainable.

1883
01:18:23,404 --> 01:18:25,116
It's not that we don't know, but it still

1884
01:18:25,140 --> 01:18:28,334
remains that perfection isn't like attainable.

1885
01:18:28,444 --> 01:18:31,170
Like, I know I'll never be perfect to some

1886
01:18:31,202 --> 01:18:34,474
degree, but that's not going to stop me from
needing it.

1887
01:18:34,554 --> 01:18:42,746
Adam: Right?
And I think, yes, and it doesn't, you know, it

1888
01:18:42,770 --> 01:18:48,562
doesn't go, it doesn't, you can't really learn
to pull that perfectionism into a practical

1889
01:18:48,618 --> 01:18:54,106
context unless you got people in your life who
are trying to help you, who are trying to

1890
01:18:54,130 --> 01:18:56,500
support, you know, it's none of this.

1891
01:18:56,572 --> 01:18:59,396
You know, it doesn't, I'm talking in an, I'm

1892
01:18:59,420 --> 01:19:03,636
talking about an ideal situation where someone
who's neurodivergent actually does have

1893
01:19:03,740 --> 01:19:06,932
support, the actual level of support they
actually need.

1894
01:19:07,108 --> 01:19:09,108
So it's, you know, it's a whole ball of wax.

1895
01:19:09,156 --> 01:19:11,464
But hopefully that answers the questions.

1896
01:19:11,964 --> 01:19:17,284
Leah: Something I learned from one of your
tiktoks as well is that neurodivergent people

1897
01:19:17,364 --> 01:19:20,900
don't get that sort of squirt of dopamine when
they complete something.

1898
01:19:20,972 --> 01:19:22,934
And that, that shocked me.

1899
01:19:23,094 --> 01:19:23,430
Adam: Yes.

1900
01:19:23,462 --> 01:19:26,702
Leah: Because when I successfully complete,
when I close the last page of a book, I'm

1901
01:19:26,718 --> 01:19:27,670
like, I did that.

1902
01:19:27,702 --> 01:19:28,990
Like, I feel super good about it.

1903
01:19:29,022 --> 01:19:31,630
Or yes, I complete a meal, I'm like, look at
that.

1904
01:19:31,662 --> 01:19:32,582
That's gorgeous.

1905
01:19:32,638 --> 01:19:35,870
And, and maybe it's also a case of you're just

1906
01:19:35,902 --> 01:19:39,434
never done because your brain doesn't tell
you, okay, reward, you're done.

1907
01:19:39,734 --> 01:19:45,166
Adam: Well, their brain has never been in a
posture of, I think I'm doing pretty good.

1908
01:19:45,270 --> 01:19:47,534
Yeah, I feel like I'm always, never actually
felt that.

1909
01:19:47,574 --> 01:19:49,826
Becca: I'm always trying to catch up a lot of
the time.

1910
01:19:49,890 --> 01:19:52,186
So, like, if now.

1911
01:19:52,210 --> 01:19:53,066
Moshe: What else do I have to do?

1912
01:19:53,090 --> 01:19:53,514
Leah: Yeah.

1913
01:19:53,634 --> 01:19:57,014
Becca: Okay. Like, it's about time.

1914
01:19:57,634 --> 01:19:58,626
So long.

1915
01:19:58,810 --> 01:19:59,106
Yeah.

1916
01:19:59,130 --> 01:20:03,866
Leah: I'm pretty critical between us because
I'm the type of person who will be like, you

1917
01:20:03,890 --> 01:20:04,994
woke up girly.

1918
01:20:05,114 --> 01:20:06,170
Good on you.

1919
01:20:06,322 --> 01:20:07,974
Becca: And see, I never.

1920
01:20:10,434 --> 01:20:10,914
Adam: Sure.

1921
01:20:10,994 --> 01:20:11,250
Becca: Yeah.

1922
01:20:11,282 --> 01:20:12,054
Leah: Like, why?

