Now You Know One Autistic! Podcast
Episode Title: Neurodiverse Love: Adam & Becca's Journey to Connection
Episode Number: 14
Release Date: June 24, 2024
Duration: 01:32:59
Episode Summary:
In this episode of Now You Know One Autistic, Moshe and Leah interview Adam and Becca, a neurodiverse couple raising a neurotypical child. They discuss the challenges and joys of navigating a neurodiverse relationship, including communication differences, sensory sensitivities, and perfectionism. The conversation also touches on the importance of understanding and accommodating each other's needs, as well as the impact of societal expectations and biases.
Key Takeaways:
- Neurodiversity in Relationships: Neurodiverse couples face unique challenges due to differences in communication styles, sensory processing, and emotional regulation. Open communication, understanding, and accommodation are crucial for a successful relationship.
- Parenting with Neurodiversity: Raising children in a neurodiverse family requires additional strategies and adjustments. Parents need to be aware of their own needs and limitations while providing a supportive and enriching environment for their children.
- Societal Expectations and Biases: Neurodiverse individuals often face societal misunderstandings and biases. It's important to challenge these stereotypes and advocate for greater acceptance and understanding of neurodiversity.
In This Episode, You Will Learn:
- How neurodiverse couples can navigate communication differences and sensory sensitivities.
- Strategies for parenting in a neurodiverse family.
- The importance of challenging societal expectations and biases surrounding neurodiversity.
Quotes:
- "When you throw in something like neurodivergence, where bandwidth is not the same, I mean, you have to make adjustments and, you know, come up with strategies, find ways to hack this to where, you know, a neurodivergent partner doesn't end up drowning." - Adam
- "The only thing that has appeared to keep you moving forward is the constant sense of terror." - Adam (referring to Moshe's perfectionism)
- "I think that there are people that are trying to, like, sell things to neurodivergents, telling them it works. And, you know, what they really need is people who are professionals who deal with this more often." - Becca
Resources & Links:
- Study Show on TikTok: Adam and Becca's TikTok account
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Transcript:
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Moshe: Hi, I'm Moshe, and I'm autistic.
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Leah: I'm Leah, and I'm boring.
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Welcome to the now, you know, one autistic
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podcast.
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Moshe: The opinions expressed in this podcast
reflect one autistic and one layout and don't
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necessarily reflect the entire autistic
community.
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Leah: Let's get to it.
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Moshe: Hi. How are you?
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Leah: I'm all right.
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How are you?
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Moshe: I'm great.
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Leah: Awesome.
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So we have some special guests today.
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Do you want to introduce them?
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Moshe: Sure. So, as we mentioned last week, we
have Adam and Becca here with, I guess, your
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account on TikTok study show.
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But I mean, why introduce them when they can
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introduce themselves?
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Leah: Absolutely.
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Adam: Why don't you go first?
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Becca: What?
Why me?
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Adam: Oh, I'm just.
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I don't know.
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I'm just.
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I guess I'm being polite.
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Go ahead, please.
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Becca: I'm Becca and.
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Moshe: Hi, Becca.
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Becca: Hi. I don't really know what else to.
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Leah: Say, like, where you're from.
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Becca: Oh, yeah.
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Adam: I like long walks on the beach.
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Becca: But I don't like that.
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It's too hard.
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Leah: You have a really cool podcast.
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I start listening to it a little bit.
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Becca: Yes. I really like plants and poisons
and how the human body works and biology.
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Yeah.
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But, yeah, it's a strange interest, I guess,
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but it's something I've always loved.
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I have my own garden.
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Not of poisons, though.
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Not with a dog and a child around.
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You know, I don't play with fire like that,
so.
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But I do enjoy talking about them and
researching them and that kind of thing, so.
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But I'm also a writer, and I like to include
those kinds of things, too, but I kind of make
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up my own, so it's like fantasy.
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And so I have some of my own made up poisons
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that I include in my.
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In my stories and just kind of the research
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helps, so, yeah, it's fun to do that.
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Adam: She's just about to finish her first
book.
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Becca: Yeah. Yeah, it is kind of finished.
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It's just with the.
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I'm trying to remind myself that it doesn't
have to be perfect before I send it out
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because of.
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Because that's what the editors are for.
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But it's really hard for me to show it to
anybody without it being perfect.
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But then again, I'm never gonna know if it is
perfect unless I do that, so.
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That's annoying.
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But, yeah, I like writing.
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Adam: Yeah.
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Leah: Perfection is a topic we're going to
talk about today, actually, as we get to it.
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Hopefully.
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Moshe: This is a really exciting episode for
us because we've been trying to get in touch
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with Adam and Becca for a bit, or.
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I mean, I thought I was, but I'm not so good
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with the consistency.
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Anyway, I'm really, really glad that you guys
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are on and very special episode.
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Leah: So, Adam, tell us a bit about you.
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What do you do?
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Adam: Yeah, so I'm Adam, just turned 40.
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I'm been married to Becca for.
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Is it twelve years now?
We got married in 2012.
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Becca: You're gonna make me do math?
Yeah.
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Twelve and a half.
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Adam: Right.
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I am a physical therapist by trade.
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I do home healthcare.
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Becca is also a registered nurse.
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She's also a certified teacher.
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She's quite accomplished.
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Becca: She's not using either of those right
now.
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Adam: Right.
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She's a professional stay at home mom at the
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moment.
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But.
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So we.
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I'm born and raised here in Augusta, Georgia,
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just like my wife is.
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Matter of fact, we're both born and raised and
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still live in our hometown.
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Leah: I am amazing.
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Adam: I'm a massive baseball fan.
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I played baseball up into college, and I'm
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still a massive fan today.
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A bit of a gamer.
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Becca: You're really good at this, right?
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Adam: Well, I'm extroverted and neurotypical
also, so this is all very much right up my
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alley.
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I am neurotypical, and my wife Rebecca, is
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neurodivergent.
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So that's.
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That's one of the reasons that Masha and Leah
reached out to us, because we are.
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We are also a neuro mixed couple, and we also
have a child.
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And that is a whole.
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That's a whole ball of wax.
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Becca: Also, my middle name is.
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Well, we pronounced it over here as Leah.
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But, yeah, it's kind of funny.
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It's spelled the same way.
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Leah: My hebrew name is Leah, but I won't tell
you my north american name because I don't use
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it anymore.
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But that dovetails perfectly into what I was
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going to say, which is our listeners know what
we're about.
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But the reason why we reached out to Adam and
Becca specifically is because they're a
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neurodiverse couple with a child, but they're
essentially a mirror of us.
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So the male counterpart in their marriage is
neurotypical.
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The female counterpart in their marriage is
neurodivergent.
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And they have, I believe Moshe told me, a
neurotypical child.
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As far as you know?
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Becca: Well, yeah, she's actually being
screened soon for possible ADHD, though,
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because her teachers have some concerns and,
you know, she has a really hard time focusing.
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She's also incredibly picky, and she just.
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She has this thing where she runs back and
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forth constantly.
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It is.
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And I've asked her why she does it, like,
because she basically paces and she's like,
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what makes me feel good.
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And I'm like, Kip's gonna store that
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information for later.
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But she's.
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Leah: Yeah, yeah.
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Becca: And she's.
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She's.
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She's incredibly smart, but I think her, like,
she's in the gifted program at school for
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math, but she has a really hard time staying
focused, and so we're trying to.
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I'm trying to get that figured out before she
gets to a place where it's so much harder.
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Adam: Yeah.
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Becca: So. Because I just don't want to be
unsupervised.
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Yeah.
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Leah: Without him or ten year old.
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I don't know, around two, two and a half, we
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started seeing things, and we actually
struggled with that a lot because he.
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I don't know, he's really cute and he's really
personable, and he has these big blue green
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eyes, and he just looks right at you and he
smiles and hugs people.
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And the experts, I think, still think that
somebody with neurodivergence has to be
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staring at a wall and, like, drooling.
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I hope that's not offensive, but, yeah.
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And they kept telling us that there was
nothing wrong with him, and I kept saying, he
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can't sit still.
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He can't keep his clothes on.
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He wears long sleeves in the summer, and he
wears short sleeves in the winter and using
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foods every day, and he picks up something
squishy off the floor and he vomits.
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This doesn't seem normal to me.
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Becca: Yeah.
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Leah: So that was part of our experience.
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But we were lucky enough because he's a boy.
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He got a diagnosis at four and a half, but
he's still not fully diagnosed.
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He's definitely ADHD.
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They won't screen for that before seven or
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seven and a half.
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These now ten circumstances have led us to
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move around the world a lot.
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So we're just looking at that now.
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Moshe: Yes, actually.
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Becca: Yeah. Yeah. And I had a hard time
growing up.
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Cause my mom would get phone calls home about
how I wouldn't sit right and how I was always
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talking at, like, inappropriate times or
couldn't sit still and all these other things.
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And there's just a certain, I think,
expectation.
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And I've always had trouble with eye contact
and social stuff, but it was always for being
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a girl and being verbal.
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They just thought, like, oh, she's just shy.
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But then once I got to middle and high school,
it became increasingly overwhelming.
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And I think I was diagnosed with.
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Eventually diagnosed with panic disorder
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because I would just.
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What was happening was I was having basically
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meltdowns at school and I didn't know what
Rosha two was.
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Yeah, so they called it that.
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Leah: ROSHA two until this day, he's on
medications that he doesn't need because they
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prescribed them when he was a teenager and his
physical body is addicted to them, but he
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doesn't actually need them.
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Moshe: Yeah, I mean, it's really great to
share experiences.
