Now You Know One Autistic! Podcast
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Moshe: Hi, I'm Moshe, and I'm autistic.
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Leah: I'm Leah, and I'm boring.
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Welcome to the now, you know, one autistic
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podcast.
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Moshe: The opinions expressed in this podcast
reflect one autistic and one layout and don't
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necessarily reflect the entire autistic
community.
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Leah: Let's get to it.
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Moshe: Hi. How are you?
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Leah: I'm all right.
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How are you?
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Moshe: I'm great.
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Leah: Awesome.
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So we have some special guests today.
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Do you want to introduce them?
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Moshe: Sure. So, as we mentioned last week, we
have Adam and Becca here with, I guess, your
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account on TikTok study show.
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But I mean, why introduce them when they can
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introduce themselves?
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Leah: Absolutely.
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Adam: Why don't you go first?
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Becca: What?
Why me?
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Adam: Oh, I'm just.
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I don't know.
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I'm just.
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I guess I'm being polite.
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Go ahead, please.
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Becca: I'm Becca and.
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Moshe: Hi, Becca.
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Becca: Hi. I don't really know what else to.
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Leah: Say, like, where you're from.
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Becca: Oh, yeah.
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Adam: I like long walks on the beach.
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Becca: But I don't like that.
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It's too hard.
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Leah: You have a really cool podcast.
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I start listening to it a little bit.
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Becca: Yes. I really like plants and poisons
and how the human body works and biology.
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Yeah.
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But, yeah, it's a strange interest, I guess,
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but it's something I've always loved.
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I have my own garden.
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Not of poisons, though.
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Not with a dog and a child around.
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You know, I don't play with fire like that,
so.
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But I do enjoy talking about them and
researching them and that kind of thing, so.
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But I'm also a writer, and I like to include
those kinds of things, too, but I kind of make
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up my own, so it's like fantasy.
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And so I have some of my own made up poisons
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that I include in my.
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In my stories and just kind of the research
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helps, so, yeah, it's fun to do that.
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Adam: She's just about to finish her first
book.
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Becca: Yeah. Yeah, it is kind of finished.
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It's just with the.
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I'm trying to remind myself that it doesn't
have to be perfect before I send it out
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because of.
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Because that's what the editors are for.
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But it's really hard for me to show it to
anybody without it being perfect.
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But then again, I'm never gonna know if it is
perfect unless I do that, so.
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That's annoying.
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But, yeah, I like writing.
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Adam: Yeah.
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Leah: Perfection is a topic we're going to
talk about today, actually, as we get to it.
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Hopefully.
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Moshe: This is a really exciting episode for
us because we've been trying to get in touch
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with Adam and Becca for a bit, or.
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I mean, I thought I was, but I'm not so good
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with the consistency.
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Anyway, I'm really, really glad that you guys
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are on and very special episode.
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Leah: So, Adam, tell us a bit about you.
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What do you do?
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Adam: Yeah, so I'm Adam, just turned 40.
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I'm been married to Becca for.
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Is it twelve years now?
We got married in 2012.
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Becca: You're gonna make me do math?
Yeah.
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Twelve and a half.
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Adam: Right.
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I am a physical therapist by trade.
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I do home healthcare.
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Becca is also a registered nurse.
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She's also a certified teacher.
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She's quite accomplished.
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Becca: She's not using either of those right
now.
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Adam: Right.
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She's a professional stay at home mom at the
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moment.
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But.
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So we.
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I'm born and raised here in Augusta, Georgia,
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just like my wife is.
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Matter of fact, we're both born and raised and
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still live in our hometown.
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Leah: I am amazing.
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Adam: I'm a massive baseball fan.
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I played baseball up into college, and I'm
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still a massive fan today.
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A bit of a gamer.
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Becca: You're really good at this, right?
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Adam: Well, I'm extroverted and neurotypical
also, so this is all very much right up my
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alley.
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I am neurotypical, and my wife Rebecca, is
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neurodivergent.
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So that's.
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That's one of the reasons that Masha and Leah
reached out to us, because we are.