1923
01:20:12,554 --> 01:20:13,778
Becca: You hit snooze once.

1924
01:20:13,866 --> 01:20:14,610
So that's.

1925
01:20:14,642 --> 01:20:15,458
That's on you.

1926
01:20:15,546 --> 01:20:16,354
Adam: Well, you know, you've got.

1927
01:20:16,394 --> 01:20:16,570
Leah: All.

1928
01:20:16,602 --> 01:20:17,378
Moshe: This is over.

1929
01:20:17,426 --> 01:20:18,014
Really?

1930
01:20:18,434 --> 01:20:23,554
Adam: Yeah, you've got all this massive, you
know, this long, long history of quote

1931
01:20:23,594 --> 01:20:26,258
unquote, failing at doing life.

1932
01:20:26,426 --> 01:20:28,746
And so the only thing that has appeared to

1933
01:20:28,770 --> 01:20:31,898
keep you moving forward is the constant sense
of terror.

1934
01:20:32,066 --> 01:20:37,826
And so when you finish a task, all it does is
turn the volume knob down on the terror just a

1935
01:20:37,850 --> 01:20:41,842
little bit for about 30 seconds, and then
you're back to maximum terror.

1936
01:20:41,938 --> 01:20:44,218
Becca: The only thing I would say that's
helped me out.

1937
01:20:44,266 --> 01:20:44,974
Moshe: Exactly.

1938
01:20:45,374 --> 01:20:51,798
Becca: The only thing that's helped me,
though, is I think, just, like, I have to make

1939
01:20:51,846 --> 01:21:01,110
myself remember that this world was created by
people with brains that are different and the

1940
01:21:01,142 --> 01:21:02,714
expectations that are there.

1941
01:21:03,814 --> 01:21:07,462
The way that what success looks like for me is

1942
01:21:07,518 --> 01:21:09,622
not what success looks like for him.

1943
01:21:09,678 --> 01:21:10,526
Adam: That's right.

1944
01:21:10,710 --> 01:21:16,384
Becca: I don't understand the constant pushing
people out of the way and climbing to the top

1945
01:21:16,424 --> 01:21:18,136
of some career thing.

1946
01:21:18,280 --> 01:21:19,176
And maybe that's part of.

1947
01:21:19,200 --> 01:21:21,976
Part of that is me being more on the creative
end.

1948
01:21:22,040 --> 01:21:26,912
And so I'm just like, I would rather just sit
in my room by myself and write, and if I can

1949
01:21:26,928 --> 01:21:32,632
get a thousand words in, I will feel like I
did something and, like, yeah, everything.

1950
01:21:32,728 --> 01:21:33,112
I don't know.

1951
01:21:33,128 --> 01:21:33,616
Like, my.

1952
01:21:33,680 --> 01:21:37,584
My idea of success just doesn't match up with
the rest of the world.

1953
01:21:37,664 --> 01:21:41,056
Yeah, but that really sucks, because the rest
of the world's not gonna change for you.

1954
01:21:41,120 --> 01:21:46,088
Adam: No. Well, you know, those of us, us
neurotypicals have not figured out how to make

1955
01:21:46,136 --> 01:21:49,968
money off of your brain yet, and so you don't
have the support you need.

1956
01:21:50,016 --> 01:21:52,848
Becca: Well, I know you get on tick tock, and
they're like, get this magnesium spray and

1957
01:21:52,856 --> 01:21:55,368
spray on your foot, and you might feel better.

1958
01:21:55,456 --> 01:21:56,784
There's plenty of that out there.

1959
01:21:56,824 --> 01:21:59,512
You know, I'm not saying that that doesn't
work for people.

1960
01:21:59,568 --> 01:22:02,944
Some people do get their own little things and
whatever, but.

1961
01:22:03,064 --> 01:22:07,056
But I do think that there are people that are
trying to, like, sell things to

1962
01:22:07,160 --> 01:22:08,896
neurodivergents, telling them it works.