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The first time I saw a doctor was when I was
16, because I would go through bouts of just
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uncontrollably crying all the time.
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And they didn't really know why.
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And I had started a new school.
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My parents got divorced when I was around
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four.
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And I went out to live with my dad when I was
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about 16.
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And they put me in a brand new school.
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And it was a school that was built for about
1500 people, but it held about 3000.
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So the first day that I was there, there was
just these massive crowds of people coming at
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me and I panicked.
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And I spent a lot of time at the guidance
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counselor's office.
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And they thought, well, you know, he's just
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adjusting.
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It's a new environment, it's a new school.
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It's just a lot of people.
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Maybe there's just like an acclimatization
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period.
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And then when I couldn't acclimatize, they
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decided that they were going to have me
checked.
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And this was in 97.
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This was in 97, the year he.
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Leah: Chose to be away from me.
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Kelsa Priest yes.
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Moshe: So in 97, a bona fide doctor told me,
well, you know, if his problem is that he's
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panicking, then we have to do something about
that.
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So they put me on anti anxieties and
antipsychotics and just never got better.
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Adam: She had the same course.
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Leah: He was properly diagnosed by a
psychiatrist in Canada who said, no, you don't
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need any of these.
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You need a stimulant.
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Which he took.
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And it instantly cleared up a lot of the
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anxiety and panic and inability to think and
inability to function.
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But nobody's willing to touch the other mets
because they're like 20 years deep.
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And he'd have to go to sort of a special
program or whatever.
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Moshe: For me, it was really a okay.
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So one of the things that I do want to talk
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about is we encounter, or I encountered much
like a lot of adult diagnosed autistics
227
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encountered the question about why does it
matter?
228
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And that's what they told me.
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00:10:23,928 --> 00:10:25,432
They said, well, you know, you're an adult and
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you have a job and you have a child and you
have a wife.
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What does it matter if you get, like, a label?
What does a label do for you?
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And I said, it actually does everything
because it sort of justifies my entire life.
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I was weird.
234
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I was quirky.
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I would get up in the middle of class and walk
around.
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I went through a phase in grade four where I
would throw my books out the window just to
237
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see what would happen.
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I was very much attached to various objects,
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00:10:53,926 --> 00:11:00,588
and people didn't make eye contact, didn't
talk, didn't really know how to face very
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well.
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00:11:01,332 --> 00:11:05,260
Leah: So, I mean, I did see on one of your
tiktoks, people asking you multiple times,
242
00:11:05,292 --> 00:11:08,540
well, how did you not know that Becca was
neurodivergent when you married her?
243
00:11:08,652 --> 00:11:12,404
And the thing is, like, when he's medicated,
look at him.
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00:11:12,484 --> 00:11:15,020
Could you tell you he's neurodivergent just by
looking at him?
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00:11:15,092 --> 00:11:15,756
Moshe: I mean, not really.
246
00:11:15,780 --> 00:11:21,532
Leah: I understood right away, and I'm still
confused because I've known Moshe since we
247
00:11:21,548 --> 00:11:23,672
were seven, and I've always been.
248
00:11:23,768 --> 00:11:25,472
The word I like to use is a bubble walker.
249
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Right.
250
00:11:25,752 --> 00:11:28,256
So you know how neurodivergent people have
251
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really tight bubbles that they don't let
people into?
252
00:11:31,224 --> 00:11:32,024
I've never seen.
253
00:11:32,064 --> 00:11:34,224
He's always made contact, eye contact with me.
254
00:11:34,264 --> 00:11:35,056
He's always hugged me.
255
00:11:35,080 --> 00:11:35,936
He's always touched me.
256
00:11:35,960 --> 00:11:37,632
He's always talked to me.
257
00:11:37,768 --> 00:11:38,776
Adam: Oh, right.
258
00:11:38,840 --> 00:11:40,680
Leah: That was a bit shocking for me too.
259
00:11:40,752 --> 00:11:41,784
And our son as well.
260
00:11:41,824 --> 00:11:44,232
They both had a discussion today, actually,
that shocked me.
261
00:11:44,248 --> 00:11:46,648
And they were like, can I have a hug?
Can I have a hug?
262
00:11:46,696 --> 00:11:50,482
I don't like being hugged without, you know,
you telling me beforehand.
263
00:11:50,498 --> 00:11:52,586
And I said, neither of you ever said that to
me.
264
00:11:52,730 --> 00:11:54,834
So it's kind of shocked sometimes.
265
00:11:54,874 --> 00:11:58,410
Moshe: Still, my son just sort of walked into
the room and said, can I have a hug?
266
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And I said, you just.
267
00:11:59,386 --> 00:12:02,578
You need to give me, like, 30 seconds to just
268
00:12:02,746 --> 00:12:04,050
prepare myself.
269
00:12:04,242 --> 00:12:04,618
Adam: Yes.
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Moshe: And then I was all set.
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Yes.
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Becca: Mine just sits on me.
273
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Leah: But that conversation was completely
shocking to me because I was like, neither of
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00:12:13,658 --> 00:12:15,390
you cares when I just jump on you.
275
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And they're like, I don't know, whatever.
276
00:12:17,254 --> 00:12:17,870
Moshe: That's so funny.
277
00:12:17,902 --> 00:12:18,750
Leah: Everybody else, though.
278
00:12:18,822 --> 00:12:20,886
No, yeah, yeah.
279
00:12:20,910 --> 00:12:22,518
Adam: That's the golden question, actually.
280
00:12:22,566 --> 00:12:23,550
Leah: Let's talk.
281
00:12:23,742 --> 00:12:25,294
Yeah, it is, isn't it?
282
00:12:25,414 --> 00:12:27,446
Yeah, let's talk about touch, actually.
283
00:12:27,510 --> 00:12:30,502
So I had some, like, mom comparisons that I
284
00:12:30,518 --> 00:12:34,726
wanted to talk about, and touch fatigue is a
thing that I suffer from being, I guess,
285
00:12:34,750 --> 00:12:36,830
neurotypical, or the very least, neurospicy.
286
00:12:36,862 --> 00:12:39,126
I don't have any diagnoses, but I'm surrounded
287
00:12:39,150 --> 00:12:41,350
by neurodivergent people always.
288
00:12:41,422 --> 00:12:43,110
It's kind of a question that I have for
289
00:12:43,142 --> 00:12:43,834
myself.
290
00:12:44,014 --> 00:12:45,890
Yeah, I suffer from that.
291
00:12:45,922 --> 00:12:49,474
I have two children, and they always want to,
as you said, sit on me, touch me.
292
00:12:49,514 --> 00:12:51,938
Mommy, mommy, come and help me with this.
293
00:12:51,986 --> 00:12:53,178
Come and do with that.
294
00:12:53,346 --> 00:12:54,730
I have trouble dealing with that.
295
00:12:54,762 --> 00:12:56,694
So. How do you deal with that, Becca?
296
00:12:57,074 --> 00:13:05,642
Becca: Oh, well, I don't think it's as bad now
as it used to be, because she, especially when
297
00:13:05,658 --> 00:13:07,802
she was younger, she always just wanted me.
298
00:13:07,978 --> 00:13:10,554
She just felt close, and she was very clingy
299
00:13:10,594 --> 00:13:11,414
with me.
300
00:13:11,964 --> 00:13:14,772
And strangely enough, anytime someone else
301
00:13:14,788 --> 00:13:17,532
tried to give her a hug, she was like, no, no.
302
00:13:17,628 --> 00:13:18,220
I'm like, why?
303
00:13:18,252 --> 00:13:19,980
Why?
You gotta do it with me all the time.
304
00:13:20,132 --> 00:13:21,276
But she.
305
00:13:21,460 --> 00:13:25,604
I would literally come upstairs and get in my
306
00:13:25,644 --> 00:13:29,772
room and close the door when he got home just
to get a good hour to myself.
307
00:13:29,828 --> 00:13:34,588
And that was always hard because I always also
felt guilty because she would be upset that I
308
00:13:34,676 --> 00:13:35,700
would go upstairs.
309
00:13:35,772 --> 00:13:39,292
And so it's like I trade off, you know, the
310
00:13:39,348 --> 00:13:41,732
fatigue for mom guilt now, and.
311
00:13:41,788 --> 00:13:42,292
Adam: Exactly.
312
00:13:42,348 --> 00:13:42,668
Becca: It's.
313
00:13:42,716 --> 00:13:46,716
Adam: And she's just, when she goes upstairs
like this, she has to have that.
314
00:13:46,740 --> 00:13:47,948
Becca: I just sit in a dark room.
315
00:13:48,036 --> 00:13:48,508
Adam: That's right.
316
00:13:48,556 --> 00:13:49,004
Becca: Sometimes.
317
00:13:49,044 --> 00:13:52,820
Adam: Or she has to have that low sensory
input, you know, breathing alone, time to
318
00:13:52,852 --> 00:13:53,396
recharge.
319
00:13:53,460 --> 00:13:55,644
Becca: I don't like bright lights or anything
like that.
320
00:13:55,724 --> 00:14:04,024
And Camilla is like, these days, she'll still
come and sit on me, but then she'll kind of
321
00:14:04,854 --> 00:14:09,998
recognize that it's, like, a bit much, and
she'll slide off because she's a good 50
322
00:14:10,046 --> 00:14:13,454
pounds now, so she's heavy, but she still
likes to be carried everywhere.
323
00:14:13,534 --> 00:14:14,354
And she.
324
00:14:14,654 --> 00:14:16,834
I've had to learn to.