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We are also a neuro mixed couple, and we also
have a child.
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And that is a whole.
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That's a whole ball of wax.
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Becca: Also, my middle name is.
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Well, we pronounced it over here as Leah.
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But, yeah, it's kind of funny.
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It's spelled the same way.
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Leah: My hebrew name is Leah, but I won't tell
you my north american name because I don't use
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it anymore.
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But that dovetails perfectly into what I was
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going to say, which is our listeners know what
we're about.
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But the reason why we reached out to Adam and
Becca specifically is because they're a
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neurodiverse couple with a child, but they're
essentially a mirror of us.
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So the male counterpart in their marriage is
neurotypical.
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The female counterpart in their marriage is
neurodivergent.
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And they have, I believe Moshe told me, a
neurotypical child.
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As far as you know?
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Becca: Well, yeah, she's actually being
screened soon for possible ADHD, though,
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because her teachers have some concerns and,
you know, she has a really hard time focusing.
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She's also incredibly picky, and she just.
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She has this thing where she runs back and
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forth constantly.
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It is.
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And I've asked her why she does it, like,
because she basically paces and she's like,
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what makes me feel good.
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And I'm like, Kip's gonna store that
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information for later.
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But she's.
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Leah: Yeah, yeah.
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Becca: And she's.
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She's.
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She's incredibly smart, but I think her, like,
she's in the gifted program at school for
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math, but she has a really hard time staying
focused, and so we're trying to.
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I'm trying to get that figured out before she
gets to a place where it's so much harder.
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Adam: Yeah.
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Becca: So. Because I just don't want to be
unsupervised.
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Yeah.
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Leah: Without him or ten year old.
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I don't know, around two, two and a half, we
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started seeing things, and we actually
struggled with that a lot because he.
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I don't know, he's really cute and he's really
personable, and he has these big blue green
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eyes, and he just looks right at you and he
smiles and hugs people.
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And the experts, I think, still think that
somebody with neurodivergence has to be
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staring at a wall and, like, drooling.
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I hope that's not offensive, but, yeah.
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And they kept telling us that there was
nothing wrong with him, and I kept saying, he
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can't sit still.
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He can't keep his clothes on.
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He wears long sleeves in the summer, and he
wears short sleeves in the winter and using
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foods every day, and he picks up something
squishy off the floor and he vomits.
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This doesn't seem normal to me.
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Becca: Yeah.
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Leah: So that was part of our experience.
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But we were lucky enough because he's a boy.
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He got a diagnosis at four and a half, but
he's still not fully diagnosed.
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He's definitely ADHD.
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They won't screen for that before seven or
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seven and a half.
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These now ten circumstances have led us to
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move around the world a lot.
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So we're just looking at that now.
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Moshe: Yes, actually.
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Becca: Yeah. Yeah. And I had a hard time
growing up.
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Cause my mom would get phone calls home about
how I wouldn't sit right and how I was always
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talking at, like, inappropriate times or
couldn't sit still and all these other things.
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And there's just a certain, I think,
expectation.
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And I've always had trouble with eye contact
and social stuff, but it was always for being
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a girl and being verbal.
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They just thought, like, oh, she's just shy.
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But then once I got to middle and high school,
it became increasingly overwhelming.
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And I think I was diagnosed with.
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Eventually diagnosed with panic disorder
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because I would just.
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What was happening was I was having basically
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meltdowns at school and I didn't know what
Rosha two was.
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Yeah, so they called it that.
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Leah: ROSHA two until this day, he's on
medications that he doesn't need because they
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prescribed them when he was a teenager and his
physical body is addicted to them, but he
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doesn't actually need them.
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Moshe: Yeah, I mean, it's really great to
share experiences.
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The first time I saw a doctor was when I was
16, because I would go through bouts of just
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uncontrollably crying all the time.
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And they didn't really know why.
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And I had started a new school.
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My parents got divorced when I was around
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four.
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And I went out to live with my dad when I was
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about 16.
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And they put me in a brand new school.
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And it was a school that was built for about
1500 people, but it held about 3000.