1963
01:22:08,960 --> 01:22:12,084
And, you know, what they really need is people

1964
01:22:12,124 --> 01:22:14,668
who are professionals who deal with this more
often.

1965
01:22:14,756 --> 01:22:15,340
Leah: Support.

1966
01:22:15,492 --> 01:22:17,224
Yeah, but that's expensive.

1967
01:22:18,684 --> 01:22:21,372
I mean, this has been so amazing.

1968
01:22:21,428 --> 01:22:23,412
I could talk all night, but we have to wrap it

1969
01:22:23,428 --> 01:22:23,556
up.

1970
01:22:23,580 --> 01:22:26,252
I think I wanted to really touch, and this was

1971
01:22:26,308 --> 01:22:28,684
more sort of a me and you topic.

1972
01:22:28,724 --> 01:22:31,220
Adam is bias and optics.

1973
01:22:31,372 --> 01:22:33,036
So I've gotten it a few times.

1974
01:22:33,100 --> 01:22:35,420
I feel like you've inevitably gotten it a few

1975
01:22:35,452 --> 01:22:41,460
times that when we're in a public forum doing
what we think is the best or what our spouse

1976
01:22:41,492 --> 01:22:47,740
needs, it looks like handling them, or, I've
gotten some hate about that.

1977
01:22:47,852 --> 01:22:52,104
Moshe's had some women offer to rescue him,
which was fun.

1978
01:22:53,484 --> 01:22:56,812
Moshe: We got a very strongly worded message.

1979
01:22:56,908 --> 01:22:59,544
Talking about some really.

1980
01:22:59,924 --> 01:23:01,604
It confused me a great deal.

1981
01:23:01,684 --> 01:23:05,836
Leah: Yeah. So that I'm abusive, and I. I kind
of made a joke at that point.

1982
01:23:05,860 --> 01:23:07,364
I said, yes, absolutely, I'm abusive.

1983
01:23:07,404 --> 01:23:09,316
Let me get the stepladder so I can climb up

1984
01:23:09,340 --> 01:23:10,036
there and hit you.

1985
01:23:10,060 --> 01:23:12,100
Adam: Like, yes, yes.

1986
01:23:12,172 --> 01:23:14,220
I can reach you on top of that high horse.

1987
01:23:14,292 --> 01:23:17,244
Becca: Yes, I've got some dms similar to that.

1988
01:23:17,284 --> 01:23:19,636
And I'm like, if you only knew, you would

1989
01:23:19,660 --> 01:23:22,064
probably running from me because.

1990
01:23:22,844 --> 01:23:27,844
Adam: I blocked someone and reported someone
today for a harassing DM on Instagram just

1991
01:23:27,884 --> 01:23:28,464
today.

1992
01:23:28,804 --> 01:23:29,244
It's.

1993
01:23:29,284 --> 01:23:30,172
It's very strange.

1994
01:23:30,228 --> 01:23:30,612
They.

1995
01:23:30,708 --> 01:23:31,436
What?
Our.

1996
01:23:31,540 --> 01:23:36,832
The negative feedback that we'll get is always
for me, you know?

1997
01:23:36,928 --> 01:23:39,208
How dare you?
What's so funny?

1998
01:23:39,256 --> 01:23:43,632
How dare you laugh at her?
How dare you mock her and then post it on the

1999
01:23:43,648 --> 01:23:44,424
Internet, etcetera?

2000
01:23:44,464 --> 01:23:45,104
Moshe: Oh, gosh.

2001
01:23:45,224 --> 01:23:47,724
Adam: Yeah. And that's another thing.

2002
01:23:48,064 --> 01:23:48,800
Leah: That's another thing.

2003
01:23:48,832 --> 01:23:49,896
How dare they judge.

2004
01:23:49,960 --> 01:23:51,776
Because this is not an easy life.