325
00:14:17,134 --> 00:14:23,294
And this has given me some mom guilt as well,
but I've had to learn, like, when she is upset
326
00:14:23,374 --> 00:14:29,094
or she is just sort of dealing with something,
she will let me.
327
00:14:29,134 --> 00:14:31,250
She'll say something like, well, you know what
I need?
328
00:14:31,382 --> 00:14:35,514
And that's code for I need a hug, because she
doesn't like to ask just for a hug.
329
00:14:35,554 --> 00:14:39,298
And I'm, oh, yeah, okay, so, you know, so I
immediately will go and give her a hug,
330
00:14:39,346 --> 00:14:40,694
because I do want to.
331
00:14:41,154 --> 00:14:44,290
Yeah, I do want to show her affection and be
332
00:14:44,322 --> 00:14:50,666
there for her, but sometimes it's not on my
radar when she needs that, because sometimes
333
00:14:50,730 --> 00:14:51,698
another, I.
334
00:14:51,706 --> 00:14:54,914
Leah: Saw another one of your tiktoks where
Adam was actually defending you and saying,
335
00:14:54,954 --> 00:14:56,810
mommy gives hugs all the time.
336
00:14:57,002 --> 00:14:59,754
Are you getting a lot of people saying the
337
00:14:59,794 --> 00:15:02,010
opposite or negative things about your
mothering?
338
00:15:02,082 --> 00:15:04,546
Because that, to me, is unacceptable.
339
00:15:04,730 --> 00:15:05,810
Becca: Yeah, here and there.
340
00:15:05,842 --> 00:15:08,506
Like, I feel like I have to make sure people
341
00:15:08,570 --> 00:15:14,698
know that I don't neglect my child because for
some reason, people see, like, a 60, you know,
342
00:15:14,746 --> 00:15:18,906
second video and they immediately have all
these assumptions of, well, she must never,
343
00:15:18,970 --> 00:15:20,706
like, oh, her poor child.
344
00:15:20,770 --> 00:15:22,722
She must never give her affection or, you
345
00:15:22,738 --> 00:15:24,014
know, her poor husband.
346
00:15:24,194 --> 00:15:25,774
Like, she hates you.
347
00:15:25,934 --> 00:15:27,194
She hates you, bro.
348
00:15:27,854 --> 00:15:28,998
He gets that one a lot.
349
00:15:29,046 --> 00:15:30,434
And part of it, too, is.
350
00:15:31,414 --> 00:15:31,790
Yeah.
351
00:15:31,822 --> 00:15:34,022
And part of it's the touching, but part of
it's also my.
352
00:15:34,078 --> 00:15:36,198
My facial expressions are pretty.
353
00:15:36,366 --> 00:15:38,558
Leah: Yeah, just, I was gonna say motion.
354
00:15:38,606 --> 00:15:39,726
I instantly got that.
355
00:15:39,750 --> 00:15:41,206
You're just not facing.
356
00:15:41,390 --> 00:15:41,710
Right.
357
00:15:41,742 --> 00:15:42,158
Becca: Like, I don't.
358
00:15:42,206 --> 00:15:43,350
Leah: Doesn't sometimes either.
359
00:15:43,422 --> 00:15:45,182
Yeah, he looks at me sometimes because I have
360
00:15:45,198 --> 00:15:46,390
to unmask sometime.
361
00:15:46,462 --> 00:15:47,078
Like, I just.
362
00:15:47,126 --> 00:15:49,182
I can't be facing the time.
363
00:15:49,278 --> 00:15:49,780
Moshe: Right.
364
00:15:49,902 --> 00:15:55,096
Becca: Yeah. And I think it's harder when you
have kids because something has to give when
365
00:15:55,120 --> 00:16:00,032
you're already putting forth this other energy
to parent.
366
00:16:00,088 --> 00:16:01,944
And, like, I know one.
367
00:16:02,024 --> 00:16:03,768
We have one child, and I think that's.
368
00:16:03,896 --> 00:16:07,284
I've realized pretty quickly that was my limit
because I can't.
369
00:16:07,784 --> 00:16:08,920
It's really hard to.
370
00:16:08,992 --> 00:16:13,324
And she's a very high energy child as well, so
371
00:16:13,864 --> 00:16:17,536
trying to meet all her needs, I couldn't
imagine, like, trying to split that between
372
00:16:17,720 --> 00:16:18,912
her and another child.
373
00:16:19,008 --> 00:16:21,930
Adam: It's extremely difficult to raise
children.
374
00:16:22,112 --> 00:16:28,438
All things being equal, it will require the
best that you have for the entirety of your
375
00:16:28,486 --> 00:16:29,074
life.
376
00:16:29,374 --> 00:16:33,534
Leah: It's the hardest job you'll ever love,
is what one of my parents used to say to me,
377
00:16:33,574 --> 00:16:33,894
actually.
378
00:16:33,974 --> 00:16:34,638
Adam: That's it.
379
00:16:34,766 --> 00:16:36,166
So when you throw in something like
380
00:16:36,190 --> 00:16:43,694
neurodivergence, where bandwidth is not the
same, I mean, you have to make adjustments
381
00:16:43,814 --> 00:16:50,192
and, you know, come up with strategies, find
ways to hack this to where, you know, a
382
00:16:50,208 --> 00:16:52,984
neurodivergent partner doesn't end up
drowning.
383
00:16:53,144 --> 00:16:57,804
Becca: Yeah. She's much more extroverted than
I am as well, so I try to make sure she has
384
00:16:58,264 --> 00:17:03,352
playdates and stuff, and then I usually need
about a day to recover from that because.
385
00:17:03,448 --> 00:17:05,496
Leah: Because you have to talk to the parents
and stuff.
386
00:17:05,560 --> 00:17:05,784
Becca: Right.
387
00:17:05,824 --> 00:17:06,248
Leah: It's just.
388
00:17:06,296 --> 00:17:07,880
Becca: Yeah, that and, like, the other.
389
00:17:07,952 --> 00:17:10,256
Having the other kid over or whatever, like,
390
00:17:10,280 --> 00:17:10,832
it's.
391
00:17:10,968 --> 00:17:13,216
It's basically having two eight year olds that
392
00:17:13,240 --> 00:17:18,056
are screaming and, you know, it just becomes a
sensory overload situation.
393
00:17:18,160 --> 00:17:18,608
And it's.
394
00:17:18,656 --> 00:17:20,408
I'm trying to make sure they have fun because
395
00:17:20,456 --> 00:17:23,702
they're kids, you know, and I always remind
myself, they're kids, you know, they're not
396
00:17:23,718 --> 00:17:25,214
going to have this time.
397
00:17:25,374 --> 00:17:26,870
Let them be kids now, because when they grow
398
00:17:26,902 --> 00:17:29,926
up, they're going to have to do all this other
stuff, so I want to make sure that they're
399
00:17:29,950 --> 00:17:30,534
having fun.
400
00:17:30,614 --> 00:17:32,606
And of course, it's summer break now, so it's
401
00:17:32,630 --> 00:17:33,110
like my.
402
00:17:33,182 --> 00:17:35,326
The routine that I did have, which I try to
403
00:17:35,350 --> 00:17:37,846
keep a nice routine because it just feels
safe.
404
00:17:37,910 --> 00:17:40,278
But, you know, all these things that.
405
00:17:40,326 --> 00:17:41,470
There's all these things that change
406
00:17:41,542 --> 00:17:44,014
throughout the year, like, oh, summer break,
kids home all day now.
407
00:17:44,054 --> 00:17:46,318
So guess what?
Your routines out the window.
408
00:17:46,406 --> 00:17:49,006
Leah: So, yeah, Moshe struggles with that,
too.
409
00:17:49,030 --> 00:17:50,878
We've had to put certain rules in place.
410
00:17:50,926 --> 00:17:52,886
The neighbor kids were coming over all the
411
00:17:52,910 --> 00:17:58,582
time, and there's four of them, and they range
in age from five to, like, how old is the
412
00:17:58,598 --> 00:17:59,714
oldest?
1213.
413
00:18:00,174 --> 00:18:03,966
And he eventually had to say, you can't come
over during this time, this time, this time,
414
00:18:03,990 --> 00:18:04,846
and this time.
415
00:18:04,990 --> 00:18:07,606
And our children can go to you, but you can't
416
00:18:07,630 --> 00:18:09,354
be here because it's just too much.
417
00:18:09,654 --> 00:18:10,158
Moshe: Right.
418
00:18:10,246 --> 00:18:12,062
Leah: So we understand that one for sure.
419
00:18:12,118 --> 00:18:14,006
I like that you brought up mom guilt back.
420
00:18:14,070 --> 00:18:15,158
I didn't put that anywhere.
421
00:18:15,206 --> 00:18:16,598
And I kind of feel dumb for not.
422
00:18:16,646 --> 00:18:19,674
Because it's totally a thing that I suffer
from as well.
423
00:18:20,444 --> 00:18:24,972
I think that this is more of a male versus
female thing rather than a neurodivergent
424
00:18:24,988 --> 00:18:25,116
thing.
425
00:18:25,140 --> 00:18:26,612
But Moshe never gets that.
426
00:18:26,708 --> 00:18:30,388
When I tell him, I feel so bad that I didn't
do the bubble or I'm such a bad mom, because.
427
00:18:30,436 --> 00:18:33,372
What are you talking about?
You're the best mom in the world.
428
00:18:33,428 --> 00:18:35,140
But I think that's more of a guy thing.
429
00:18:35,212 --> 00:18:35,756
Right.
430
00:18:35,900 --> 00:18:37,300
Moshe: It's more of an autism thing.