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So the first day that I was there, there was
just these massive crowds of people coming at
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me and I panicked.
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And I spent a lot of time at the guidance
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counselor's office.
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And they thought, well, you know, he's just
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adjusting.
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It's a new environment, it's a new school.
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It's just a lot of people.
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Maybe there's just like an acclimatization
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period.
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And then when I couldn't acclimatize, they
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decided that they were going to have me
checked.
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And this was in 97.
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This was in 97, the year he.
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Leah: Chose to be away from me.
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Kelsa Priest yes.
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Moshe: So in 97, a bona fide doctor told me,
well, you know, if his problem is that he's
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panicking, then we have to do something about
that.
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So they put me on anti anxieties and
antipsychotics and just never got better.
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Adam: She had the same course.
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Leah: He was properly diagnosed by a
psychiatrist in Canada who said, no, you don't
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need any of these.
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You need a stimulant.
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Which he took.
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And it instantly cleared up a lot of the
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anxiety and panic and inability to think and
inability to function.
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But nobody's willing to touch the other mets
because they're like 20 years deep.
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And he'd have to go to sort of a special
program or whatever.
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Moshe: For me, it was really a okay.
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So one of the things that I do want to talk
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about is we encounter, or I encountered much
like a lot of adult diagnosed autistics
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encountered the question about why does it
matter?
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And that's what they told me.
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They said, well, you know, you're an adult and
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you have a job and you have a child and you
have a wife.
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What does it matter if you get, like, a label?
What does a label do for you?
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And I said, it actually does everything
because it sort of justifies my entire life.
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I was weird.
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I was quirky.
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I would get up in the middle of class and walk
around.
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I went through a phase in grade four where I
would throw my books out the window just to
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see what would happen.
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I was very much attached to various objects,
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and people didn't make eye contact, didn't
talk, didn't really know how to face very
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well.
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Leah: So, I mean, I did see on one of your
tiktoks, people asking you multiple times,
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well, how did you not know that Becca was
neurodivergent when you married her?
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And the thing is, like, when he's medicated,
look at him.
244
00:11:12,484 --> 00:11:15,020
Could you tell you he's neurodivergent just by
looking at him?
245
00:11:15,092 --> 00:11:15,756
Moshe: I mean, not really.
246
00:11:15,780 --> 00:11:21,532
Leah: I understood right away, and I'm still
confused because I've known Moshe since we
247
00:11:21,548 --> 00:11:23,672
were seven, and I've always been.
248
00:11:23,768 --> 00:11:25,472
The word I like to use is a bubble walker.
249
00:11:25,528 --> 00:11:25,720
Right.
250
00:11:25,752 --> 00:11:28,256
So you know how neurodivergent people have
251
00:11:28,280 --> 00:11:30,604
really tight bubbles that they don't let
people into?
252
00:11:31,224 --> 00:11:32,024
I've never seen.
253
00:11:32,064 --> 00:11:34,224
He's always made contact, eye contact with me.
254
00:11:34,264 --> 00:11:35,056
He's always hugged me.
255
00:11:35,080 --> 00:11:35,936
He's always touched me.
256
00:11:35,960 --> 00:11:37,632
He's always talked to me.
257
00:11:37,768 --> 00:11:38,776
Adam: Oh, right.
258
00:11:38,840 --> 00:11:40,680
Leah: That was a bit shocking for me too.
259
00:11:40,752 --> 00:11:41,784
And our son as well.
260
00:11:41,824 --> 00:11:44,232
They both had a discussion today, actually,
that shocked me.
261
00:11:44,248 --> 00:11:46,648
And they were like, can I have a hug?
Can I have a hug?
262
00:11:46,696 --> 00:11:50,482
I don't like being hugged without, you know,
you telling me beforehand.
263
00:11:50,498 --> 00:11:52,586
And I said, neither of you ever said that to
me.
264
00:11:52,730 --> 00:11:54,834
So it's kind of shocked sometimes.
265
00:11:54,874 --> 00:11:58,410
Moshe: Still, my son just sort of walked into
the room and said, can I have a hug?