2005
01:23:51,840 --> 01:23:54,072
Essentially, we've decided to make

2006
01:23:54,248 --> 01:23:58,824
partnerships with people who we speak a
completely different language from each other.

2007
01:23:58,864 --> 01:24:00,364
It's not easy.

2008
01:24:00,864 --> 01:24:03,152
And how dare they say we can't deal with that

2009
01:24:03,168 --> 01:24:05,342
with a little bit of love and a sense of
humor.

2010
01:24:05,528 --> 01:24:07,082
Becca: Yeah. And for me, it feels.

2011
01:24:07,218 --> 01:24:10,994
I feel like if he's laughing, then this is

2012
01:24:11,034 --> 01:24:15,002
good, because I don't recognize if I've said
something wrong or not.

2013
01:24:15,018 --> 01:24:19,214
But if he's laughing, then, okay, I didn't say
something crazy, right.

2014
01:24:20,034 --> 01:24:21,610
I don't feel laughed at.

2015
01:24:21,722 --> 01:24:25,098
I feel like I have invoked humor of some sort.

2016
01:24:25,146 --> 01:24:29,546
And that's always been hard for me anyway, so
that, to me, feels good that, like, oh, I can

2017
01:24:29,570 --> 01:24:30,394
be funny.

2018
01:24:30,554 --> 01:24:33,854
You know, my face doesn't always fit my.

2019
01:24:34,384 --> 01:24:37,664
How I talk, and sometimes my voice doesn't
either.

2020
01:24:37,784 --> 01:24:43,224
Sometimes I sound very monotonous, and I never
sound excited for things, but I also don't

2021
01:24:43,264 --> 01:24:44,592
like inauthenticity.

2022
01:24:44,688 --> 01:24:47,000
I'm not gonna force myself to sound a certain

2023
01:24:47,032 --> 01:24:48,272
way that isn't me.

2024
01:24:48,448 --> 01:24:50,672
And so I think people see that and then they

2025
01:24:50,688 --> 01:24:55,064
see him laughing and they take that and think
like he is just being mean and he's taking

2026
01:24:55,104 --> 01:24:55,672
advantage of her.

2027
01:24:55,688 --> 01:24:57,376
And she's so naive and she doesn't even see

2028
01:24:57,400 --> 01:24:57,964
it.

2029
01:24:59,864 --> 01:25:05,510
Leah: So I see in you a lot of what happens
with us is that I see that you know Becca so

2030
01:25:05,542 --> 01:25:09,670
well and you want to help her so much that
sometimes she's struggling to get the thoughts

2031
01:25:09,702 --> 01:25:11,390
from here, out here.

2032
01:25:11,422 --> 01:25:14,238
So I'm pointing to my head, to my mouth, and I

2033
01:25:14,246 --> 01:25:18,318
see that with Moshe, too, and I'll often just
sort of help him along or finish his sentence.

2034
01:25:18,446 --> 01:25:23,430
And I get that that can look like controlling,
but it's actually helping with the world that

2035
01:25:23,502 --> 01:25:27,814
starts to understand is they need to ask the
neurodivergent how they actually feel about

2036
01:25:27,854 --> 01:25:28,366
that.

2037
01:25:28,510 --> 01:25:29,750
Adam: Yeah, of course.

2038
01:25:29,942 --> 01:25:32,966
Yeah. They. They make a ton of assumptions.

2039
01:25:33,110 --> 01:25:40,634
There is only so much complexity that you can
actually explain or display on social media.

2040
01:25:41,014 --> 01:25:46,118
You can't actually show all these layers and
all this personal history of a relationship

2041
01:25:46,166 --> 01:25:50,070
that's, you know, we've been together for 15
years now almost.

2042
01:25:50,262 --> 01:25:51,818
Becca: Yeah. Twelve and a half.

2043
01:25:51,896 --> 01:25:53,394
Adam: Yeah. And there's a lot of.

2044
01:25:53,694 --> 01:25:54,854
You can't explain that.