431
00:18:37,332 --> 00:18:38,744
It's more of a guy thing.
432
00:18:39,084 --> 00:18:42,892
I don't understand things that I think are
not.
433
00:18:42,948 --> 00:18:44,144
They don't make sense.
434
00:18:44,524 --> 00:18:48,460
Emotions are difficult sometimes, knowing
435
00:18:48,492 --> 00:18:51,300
which one I should be feeling and which
circumstance.
436
00:18:51,412 --> 00:18:51,820
Leah: Yeah.
437
00:18:51,892 --> 00:18:56,796
Adam: Yes. And convincing everybody else that
you're actually feeling the proper emotion at
438
00:18:56,820 --> 00:18:57,908
the right degree.
439
00:18:58,076 --> 00:19:01,812
Becca: Yeah. And I have a hard time with my
own emotions and with.
440
00:19:01,948 --> 00:19:06,204
I have a hard time figuring when someone's
joking or being serious sometimes.
441
00:19:06,244 --> 00:19:08,684
Like, but I can use sarcasm all the time.
442
00:19:08,764 --> 00:19:10,900
Of course people think I'm being serious, too,
443
00:19:10,932 --> 00:19:13,940
but when other people do it, I do have a hard
time figuring that out.
444
00:19:13,972 --> 00:19:21,498
But with, like, with Camilla, for some reason,
like, when she cries, just that it ruins me,
445
00:19:21,506 --> 00:19:24,186
and I'm like, oh, what did I do?
Even though it wasn't my fault, may not even
446
00:19:24,210 --> 00:19:26,334
be my fault, but I'm immediately guilty.
447
00:19:26,674 --> 00:19:27,490
What have I done?
448
00:19:27,562 --> 00:19:28,346
It's like, I don't.
449
00:19:28,410 --> 00:19:30,666
And that's very new to me because before
450
00:19:30,730 --> 00:19:32,930
having children, I never really understood.
451
00:19:33,122 --> 00:19:34,498
I never wanted to hold babies.
452
00:19:34,586 --> 00:19:35,162
I never really.
453
00:19:35,218 --> 00:19:36,538
Everybody was like, here, hold my baby.
454
00:19:36,586 --> 00:19:39,106
I'm like, no, please, I'm not into that.
455
00:19:39,290 --> 00:19:40,730
But, you know, when it comes to your own
456
00:19:40,762 --> 00:19:47,042
child, for some reason, it's like, yeah,
everything's either great or guilty.
457
00:19:47,138 --> 00:19:49,914
Like, I mean, you know, it's like there's no
in between some.
458
00:19:49,954 --> 00:19:53,482
Adam: And I'm over here witnessing the sheer
amount of effort she's putting forward as a
459
00:19:53,498 --> 00:19:53,794
mom.
460
00:19:53,874 --> 00:19:57,618
She's extremely attentive, extremely careful
461
00:19:57,706 --> 00:19:59,354
and creative.
462
00:19:59,434 --> 00:20:04,602
And she, she puts her own sensory input at
463
00:20:04,658 --> 00:20:10,266
risk many times by simply providing a rich
childhood for our daughter.
464
00:20:10,330 --> 00:20:14,626
Becca: But I've also had these rage moments,
though, where it's like the sensory overload
465
00:20:14,770 --> 00:20:16,186
hits a certain point.
466
00:20:16,290 --> 00:20:18,762
And I've not been always able to recognize
467
00:20:18,818 --> 00:20:20,106
when I'm at my limit.
468
00:20:20,290 --> 00:20:22,226
And there have been times where I've had to,
469
00:20:22,250 --> 00:20:26,226
like, go outside and scream and sorry for my
neighbors, but, like, or just, you know, do
470
00:20:26,290 --> 00:20:30,574
something that gets out whatever is built up
so I can carry on.
471
00:20:30,994 --> 00:20:34,786
And it's in those moments I feel like, what is
wrong with me?
472
00:20:34,850 --> 00:20:39,090
Because I know so many people who have, like,
and, you know, of course now I understand, but
473
00:20:39,242 --> 00:20:42,722
there's so many, like, people who have three
or four kids and they're just like, this is
474
00:20:42,738 --> 00:20:43,850
the time of our life.
475
00:20:43,962 --> 00:20:47,250
And it's like, why can't I just do the thing?
476
00:20:47,322 --> 00:20:52,410
Adam: I have two older sisters that have 13
children between the two of them.
477
00:20:52,442 --> 00:20:53,690
Leah: Oh, my goodness.
478
00:20:53,802 --> 00:20:54,362
Adam: And they both.
479
00:20:54,418 --> 00:20:55,218
Leah: Congratulations.
480
00:20:55,266 --> 00:20:57,914
But also, oh, my goodness, I would die.
481
00:20:58,074 --> 00:21:02,778
Adam: The both of them have a set of twins, so
they are just.
482
00:21:02,866 --> 00:21:06,410
I've been drowning in kids since I was 17
years old.
483
00:21:06,602 --> 00:21:12,946
And so when we had our child and that massive
reduction of bandwidth brought all of her
484
00:21:12,970 --> 00:21:18,168
neurodivergent traits boiling to the top,
like, really hardcore for the first time, I
485
00:21:18,176 --> 00:21:22,248
was like, it's what, you know, my initial
reaction was, it's just one kid.
486
00:21:22,296 --> 00:21:24,704
Like, what's going on?
I had no idea.
487
00:21:24,824 --> 00:21:27,248
Becca: You know, we were also moving at that
time.
488
00:21:27,416 --> 00:21:34,584
We were, and that was a nightmare because
moving requires a lot of change and saying
489
00:21:34,624 --> 00:21:37,376
goodbye to places, not even people.
490
00:21:37,440 --> 00:21:38,736
We didn't move that far.
491
00:21:38,920 --> 00:21:44,840
It was just like, you know, the whole change
of scenery and like, what if this happens?
492
00:21:44,872 --> 00:21:47,966
What if, you know, it's just my whole
coordination.
493
00:21:48,070 --> 00:21:50,430
Leah: What if you lose one of your favorite
things?
494
00:21:50,502 --> 00:21:52,198
Like, I understand that too.
495
00:21:52,246 --> 00:21:52,950
Yeah, absolutely.
496
00:21:52,982 --> 00:21:53,358
Becca: Yeah.
497
00:21:53,446 --> 00:21:53,998
Adam: Say nothing.
498
00:21:54,046 --> 00:21:55,566
Say nothing, please move on.
499
00:21:55,710 --> 00:21:57,422
Becca: Anyway, he knows.
500
00:21:57,438 --> 00:21:58,886
Leah: What, did I predict something?
501
00:21:59,070 --> 00:21:59,954
Becca: He knows.
502
00:22:00,774 --> 00:22:02,994
Leah: Does it show I'm married to and you're
diverted.
503
00:22:03,294 --> 00:22:09,278
Adam: She's referencing an event that occurred
that may or may not have been my doing.
504
00:22:09,446 --> 00:22:13,414
Becca: Well, because he's very, like, he
doesn't get the importance of certain things.
505
00:22:13,494 --> 00:22:20,216
And so, therefore, if it's not important to
him, like it is to me, then he's just kind of
506
00:22:20,240 --> 00:22:21,056
aloof with it.
507
00:22:21,120 --> 00:22:23,760
And that really, that, like, to me, I'm like,
508
00:22:23,792 --> 00:22:25,424
how could you do that?
What is wrong with you?
509
00:22:25,464 --> 00:22:26,484
You know?
Like.
510
00:22:27,104 --> 00:22:28,768
And to him, it's like, what are you talking.
511
00:22:28,816 --> 00:22:29,368
It's fine.
512
00:22:29,416 --> 00:22:32,784
It's one thing, but for me, it's a nightmare.
513
00:22:32,864 --> 00:22:39,320
Adam: On top of being an extroverted, big
family, neurotypical, I also grew up in
514
00:22:39,352 --> 00:22:40,694
fundamentalist religion.
515
00:22:40,824 --> 00:22:44,554
That taught me to be cruel, to be quite
516
00:22:44,594 --> 00:22:50,082
honest, which is why I got out and that
cruelty was still hanging around.
517
00:22:50,178 --> 00:22:54,786
Becca: Well, I wouldn't say it's not so much
cruelty as it is just this whole negligence,
518
00:22:54,890 --> 00:22:55,434
maybe.
519
00:22:55,554 --> 00:22:56,522
Adam: Yeah, it's like this.
520
00:22:56,618 --> 00:22:57,994
Becca: Maybe some superiority.
521
00:22:58,074 --> 00:23:00,106
Like, I have this knowledge that you don't.
522
00:23:00,170 --> 00:23:04,474
Adam: And, yeah, it was like a disregard for
her experience as a person.
523
00:23:04,594 --> 00:23:08,074
Becca: Well, this particular group also not.
524
00:23:08,114 --> 00:23:09,586
Well, not all of them were like this, but
525
00:23:09,610 --> 00:23:12,722
there was this big taboo on any kind of mental
health.
526
00:23:12,778 --> 00:23:14,090
Like, anxiety is not a real thing.
527
00:23:14,122 --> 00:23:15,074
You just need to pray more.
528
00:23:15,114 --> 00:23:17,106
And I, you know, we actually.
529
00:23:17,170 --> 00:23:19,330
We met in church, so, like, this was a very
530
00:23:19,402 --> 00:23:20,610
strange place for me.
531
00:23:20,682 --> 00:23:23,330
And I was like, I thought there was something
532
00:23:23,402 --> 00:23:25,266
wrong with me the whole time I was there.
533
00:23:25,410 --> 00:23:27,186
I don't even know how I ended up there, to be
534
00:23:27,210 --> 00:23:27,814
honest.
535
00:23:28,274 --> 00:23:28,826
It was.
536
00:23:28,890 --> 00:23:30,330
And I. They don't.
537
00:23:30,402 --> 00:23:32,714
They didn't like questions, and I ended up,
538
00:23:32,754 --> 00:23:38,194
like, not making many friends because I am a
question person in our religion.
539
00:23:38,234 --> 00:23:40,506
Leah: It's actually funny because we're stoic.
540
00:23:40,610 --> 00:23:43,314
We're stiff upper lip for our people because
541
00:23:43,354 --> 00:23:46,242
everyone's like, oh, my goodness, my stomach
is falling apart.
542
00:23:46,298 --> 00:23:51,370
And they ask all kinds of questions and is
this one coming with the whatever?
543
00:23:51,442 --> 00:23:53,674
So we're actually quite stiff upper lip for
our religion.
544
00:23:53,714 --> 00:23:55,066
So that's interesting.
545
00:23:55,210 --> 00:23:56,010
Becca: Yeah, here it's.
546
00:23:56,082 --> 00:23:58,522
Well, with this particular denomination at
547
00:23:58,538 --> 00:24:02,764
least, like, there's so many, but, like, it
was.
548
00:24:02,844 --> 00:24:08,676
Just be quiet, listen, and if you have any
problems, like anxiety or depression, then
549
00:24:08,700 --> 00:24:11,860
maybe you have sin in your life and you need
to do that.
550
00:24:11,972 --> 00:24:15,316
It's a very guilt and punishment ridden sort
of system.
551
00:24:15,420 --> 00:24:18,372
Adam: You're never going to find the support
you actually need as a neurodivergent person
552
00:24:18,428 --> 00:24:20,252
in that culture, so.
553
00:24:20,308 --> 00:24:23,292
Becca: And I was definitely done with it
before he was, but then when he was done with
554
00:24:23,308 --> 00:24:24,464
it, I was like, yes.
555
00:24:25,604 --> 00:24:27,516
Because I knew I didn't belong there.
556
00:24:27,700 --> 00:24:28,276
Yeah.
557
00:24:28,380 --> 00:24:29,044
Adam: Yeah.
558
00:24:29,204 --> 00:24:30,220
Leah: So I understand.
559
00:24:30,372 --> 00:24:31,548
Wow, that's interesting.
560
00:24:31,596 --> 00:24:32,748
That's an interesting tidbit.
561
00:24:32,796 --> 00:24:34,384
Do you have anything to say, honey?
562
00:24:35,284 --> 00:24:36,864
Just kind of sitting here.
563
00:24:37,204 --> 00:24:44,624
Moshe: I'm just so fascinated just to hear the
different perspectives about what's going on.
564
00:24:45,004 --> 00:24:48,144
Leah: All right, so next on the agenda,
getting it all done.
565
00:24:48,684 --> 00:24:52,140
And how does one deal when their bucket is
empty?
566
00:24:52,172 --> 00:24:56,196
So let's describe what we mean by bucket,
because I also understood 100% what you were
567
00:24:56,220 --> 00:24:58,142
talking about when you said that.
568
00:24:58,308 --> 00:25:01,242
So an emotional bucket or a resource bucket or
569
00:25:01,298 --> 00:25:07,426
a friendliness bucket is sort of an imaginary,
you know, vessel that we fill up each day with
570
00:25:07,450 --> 00:25:11,214
doing things for ourselves and empty each day,
but doing things for other people.
571
00:25:11,794 --> 00:25:14,946
When your bucket is almost empty, how do you
deal with that?
572
00:25:15,130 --> 00:25:20,290
Oh, an empty bucket, it causes me to cry and
sort of flop on motion.
573
00:25:20,362 --> 00:25:21,722
I can't do this anymore.
574
00:25:21,858 --> 00:25:24,826
Becca: I don't think I have a full bucket
ever.
575
00:25:25,010 --> 00:25:25,794
I can't remember.
576
00:25:25,874 --> 00:25:28,458
I cannot remember a day of ever having a full
577
00:25:28,506 --> 00:25:28,938
bucket.
578
00:25:28,986 --> 00:25:29,658
Even as a child.
579
00:25:29,706 --> 00:25:32,202
I was actually a very anxious kid.
580
00:25:32,378 --> 00:25:38,266
And, like, I wake up maybe with maybe at best,
581
00:25:38,370 --> 00:25:39,266
half full.
582
00:25:39,410 --> 00:25:41,146
I don't sleep well either, though.
583
00:25:41,330 --> 00:25:42,282
I just don't.
584
00:25:42,418 --> 00:25:43,290
I've never been a good sleeper.
585
00:25:43,322 --> 00:25:44,494
My mom isn't either.
586
00:25:44,914 --> 00:25:47,578
And there's some questioning of whether she
587
00:25:47,626 --> 00:25:52,018
also is nerdy, but, you know, and she's always
like, no, no, I was just told I was shy,
588
00:25:52,146 --> 00:25:56,912
which, you know, here especially, you can
clearly see.
589
00:25:56,968 --> 00:25:59,776
Leah: The genetic lines sometimes.
590
00:25:59,960 --> 00:26:03,784
Becca: Yeah. And she here, too, like, in the
south where we live.
591
00:26:03,824 --> 00:26:04,616
Like, it's.
592
00:26:04,760 --> 00:26:06,160
It's like this everywhere, pretty much.
593
00:26:06,192 --> 00:26:10,928
But here, it just feels like it's more taboo
to talk about anything to do with autism or
594
00:26:11,096 --> 00:26:15,432
ADHD or, like, because if you mention ADHD or
you think your child might have it, it's like,
595
00:26:15,448 --> 00:26:17,256
no, they just need to go outside and run more.
596
00:26:17,360 --> 00:26:19,104
Like, you know, it's immediately defensive.
597
00:26:19,184 --> 00:26:23,016
Like, how dare you bring that up?
And so especially with that particular, like,
598
00:26:23,080 --> 00:26:27,694
generation of people like, that my mom belongs
to, it's like, no, there's nothing wrong with
599
00:26:27,734 --> 00:26:27,934
you.
600
00:26:27,974 --> 00:26:30,670
You're just lazy or you're just this or that.
601
00:26:30,862 --> 00:26:31,462
But for.
602
00:26:31,518 --> 00:26:34,806
Yeah, like, so when my bucket is pretty empty,
603
00:26:34,870 --> 00:26:38,606
like, I used to feel bad because I thought I
was just lazy.
604
00:26:38,670 --> 00:26:40,086
Like, why am I not.
605
00:26:40,270 --> 00:26:42,134
Why can I not do these things that other
606
00:26:42,174 --> 00:26:44,198
people can do?
And I think that's.
607
00:26:44,326 --> 00:26:51,438
I end up getting burned out really easily a
lot more before now, because now I understand,
608
00:26:51,566 --> 00:26:57,136
like, that I have to set more reasonable goals
and more attainable goals throughout the day.
609
00:26:57,200 --> 00:27:02,192
But, yeah, I, in the mornings, I try to.
610
00:27:02,368 --> 00:27:05,232
I try to balance my day out by having, like,
611
00:27:05,288 --> 00:27:06,592
some time for myself here and there.
612
00:27:06,608 --> 00:27:07,872
It doesn't always work out that way.
613
00:27:07,928 --> 00:27:13,048
And usually, if something goes wrong, the rest
of the day is like, well, I give up.
614
00:27:13,096 --> 00:27:13,464
That's it.
615
00:27:13,504 --> 00:27:13,752
You know?
616
00:27:13,768 --> 00:27:14,080
Like, it's.
617
00:27:14,112 --> 00:27:16,968
It's really hard for me to get back on top of.
618
00:27:17,136 --> 00:27:18,368
On top of that.
619
00:27:18,536 --> 00:27:24,600
Adam: But when she reaches her limit, I
actually try to consciously step in and give
620
00:27:24,632 --> 00:27:26,120
our daughter what she needs.
621
00:27:26,312 --> 00:27:28,280
Basically, just make enough room where Becca
622
00:27:28,312 --> 00:27:35,360
can steal away and be by herself if at all
possible, because now I understand what her
623
00:27:35,392 --> 00:27:41,848
brain is doing and what it actually needs or
not doing, or not doing what her brain
624
00:27:41,896 --> 00:27:42,392
actually.
625
00:27:42,528 --> 00:27:44,416
What her brain actually needs to recharge and
626
00:27:44,440 --> 00:27:47,712
try to get something back in the bucket
because tomorrow's coming whether we like it
627
00:27:47,728 --> 00:27:48,096
or not.
628
00:27:48,160 --> 00:27:52,462
Becca: Yeah. And there's, like, if I've been
to, say, the grocery store, that is a whole
629
00:27:52,518 --> 00:27:54,806
job for me, and it feels like it shouldn't be.
630
00:27:54,830 --> 00:27:56,238
So, of course I feel guilty for that.
631
00:27:56,286 --> 00:28:00,086
Like, why do I have so much trouble just
going?
632
00:28:00,150 --> 00:28:04,438
Why am I so exhausted after grocery shopping?
Like, I literally can't do anything else the
633
00:28:04,446 --> 00:28:05,734
rest of the day if I do that.
634
00:28:05,774 --> 00:28:06,510
And it's.
635
00:28:06,662 --> 00:28:08,470
It's very frustrating, and.
636
00:28:08,582 --> 00:28:09,630
But I think that's.