2045
01:25:54,894 --> 01:25:58,814
A 62nd video on an Instagram reel or what have
you.

2046
01:25:58,974 --> 01:26:01,374
And I understand, you know, there's, there's a
cap.

2047
01:26:01,454 --> 01:26:03,516
I understand that there's a cap on that.

2048
01:26:03,700 --> 01:26:06,700
At the same time, I also, you know, I heard

2049
01:26:06,732 --> 01:26:11,396
somebody say a long time ago, 10% of all your
criticism is free advice.

2050
01:26:11,580 --> 01:26:15,904
So I've actually started to add in the
captions on our post.

2051
01:26:16,204 --> 01:26:23,212
Hey, we both use humor to bring levity to a
very challenging situation.

2052
01:26:23,308 --> 01:26:24,308
Becca: Yeah, I need.

2053
01:26:24,476 --> 01:26:26,824
I need humor or I will collapse because

2054
01:26:27,204 --> 01:26:31,020
everything in my brain is always so serious
that, and sometimes my humor can be rather

2055
01:26:31,052 --> 01:26:32,896
dark and sarcastic.

2056
01:26:32,960 --> 01:26:33,840
But that is.

2057
01:26:33,952 --> 01:26:34,912
That's just me.

2058
01:26:34,968 --> 01:26:35,800
I'm not.

2059
01:26:35,992 --> 01:26:36,704
That's not.

2060
01:26:36,784 --> 01:26:38,880
And yes, I have experienced depression, but

2061
01:26:38,912 --> 01:26:41,288
no, I'm not, in that moment, depressed.

2062
01:26:41,376 --> 01:26:44,848
This is just how I find humor in the world.

2063
01:26:44,936 --> 01:26:46,024
And it's not.

2064
01:26:46,144 --> 01:26:49,736
I'm not trying to be morbid or whatever, it's

2065
01:26:49,760 --> 01:26:50,324
just.

2066
01:26:50,744 --> 01:26:53,600
It's just easy for me to experience these

2067
01:26:53,632 --> 01:26:55,440
emotions in those ways.

2068
01:26:55,552 --> 01:27:00,226
Adam: Yeah. So it's important to have, I was
just going to say it's important to have long

2069
01:27:00,290 --> 01:27:04,254
form, longer form content where we can try to
explain this stuff.

2070
01:27:04,874 --> 01:27:10,474
But at the same time, there's another dynamic
at play that I nicknamed digital psychology.

2071
01:27:10,634 --> 01:27:13,498
People behave differently on the Internet.

2072
01:27:13,586 --> 01:27:14,018
Becca: Yeah.

2073
01:27:14,106 --> 01:27:20,602
Adam: They say stuff and they pile on and get
swept up onto a bandwagon in comment threads.

2074
01:27:20,658 --> 01:27:25,818
And they say the most heinous trash you've
ever seen that they would never say to my face

2075
01:27:25,866 --> 01:27:29,122
if they met me, if they met us, you know,
somewhere out in public.

2076
01:27:29,298 --> 01:27:30,938
So that's also at play too.

2077
01:27:30,986 --> 01:27:34,138
And honestly, my rule for myself, if it's

2078
01:27:34,186 --> 01:27:39,874
negative feedback in a comment or like, if
they're just trying to pile on, I do not

2079
01:27:39,914 --> 01:27:40,802
respond to their comment.

2080
01:27:40,858 --> 01:27:41,594
I don't like it.

2081
01:27:41,634 --> 01:27:42,938
I don't reply to the comment.

2082
01:27:43,066 --> 01:27:46,014
I do respond to the people who do understand,

2083
01:27:46,754 --> 01:27:52,282
and I just don't waste my energy on any
negative feedback really, on the Internet,

2084
01:27:52,378 --> 01:27:53,578
because you can't.

2085
01:27:53,706 --> 01:27:54,698
You just, it's.