637
00:28:09,662 --> 00:28:13,646
That's also the reason why I really had a hard
time with working.
638
00:28:13,790 --> 00:28:16,150
Like, I. I used to be a nurse.
639
00:28:16,222 --> 00:28:17,846
I mean, I still have my nursing license and
640
00:28:17,870 --> 00:28:23,068
all, but I still have nightmares about working
in the hospital and just trying to keep it
641
00:28:23,076 --> 00:28:23,436
together.
642
00:28:23,540 --> 00:28:25,852
I would have breakdowns in the bathrooms.
643
00:28:25,988 --> 00:28:26,636
I just couldn't.
644
00:28:26,660 --> 00:28:28,772
Like, it was such a high paced environment,
645
00:28:28,868 --> 00:28:32,796
and I felt guilty then not being able to keep
up and, like, why can't I?
646
00:28:32,820 --> 00:28:36,364
Because I would be there extra hours just
doing my documentation.
647
00:28:36,404 --> 00:28:37,764
Because that had to be perfect, too.
648
00:28:37,804 --> 00:28:39,076
I needed to make sure that everything was
649
00:28:39,100 --> 00:28:40,028
documented perfectly.
650
00:28:40,076 --> 00:28:41,476
I need to make sure that.
651
00:28:41,540 --> 00:28:42,956
And then, like, I would wake up the next day.
652
00:28:42,980 --> 00:28:44,508
Did I give that patient that water that he
653
00:28:44,516 --> 00:28:47,764
asked for?
It's not the biggest deal, but to me, it was,
654
00:28:47,804 --> 00:28:51,670
like, one more thing that I didn't do and I
couldn't do.
655
00:28:51,742 --> 00:28:56,550
And, you know, I would have, like, five
patients at a time, and it's just like, before
656
00:28:56,582 --> 00:28:57,030
the end of the.
657
00:28:57,062 --> 00:28:58,782
Before half of the night is gone, I'm in the
658
00:28:58,798 --> 00:29:03,206
bathroom crying and freaking out, and why
can't I do this like everybody else is doing?
659
00:29:03,350 --> 00:29:07,614
Adam: And it makes her brilliant at that job,
but at the cost of her own sanity.
660
00:29:07,734 --> 00:29:14,590
Like, because she is so good at attention to
detail and being careful and, you know,
661
00:29:14,622 --> 00:29:19,794
attentive to everything to do with a patient's
career, it absolutely exhausts her.
662
00:29:19,914 --> 00:29:22,738
So she's really good at the job, and it's not
sustainable.
663
00:29:22,786 --> 00:29:25,370
Cause she's only ever gonna be in the bathroom
having a meltdown.
664
00:29:25,442 --> 00:29:31,426
Becca: And I've learned, too, the hard way,
that there's not much appreciation in that
665
00:29:31,450 --> 00:29:31,802
field.
666
00:29:31,898 --> 00:29:34,114
So it's like, you can do everything perfectly,
667
00:29:34,154 --> 00:29:36,058
and people are still gonna be like, why didn't
you do this?
668
00:29:36,106 --> 00:29:39,962
Why didn't you do that?
And for me, it's like, yeah, I must not be
669
00:29:39,978 --> 00:29:41,098
doing my job correctly.
670
00:29:41,186 --> 00:29:42,138
It makes it even worse.
671
00:29:42,186 --> 00:29:46,214
And then for some reason, I thought maybe
being a teacher would be easier.
672
00:29:47,354 --> 00:29:52,754
And, you know, this is before I had a child,
but I always got along with children a little
673
00:29:52,794 --> 00:29:53,970
better than adults.
674
00:29:54,042 --> 00:29:56,338
Like, for some reason, I was able to sort of
675
00:29:56,466 --> 00:29:58,026
understand them better than I did.
676
00:29:58,050 --> 00:29:59,618
Adults, like, it's just much.
677
00:29:59,666 --> 00:30:00,066
They.
678
00:30:00,170 --> 00:30:01,162
I understand them better.
679
00:30:01,218 --> 00:30:05,466
You know, I still play video games and watch
cartoons and love stuffed animals, and we just
680
00:30:05,490 --> 00:30:06,930
vibe with each other better.
681
00:30:07,122 --> 00:30:10,362
But there, you know, when you're supposed to
682
00:30:10,378 --> 00:30:14,946
be managing about 20 of them in a classroom,
and you also have all these other jobs that
683
00:30:14,970 --> 00:30:16,570
you're supposed to get done at the same time.
684
00:30:16,682 --> 00:30:18,348
I think part of it is the multi task.
685
00:30:18,466 --> 00:30:24,296
I really have a hard time with multitasking,
even though I wish I was like, I want to be
686
00:30:24,320 --> 00:30:29,440
good at multitasking, but it's almost an
unattainable thing for me without losing my
687
00:30:29,472 --> 00:30:30,768
mind, because women are.
688
00:30:30,896 --> 00:30:32,720
Leah: Women are expected to multitask.
689
00:30:32,792 --> 00:30:34,816
Women are expected that their brain just works
690
00:30:34,840 --> 00:30:35,512
this way.
691
00:30:35,648 --> 00:30:38,912
And so I multitasker in our relationship.
692
00:30:39,048 --> 00:30:39,600
Yeah.
693
00:30:39,712 --> 00:30:41,640
And that, I think, just goes without saying.
694
00:30:41,672 --> 00:30:47,304
And also, I think there's this view that women
have to take care of men.
695
00:30:47,344 --> 00:30:51,576
So when Moshe needs my help, people don't
really look at us weirdly, because it's like,
696
00:30:51,600 --> 00:30:53,804
oh, well, the wife's taking care of
everything.
697
00:30:54,144 --> 00:30:58,720
The difficulty we have in our relationship is
actually kind of opposite to what you and Adam
698
00:30:58,752 --> 00:30:58,896
have.
699
00:30:58,920 --> 00:31:01,480
Or what it appears, anyway, is that I also
700
00:31:01,512 --> 00:31:02,320
have my own issues.
701
00:31:02,392 --> 00:31:04,192
I have an anxiety disorder.
702
00:31:04,248 --> 00:31:06,264
I have a bona fide panic disorder.
703
00:31:06,304 --> 00:31:09,368
So I also have, you know, half bucket.
704
00:31:09,416 --> 00:31:11,150
Sometimes I wake up with no bucket.
705
00:31:11,312 --> 00:31:14,014
And then who takes care of that?
706
00:31:14,394 --> 00:31:15,754
Adam: Yeah, that's right.
707
00:31:15,874 --> 00:31:16,394
Moshe: Me.
708
00:31:16,514 --> 00:31:17,322
Leah: Yeah, he does.
709
00:31:17,378 --> 00:31:17,906
Actually.
710
00:31:18,050 --> 00:31:19,154
He's a superhero.
711
00:31:19,194 --> 00:31:20,666
He can't, but he does.
712
00:31:20,810 --> 00:31:22,134
Moshe: Well, I had to.
713
00:31:23,434 --> 00:31:27,410
My experience was, unfortunately, it was not
714
00:31:27,442 --> 00:31:30,454
the most pleasant when I was about.
715
00:31:31,874 --> 00:31:35,854
Well, after the disastrous experience I had
716
00:31:37,014 --> 00:31:41,958
when I was 16, my father sent me back to stay
with my mother.
717
00:31:42,126 --> 00:31:46,238
And she really got sick of me after that.
718
00:31:46,366 --> 00:31:50,634
And then I was kicked out and living on my own
719
00:31:50,974 --> 00:31:52,394
when I was about 17.
720
00:31:53,014 --> 00:31:53,870
Wow.
721
00:31:54,062 --> 00:31:58,414
I'd never done anything on my own, really.
722
00:31:58,494 --> 00:32:00,766
I didn't know how to budget.
723
00:32:00,830 --> 00:32:07,284
I didn't know how to wash a dish or use a
broom or a mop or washing machine, and I just
724
00:32:07,324 --> 00:32:09,788
kind of had to figure it out on my own.
725
00:32:09,956 --> 00:32:15,556
So I had a lot of experience learning and a
726
00:32:15,580 --> 00:32:16,092
lot of.
727
00:32:16,188 --> 00:32:17,340
A lot of mistakes.
728
00:32:17,492 --> 00:32:19,172
Leah: He's the king of pushing through.
729
00:32:19,228 --> 00:32:21,068
So what we had to learn in our relationship
730
00:32:21,116 --> 00:32:25,716
was accommodating him while accommodating
everything else.
731
00:32:25,900 --> 00:32:27,036
Moshe: I mean, I tried to do it.
732
00:32:27,100 --> 00:32:29,140
Leah: We have a pretty severely neurodivergent
child.
733
00:32:29,172 --> 00:32:33,298
Like Avram is not as functional as a lot of
children.
734
00:32:33,346 --> 00:32:34,466
Maybe his age in terms of.
735
00:32:34,490 --> 00:32:37,002
He has trouble still with dressing and washing
736
00:32:37,058 --> 00:32:45,322
himself and wiping properly and keeping track
of things and feeding him all the things that
737
00:32:45,498 --> 00:32:47,586
ten year old would maybe do by now.
738
00:32:47,770 --> 00:32:50,634
So that's also huge on both of us.
739
00:32:50,674 --> 00:32:51,642
Moshe: He's very high needs.
740
00:32:51,738 --> 00:32:55,494
And I had never had any experience with autism
741
00:32:55,794 --> 00:32:59,108
until I, ironically, until I was diagnosed.
742
00:32:59,276 --> 00:33:03,664
So just a matter of me being slightly weird.
743
00:33:04,044 --> 00:33:10,356
All of my friends were doing older things and
I still wanted to play video games and stuff.
744
00:33:10,540 --> 00:33:12,144
I had the same.
745
00:33:12,484 --> 00:33:15,252
I had the same stuff bear that I had since I
746
00:33:15,268 --> 00:33:17,468
was born, until I was in my twenties.
747
00:33:17,636 --> 00:33:19,892
And then finally it just kind of disintegrated
748
00:33:19,948 --> 00:33:21,384
into dust one day.
749
00:33:23,324 --> 00:33:24,544
Adam: That's so sad.
750
00:33:24,964 --> 00:33:27,196
Leah: Yeah, we have that, you see, we have
squishmallows.
751
00:33:27,260 --> 00:33:28,684
Squishmallow, yes.
752
00:33:30,064 --> 00:33:31,320
Adam: We have, like, ten of those.
753
00:33:31,392 --> 00:33:33,992
Becca: I have my, they're wonderful.
754
00:33:34,088 --> 00:33:36,096
Moshe: Never go anywhere without a stuff now.
755
00:33:36,240 --> 00:33:38,056
So I didn't actually know what I was good at
756
00:33:38,120 --> 00:33:41,104
because I never knew what, what I was meant to
do.
757
00:33:41,224 --> 00:33:47,072
And I didn't really learn a lot of life
skills, so I just kind of went from job to job
758
00:33:47,248 --> 00:33:49,264
and, I mean, I got a lot of stories.
759
00:33:49,344 --> 00:33:52,124
I was really bad at pretty much all of them.
760
00:33:52,704 --> 00:33:57,710
I was a security guard overnight once, and I.
761
00:33:57,822 --> 00:34:02,246
That lasted about a week, mostly because I
762
00:34:02,270 --> 00:34:04,974
lost track of what I was supposed to do and I
forgot what I already did.
763
00:34:05,014 --> 00:34:09,470
So I just kind of sat down and tried to figure
out what to do.
764
00:34:09,502 --> 00:34:11,914
And then I woke up later and it didn't work
out.
765
00:34:17,134 --> 00:34:18,474
I worked in.
766
00:34:19,814 --> 00:34:22,664
I lived in eastern Canada for a while, and
767
00:34:22,744 --> 00:34:27,244
they had, they were, like, paying people to
get into.
768
00:34:27,784 --> 00:34:29,624
Get into fields that were in demand.
769
00:34:29,784 --> 00:34:33,604
And my options were sanitation, cooking, and
770
00:34:34,184 --> 00:34:35,456
nursing assistant.
771
00:34:35,600 --> 00:34:38,256
So I figured, well, how hard could it be?
772
00:34:38,280 --> 00:34:42,856
To be a nurse really turns out really, really
hard.
773
00:34:43,000 --> 00:34:43,392
Adam: Yes.
774
00:34:43,448 --> 00:34:49,940
Moshe: And I did that for quite a while and no
one, well, I mean, I was the only male in my
775
00:34:49,972 --> 00:34:56,308
entire class and they got a kick out of me,
they love me, but no one really wanted me to
776
00:34:56,396 --> 00:34:57,364
go near them.
777
00:34:57,524 --> 00:34:59,044
And I mean, he's a big guy.
778
00:34:59,084 --> 00:35:02,024
Leah: If you're a woman, you're not going to
want him to change.
779
00:35:03,604 --> 00:35:05,460
Moshe: I'm about 6ft.
780
00:35:05,492 --> 00:35:05,884
6ft.
781
00:35:05,924 --> 00:35:06,548
Yeah.
782
00:35:06,716 --> 00:35:07,324
Adam: Gotcha.
783
00:35:07,404 --> 00:35:10,052
Moshe: So they said, they said that they.
784
00:35:10,108 --> 00:35:12,212
They didn't find me warm, they didn't find me
785
00:35:12,228 --> 00:35:12,564
friendly.
786
00:35:12,604 --> 00:35:16,200
Leah: Well, I mean, they clearly haven't met
you, dear.
787
00:35:16,352 --> 00:35:21,344
Becca: Oh, well, see, I got called little girl
a lot and when I was in, I would be in my
788
00:35:21,384 --> 00:35:24,560
twenties and they were like, oh, you did a
good job, little girl, or half pint.
789
00:35:24,712 --> 00:35:32,792
And because I was always, I've always like,
looked and acted younger than my age and so I
790
00:35:32,808 --> 00:35:33,128
always.
791
00:35:33,216 --> 00:35:34,856
It was really hard to get taken seriously
792
00:35:34,920 --> 00:35:35,764
whatsoever.
793
00:35:36,144 --> 00:35:38,872
Even now, I still have a hard time taking me
794
00:35:38,888 --> 00:35:39,240
seriously.
795
00:35:39,272 --> 00:35:41,312
Leah: People are not politically correct in
the south.
796
00:35:41,368 --> 00:35:46,700
I've been to Atlanta actually once for four
days for a job and it was the longest four
797
00:35:46,732 --> 00:35:47,212
days of my life.
798
00:35:47,228 --> 00:35:49,700
We were both born and brought up in Canada,
799
00:35:49,852 --> 00:35:51,988
the land of the very, very politically
correct.
800
00:35:52,036 --> 00:35:54,944
So it was a culture shock for me, so I can
only imagine.
801
00:35:55,564 --> 00:35:57,580
Becca: Yeah, honestly, we've talked about it.
802
00:35:57,692 --> 00:35:59,384
Moshe: We lived in the west.
803
00:36:00,044 --> 00:36:02,372
Leah: The west is horrible for your political
correctness.
804
00:36:02,428 --> 00:36:02,884
Terrible.
805
00:36:02,964 --> 00:36:05,444
Moshe: Yes. I have no filter when I talk.
806
00:36:05,604 --> 00:36:09,004
So I would regularly get my son's teacher.
807
00:36:09,124 --> 00:36:10,864
Becca: Yeah, regularly.
808
00:36:11,194 --> 00:36:13,626
Moshe: We've had our teachers cry once.
809
00:36:13,690 --> 00:36:15,978
Leah: You made everybody in the room cry.
810
00:36:16,026 --> 00:36:18,706
So we went in and our son decided that he
811
00:36:18,730 --> 00:36:23,106
didn't want to carry it that year because they
were pulling him away from things he wanted to
812
00:36:23,130 --> 00:36:27,210
do and fun things and doing like, puzzles and
stupidities with him where he's.
813
00:36:27,282 --> 00:36:30,298
He's in this weird situation where he has no
intellectual delay.
814
00:36:30,346 --> 00:36:35,850
He's very smart, so he can learn if it's
structured properly, but he has issues with
815
00:36:35,882 --> 00:36:39,840
keeping track of what he's doing, which is why
he still needs so much help with things.
816
00:36:40,032 --> 00:36:41,640
And he didn't want to care aid that year.
817
00:36:41,672 --> 00:36:43,592
And I said, motion, maybe we should just do
818
00:36:43,608 --> 00:36:44,200
the care aid.
819
00:36:44,232 --> 00:36:46,008
They're bugging us to do the funding again.
820
00:36:46,056 --> 00:36:49,884
Canada just throws money for funding if you
have a diagnosis.
821
00:36:50,584 --> 00:36:53,240
And he said, no, he doesn't want it.
822
00:36:53,272 --> 00:36:55,416
So we went in and they sat us down and they
823
00:36:55,440 --> 00:36:56,536
did the whole thing that they always do.
824
00:36:56,560 --> 00:36:59,528
Okay, mister and misses our last name.
825
00:36:59,696 --> 00:37:01,200
And this and this.
826
00:37:01,232 --> 00:37:02,112
We noticed this and this.
827
00:37:02,128 --> 00:37:02,856
With Avram and that.
828
00:37:02,880 --> 00:37:04,188
And that with Avram.
829
00:37:04,376 --> 00:37:06,316
And I was, like, nodding and doing my.
830
00:37:06,340 --> 00:37:06,652
Usually.
831
00:37:06,708 --> 00:37:08,636
Okay, I've done this before.
832
00:37:08,780 --> 00:37:09,548
I understand.
833
00:37:09,676 --> 00:37:14,212
Because when I walk into any meeting at the
school, there's usually a boardroom full of
834
00:37:14,228 --> 00:37:14,428
people.
835
00:37:14,476 --> 00:37:14,724
Moshe: There's.
836
00:37:14,764 --> 00:37:15,772
It's actually kind of fun.
837
00:37:15,828 --> 00:37:18,140
Leah: The psychiatrist and a psychiatrist for
the psychiatrist.
838
00:37:18,172 --> 00:37:18,980
And a social worker.
839
00:37:19,012 --> 00:37:20,956
And a social worker for the social worker.
840
00:37:21,100 --> 00:37:24,036
And then there's the teacher and the teacher
teachers and the other teachers.
841
00:37:24,060 --> 00:37:25,684
Anyway, you know what I'm talking.
842
00:37:25,764 --> 00:37:27,388
Or you can picture it anyway.
843
00:37:27,556 --> 00:37:27,996
Adam: Yeah.
844
00:37:28,060 --> 00:37:29,116
Leah: And I'm used to it.
845
00:37:29,140 --> 00:37:30,924
I'm just nodding and going, okay, okay.
846
00:37:30,964 --> 00:37:33,384
And she goes, no, not this time.
847
00:37:33,684 --> 00:37:35,276
And they looked at him and they said, excuse
848
00:37:35,300 --> 00:37:35,956
me, sir.
849
00:37:36,100 --> 00:37:39,316
And he says, listen, my son is autistic, and
850
00:37:39,340 --> 00:37:39,956
I'm autistic.