2086
01:27:54,746 --> 01:27:57,320
You're never going to get where you want it to
get to.

2087
01:27:57,512 --> 01:27:58,120
Leah: Absolutely.

2088
01:27:58,152 --> 01:28:00,416
We're open to criticism, but it has to come

2089
01:28:00,440 --> 01:28:01,632
from a good place.

2090
01:28:01,808 --> 01:28:02,416
Adam: It's true.

2091
01:28:02,480 --> 01:28:03,640
Becca: And he gets all the comments.

2092
01:28:03,712 --> 01:28:04,296
I don't.

2093
01:28:04,400 --> 01:28:05,416
It's on his page.

2094
01:28:05,480 --> 01:28:09,040
I cannot handle the notifications or the.

2095
01:28:09,192 --> 01:28:13,752
I'm not going to respond because I, I barely
respond to text messages.

2096
01:28:13,808 --> 01:28:14,944
I'm just really bad about that.

2097
01:28:14,984 --> 01:28:17,056
It's not that I don't appreciate people or

2098
01:28:17,080 --> 01:28:20,784
whatever doing, you know, it's just that he's
way better with that stuff.

2099
01:28:20,824 --> 01:28:23,192
And for me, if I get that many, I get
overwhelmed.

2100
01:28:23,248 --> 01:28:27,036
If I have too many apps, updates like I am, it
just, I can't.

2101
01:28:27,100 --> 01:28:28,820
My phone disappears for like 8 hours.

2102
01:28:28,852 --> 01:28:30,252
And I'm pretty sure that's subconscious for

2103
01:28:30,268 --> 01:28:30,396
me.

2104
01:28:30,420 --> 01:28:31,428
It just goes away.

2105
01:28:31,556 --> 01:28:36,396
Adam: And I do need to, like, the context of
me receiving all this negative feedback is the

2106
01:28:36,420 --> 01:28:38,660
fact that I work in healthcare.

2107
01:28:38,772 --> 01:28:41,276
I work with people who are disabled for a

2108
01:28:41,300 --> 01:28:41,940
living.

2109
01:28:42,132 --> 01:28:44,540
I would never make fun of those people on the

2110
01:28:44,572 --> 01:28:45,340
Internet.

2111
01:28:45,532 --> 01:28:46,532
I would never do that.

2112
01:28:46,548 --> 01:28:47,124
Leah: Seriously?

2113
01:28:47,204 --> 01:28:47,724
Becca: Yeah.

2114
01:28:47,844 --> 01:28:52,236
Adam: And I have seen some of the most heinous
stuff you have.

2115
01:28:52,340 --> 01:28:53,692
You could not imagine.

2116
01:28:53,788 --> 01:28:54,276
Cause I do.

2117
01:28:54,300 --> 01:28:54,956
Home healthcare.

2118
01:28:55,020 --> 01:28:56,172
Becca: Well, theirs is more visible, though.

2119
01:28:56,268 --> 01:28:57,464
Like, of course.

2120
01:28:59,844 --> 01:29:01,564
Adam: Like these people that comment this
stuff.

2121
01:29:01,604 --> 01:29:07,500
I'm like, you should come to work with me
because I've seen I have to come home and

2122
01:29:07,532 --> 01:29:14,380
like, hug a puppy because of how heinous, you
know, you walk into a house where someone has

2123
01:29:14,412 --> 01:29:19,788
not bathed in days, given up, they haven't
their type one diabetic who has no insulin in

2124
01:29:19,796 --> 01:29:23,046
the house, they have never checked their blood
sugar.

2125
01:29:23,220 --> 01:29:26,858
They, there's probably a drug deal happening
in the backyard.

2126
01:29:26,986 --> 01:29:30,570
But you guys don't know if you think I'm being
toxic.

2127
01:29:30,642 --> 01:29:31,962
You should, like, there's.

2128
01:29:32,018 --> 01:29:33,434
You guys don't even understand what you're

2129
01:29:33,474 --> 01:29:34,818
talking about to begin with.