851
00:37:39,980 --> 00:37:41,164
And he dropped the r bomb.
852
00:37:41,204 --> 00:37:47,092
He said, and we're not the r word, and this is
Canada we're talking about.
853
00:37:47,148 --> 00:37:48,028
Moshe: I made her cry.
854
00:37:48,116 --> 00:37:48,572
Leah: Literally.
855
00:37:48,628 --> 00:37:50,460
Two of the teachers immediately burst into
856
00:37:50,492 --> 00:37:50,804
tears.
857
00:37:50,884 --> 00:37:52,428
You can't say that word.
858
00:37:52,476 --> 00:37:52,820
That's not.
859
00:37:52,852 --> 00:37:55,116
He goes, it's my word, and I'm gonna say it.
860
00:37:55,180 --> 00:37:55,524
Becca: Really?
861
00:37:55,604 --> 00:37:57,984
Leah: You can't force him to have a carried.
862
00:37:58,644 --> 00:38:00,828
Moshe: I grew up being called that my whole
life.
863
00:38:00,916 --> 00:38:01,180
Leah: Yeah.
864
00:38:01,212 --> 00:38:01,476
Adam: Yeah.
865
00:38:01,540 --> 00:38:03,864
Moshe: So, of course, I just got used to it.
866
00:38:04,444 --> 00:38:06,636
Leah: I don't approve of it, but, I mean, it
is his word.
867
00:38:06,660 --> 00:38:08,684
He could take it back, I guess, if he wants
to.
868
00:38:08,844 --> 00:38:09,508
Becca: Yeah.
869
00:38:09,636 --> 00:38:11,824
Adam: I understand his sentiment in that
moment.
870
00:38:12,164 --> 00:38:12,868
Becca: Well, it was.
871
00:38:12,916 --> 00:38:15,780
It was a word for a long time that was used
872
00:38:15,852 --> 00:38:18,908
for medical stuff, mental medical stuff.
873
00:38:18,956 --> 00:38:21,812
And then it turned around, and my mom still
874
00:38:21,868 --> 00:38:24,508
uses it, but she doesn't use it in an
offensive way.
875
00:38:24,556 --> 00:38:27,904
She's just like, oh, that's, you know, our
word.
876
00:38:27,944 --> 00:38:29,384
And it's just like, well.
877
00:38:29,544 --> 00:38:30,400
And I'm just like, oh.
878
00:38:30,432 --> 00:38:33,168
And I was just like, okay, mom, just don't say
that in public because I don't want people,
879
00:38:33,216 --> 00:38:34,624
like, coming after you or whatever.
880
00:38:34,704 --> 00:38:36,536
Because, you know, she doesn't mean it in such
881
00:38:36,560 --> 00:38:36,960
a way.
882
00:38:37,032 --> 00:38:39,456
But the way it's, you know, the way it is now,
883
00:38:39,480 --> 00:38:40,920
it is, I guess, considered offensive.
884
00:38:40,992 --> 00:38:42,624
But see, I wouldn't have cried about that,
885
00:38:42,664 --> 00:38:42,840
though.
886
00:38:42,872 --> 00:38:43,608
That would have been like.
887
00:38:43,696 --> 00:38:45,080
In fact, I might have laughed about that.
888
00:38:45,152 --> 00:38:50,000
Leah: Two, the carried and the teacher both
burst into tears and said, you can't say that
889
00:38:50,032 --> 00:38:50,848
to us.
890
00:38:51,016 --> 00:38:53,432
And the moral of the story is, that year, he
891
00:38:53,448 --> 00:38:56,274
didn't end up with a care aid and they didn't
get their funding.
892
00:38:56,464 --> 00:39:00,862
Becca: Yeah. See, that bothers me, though,
because it's like, I should be able to say no.
893
00:39:00,958 --> 00:39:03,198
Like, that sounds like you just don't want me
to say no to you.
894
00:39:03,246 --> 00:39:05,806
And that really bothers me because I, the.
895
00:39:05,830 --> 00:39:07,742
One of the biggest pet peeves I have is when
896
00:39:07,758 --> 00:39:13,110
people try to take any control away from me
because I've had so little of it.
897
00:39:13,182 --> 00:39:17,246
I feel like for myself that when it's, when
someone tries to take it from me, it's.
898
00:39:17,350 --> 00:39:20,714
That is the most offensive thing, I think, for
me.
899
00:39:21,134 --> 00:39:26,492
Moshe: And it's an interesting experience to
go in as almost like a gorilla, autistic.
900
00:39:26,598 --> 00:39:30,832
So they're trying to talk to me about what
autism is and, well, you know, this and that
901
00:39:30,848 --> 00:39:36,632
and the other thing and, oh, you know, these,
they do this and they do that and this is how
902
00:39:36,648 --> 00:39:37,400
they usually act.
903
00:39:37,432 --> 00:39:39,000
And I'm like, I know how we act.
904
00:39:39,112 --> 00:39:41,320
Don't tell me how I'm supposed to act.
905
00:39:41,352 --> 00:39:42,528
I know how I'm supposed to act.
906
00:39:42,616 --> 00:39:42,936
Adam: Yes.
907
00:39:43,000 --> 00:39:46,016
Leah: And they're like, excuse me, sir, you're
also autistic.
908
00:39:46,040 --> 00:39:49,832
And he's like, okay, so let's all sit down and
we're going to start to talk about.
909
00:39:49,928 --> 00:39:51,928
Moshe: That's when they usually say, can I
just talk to your wife?
910
00:39:51,976 --> 00:39:52,152
Leah: Yeah.
911
00:39:52,168 --> 00:39:54,504
Moshe: And then eventually, here's a toy.
912
00:39:54,544 --> 00:39:55,648
Why don't you go play with it?
913
00:39:55,736 --> 00:39:58,782
Leah: Can we just talk to your wife?
And that's when he stops getting the texts and
914
00:39:58,798 --> 00:40:00,286
the emails and the calls.
915
00:40:00,310 --> 00:40:04,694
Becca: And yes, I used to just be called
Adam's wife whenever we were out and about.
916
00:40:04,734 --> 00:40:07,014
And that really bothered the **** out of me.
917
00:40:07,054 --> 00:40:08,830
And I was like, my name, if you don't know my
918
00:40:08,862 --> 00:40:10,646
name, you should not come up and talk to me.
919
00:40:10,790 --> 00:40:13,374
And he's really outgoing.
920
00:40:13,534 --> 00:40:13,870
Yeah.
921
00:40:13,902 --> 00:40:15,246
And I'm probably forward.
922
00:40:15,350 --> 00:40:15,614
Leah: Right.
923
00:40:15,654 --> 00:40:18,406
Becca: And you're sort of just there and so.
924
00:40:18,430 --> 00:40:19,794
But they would come up to just.
925
00:40:21,854 --> 00:40:27,308
Yeah, and, well, there was a bit of,
especially when we, when we were going to this
926
00:40:27,356 --> 00:40:31,700
church, like, he was this big time, like, you
know, music pastor.
927
00:40:31,812 --> 00:40:33,524
So he had a fan club.
928
00:40:33,684 --> 00:40:35,196
Adam: I helped start the church.
929
00:40:35,300 --> 00:40:36,384
I was a leader.
930
00:40:36,684 --> 00:40:40,876
I was basically performing the job of a paid
staff member and all that fun stuff.
931
00:40:40,900 --> 00:40:43,660
Becca: And I told him a long time ago, like,
look, I'm not part of your fan club.
932
00:40:43,732 --> 00:40:51,426
So because I'm not very, you know, I don't buy
into that, like, ego stuff and whatever and,
933
00:40:51,450 --> 00:40:54,026
like, because I just think it's, I think it's
stupid.
934
00:40:54,210 --> 00:41:01,634
But, yeah, I know I caused quite a few issues
with, with people in that, that environment.
935
00:41:01,754 --> 00:41:10,194
And even with, like, his family, I'm not
exactly the good child in the family, but,
936
00:41:10,354 --> 00:41:12,770
yeah, it's a strain.
937
00:41:12,962 --> 00:41:14,594
But at the same time, like, I don't understand
938
00:41:14,674 --> 00:41:15,394
them either.
939
00:41:15,514 --> 00:41:17,642
I have a really hard time understanding why,
940
00:41:17,698 --> 00:41:22,054
like, his family is very much like, they get
together for every single holiday.
941
00:41:22,394 --> 00:41:24,048
They do all these special things.
942
00:41:24,096 --> 00:41:25,488
And I'm like, why?
943
00:41:25,656 --> 00:41:27,840
Why do you do that?
Why do we have to do that every time?
944
00:41:27,872 --> 00:41:29,696
Why do you have to have a birthday party every
single month?
945
00:41:29,720 --> 00:41:30,240
Why do we do.
946
00:41:30,272 --> 00:41:31,536
Why are we doing this?
947
00:41:31,680 --> 00:41:35,552
Because, like, I grew up in a household where
it was like, yeah, it doesn't, it doesn't make
948
00:41:35,568 --> 00:41:36,444
any sense.
949
00:41:38,304 --> 00:41:43,232
Leah: I'm the only daughter of a single mom,
too, and I get it.
950
00:41:43,288 --> 00:41:47,552
I really do, because I have .0 family.
951
00:41:47,648 --> 00:41:50,310
But we are members of, you know, our
952
00:41:50,342 --> 00:41:53,982
synagogue, and we're expected to be, because
he's a pretty prominent member.
953
00:41:54,038 --> 00:41:54,822
Men are.
Version: 20241125