2130
01:29:34,866 --> 01:29:37,098
So that's the context I feel like.

2131
01:29:37,146 --> 01:29:43,010
Leah: Anybody with, with two eyes watching
your content could see the kindness behind it.

2132
01:29:43,162 --> 01:29:43,890
Adam: Thank you.

2133
01:29:44,002 --> 01:29:48,138
Leah: But again, some people are just kind of
horrid and really judgmental, which is kind of

2134
01:29:48,146 --> 01:29:49,208
my love, last point.

2135
01:29:49,256 --> 01:29:52,048
If people don't understand, they probably

2136
01:29:52,136 --> 01:29:56,488
shouldn't be judging, which is why we do our
content, and I think why you do your content

2137
01:29:56,576 --> 01:29:57,208
as well.

2138
01:29:57,296 --> 01:29:57,992
Adam: Yes.

2139
01:29:58,168 --> 01:30:01,400
Leah: Because we looked at each other and we
said that he has to talk about this.

2140
01:30:01,432 --> 01:30:01,664
It's.

2141
01:30:01,704 --> 01:30:04,160
It's so uncommon, and it's such a niche, but I

2142
01:30:04,192 --> 01:30:06,764
don't think it's as uncommon as you think it
is.

2143
01:30:07,784 --> 01:30:08,776
Moshe: And, I mean, if you.

2144
01:30:08,840 --> 01:30:09,360
Adam: If you.

2145
01:30:09,432 --> 01:30:12,064
Moshe: If you've met one autistic, you know,
one autistic.

2146
01:30:12,104 --> 01:30:14,524
And, yeah, in this case, to.

2147
01:30:14,824 --> 01:30:16,256
We met two.

2148
01:30:16,400 --> 01:30:18,324
Leah: Yes. Now we know two autistics.

2149
01:30:18,944 --> 01:30:19,924
Becca: That's right.

2150
01:30:21,464 --> 01:30:25,736
Moshe: Adam and Becca, we are absolutely
thrilled to have you.

2151
01:30:25,920 --> 01:30:29,324
I don't know if you'd be open to doing another
one at some point.

2152
01:30:29,664 --> 01:30:31,364
I really enjoyed our talk.

2153
01:30:31,744 --> 01:30:32,760
Adam: So did we.

2154
01:30:32,912 --> 01:30:33,896
I think it's really great.

2155
01:30:33,960 --> 01:30:37,804
You know, I've said this in a video several,
like, weeks ago.

2156
01:30:38,104 --> 01:30:39,040
We didn't anticipate.

2157
01:30:39,072 --> 01:30:41,432
We didn't anticipate how much we would feel

2158
01:30:41,528 --> 01:30:47,350
supported it by actually making content about
this stuff, because until you discover other

2159
01:30:47,382 --> 01:30:51,790
people in the world who are having the same
experience, you think you're pretty much

2160
01:30:51,822 --> 01:30:52,126
alone.

2161
01:30:52,190 --> 01:30:53,794
Becca: It was also unintentional.

2162
01:30:54,174 --> 01:30:58,014
I never intended to tell anybody that I had

2163
01:30:58,054 --> 01:31:04,550
this going on, because I was afraid that
people who used to know me, who didn't have an

2164
01:31:04,582 --> 01:31:06,838
understanding of it, would be like, no, you're
not.

2165
01:31:06,886 --> 01:31:09,434
Why are you talking about this?
What's wrong with you?

2166
01:31:09,894 --> 01:31:11,314
I didn't want to.

2167
01:31:11,734 --> 01:31:12,566
I didn't.

2168
01:31:12,710 --> 01:31:17,126
It was kind of this imposter syndrome where it
was like, I don't want people thinking that

2169
01:31:17,150 --> 01:31:21,494
I'm being something that I'm not, but at the
same time, these are things that I'm dealing

2170
01:31:21,534 --> 01:31:21,758
with.

2171
01:31:21,806 --> 01:31:25,270
And so when that one TikTok went viral, I was

2172
01:31:25,302 --> 01:31:27,598
almost like, oh, no. Oh, my gosh.

2173
01:31:27,766 --> 01:31:31,246
People are gonna freak out, and I'm gonna have

2174
01:31:31,270 --> 01:31:32,246
to hear about this.

2175
01:31:32,310 --> 01:31:34,670
And so it was actually not my intention to

2176
01:31:34,702 --> 01:31:39,022
even tell people, even though I had been told
that this was what was going on with me,

2177
01:31:39,198 --> 01:31:43,998
because I didn't know how to tell people, and
I didn't know, like, your parents and stuff.

2178
01:31:44,046 --> 01:31:47,398
Like, they didn't know until TikTok.

2179
01:31:47,486 --> 01:31:49,334
Like, it wasn't something that I was telling

2180
01:31:49,374 --> 01:31:50,262
people at all.

2181
01:31:50,278 --> 01:31:50,830
Adam: That's right.

2182
01:31:50,942 --> 01:31:52,754
And it's difficult.

2183
01:31:53,774 --> 01:31:55,822
Leah: I guarantee you, for every person who
went, what?

2184
01:31:55,878 --> 01:31:56,358
No way.

2185
01:31:56,406 --> 01:31:58,478
There was a person from your past that went,

2186
01:31:58,526 --> 01:32:00,430
oh, that makes sense.

2187
01:32:00,622 --> 01:32:01,518
Becca: That's right.

2188
01:32:01,686 --> 01:32:02,574
Including my family.

2189
01:32:02,654 --> 01:32:06,854
I mean, you know, like my mom was, but my mom
also has the same experiences.

2190
01:32:06,894 --> 01:32:08,582
She was like, oh, but we just called it shy.

2191
01:32:08,678 --> 01:32:09,270
But she is.

2192
01:32:09,302 --> 01:32:09,638
Exactly.

2193
01:32:09,686 --> 01:32:12,996
And her, like, and like, it's just, there's a

2194
01:32:13,020 --> 01:32:15,892
reason why she only has one friend and.

2195
01:32:16,068 --> 01:32:16,708
Yeah.

2196
01:32:16,836 --> 01:32:21,468
Leah: So, you know, boys are difficult, girls
are shy.

2197
01:32:21,636 --> 01:32:22,196
Moshe: Yes.

2198
01:32:22,300 --> 01:32:23,784
Leah: Yeah, absolutely.

2199
01:32:25,684 --> 01:32:26,188
All right.

2200
01:32:26,236 --> 01:32:29,316
We have, my daughter came in like a while ago
and said, mom, food.

2201
01:32:29,380 --> 01:32:30,676
So we can wrap it up.

2202
01:32:30,700 --> 01:32:33,420
But we would love to do another one of these

2203
01:32:33,452 --> 01:32:33,900
sometime.

2204
01:32:33,972 --> 01:32:37,064
Moshe: We would absolutely love to, but thanks
for listening today.

2205
01:32:37,364 --> 01:32:39,180
Well, that's our show for today.

2206
01:32:39,332 --> 01:32:41,644
Now, you know, one autistic just a little bit

2207
01:32:41,684 --> 01:32:42,264
better.

2208
01:32:42,734 --> 01:32:46,134
So something you may not know about some

2209
01:32:46,174 --> 01:32:50,594
autistics is that we often struggle with
ending social interactions.

2210
01:32:51,014 --> 01:32:52,634
So, Leah.

2211
01:32:53,454 --> 01:32:54,478
Leah: All right, Moshe.

2212
01:32:54,526 --> 01:32:55,854
I'll take care of it.

2213
01:32:56,014 --> 01:32:58,902
Thank you for listening to now, you know, one
autistic.

2214
01:32:58,958 --> 01:32:59,734
See you next week.