266
00:11:58,442 --> 00:11:59,338
And I said, you just.
267
00:11:59,386 --> 00:12:02,578
You need to give me, like, 30 seconds to just
268
00:12:02,746 --> 00:12:04,050
prepare myself.
269
00:12:04,242 --> 00:12:04,618
Adam: Yes.
270
00:12:04,666 --> 00:12:06,054
Moshe: And then I was all set.
271
00:12:06,434 --> 00:12:07,170
Yes.
272
00:12:07,322 --> 00:12:08,854
Becca: Mine just sits on me.
273
00:12:09,514 --> 00:12:13,642
Leah: But that conversation was completely
shocking to me because I was like, neither of
274
00:12:13,658 --> 00:12:15,390
you cares when I just jump on you.
275
00:12:15,522 --> 00:12:17,174
And they're like, I don't know, whatever.
276
00:12:17,254 --> 00:12:17,870
Moshe: That's so funny.
277
00:12:17,902 --> 00:12:18,750
Leah: Everybody else, though.
278
00:12:18,822 --> 00:12:20,886
No, yeah, yeah.
279
00:12:20,910 --> 00:12:22,518
Adam: That's the golden question, actually.
280
00:12:22,566 --> 00:12:23,550
Leah: Let's talk.
281
00:12:23,742 --> 00:12:25,294
Yeah, it is, isn't it?
282
00:12:25,414 --> 00:12:27,446
Yeah, let's talk about touch, actually.
283
00:12:27,510 --> 00:12:30,502
So I had some, like, mom comparisons that I
284
00:12:30,518 --> 00:12:34,726
wanted to talk about, and touch fatigue is a
thing that I suffer from being, I guess,
285
00:12:34,750 --> 00:12:36,830
neurotypical, or the very least, neurospicy.
286
00:12:36,862 --> 00:12:39,126
I don't have any diagnoses, but I'm surrounded
287
00:12:39,150 --> 00:12:41,350
by neurodivergent people always.
288
00:12:41,422 --> 00:12:43,110
It's kind of a question that I have for
289
00:12:43,142 --> 00:12:43,834
myself.
290
00:12:44,014 --> 00:12:45,890
Yeah, I suffer from that.
291
00:12:45,922 --> 00:12:49,474
I have two children, and they always want to,
as you said, sit on me, touch me.
292
00:12:49,514 --> 00:12:51,938
Mommy, mommy, come and help me with this.
293
00:12:51,986 --> 00:12:53,178
Come and do with that.
294
00:12:53,346 --> 00:12:54,730
I have trouble dealing with that.
295
00:12:54,762 --> 00:12:56,694
So. How do you deal with that, Becca?
296
00:12:57,074 --> 00:13:05,642
Becca: Oh, well, I don't think it's as bad now
as it used to be, because she, especially when
297
00:13:05,658 --> 00:13:07,802
she was younger, she always just wanted me.
298
00:13:07,978 --> 00:13:10,554
She just felt close, and she was very clingy
299
00:13:10,594 --> 00:13:11,414
with me.
300
00:13:11,964 --> 00:13:14,772
And strangely enough, anytime someone else
301
00:13:14,788 --> 00:13:17,532
tried to give her a hug, she was like, no, no.
302
00:13:17,628 --> 00:13:18,220
I'm like, why?
303
00:13:18,252 --> 00:13:19,980
Why?
You gotta do it with me all the time.
304
00:13:20,132 --> 00:13:21,276
But she.
305
00:13:21,460 --> 00:13:25,604
I would literally come upstairs and get in my
306
00:13:25,644 --> 00:13:29,772
room and close the door when he got home just
to get a good hour to myself.
307
00:13:29,828 --> 00:13:34,588
And that was always hard because I always also
felt guilty because she would be upset that I
308
00:13:34,676 --> 00:13:35,700
would go upstairs.
309
00:13:35,772 --> 00:13:39,292
And so it's like I trade off, you know, the
310
00:13:39,348 --> 00:13:41,732
fatigue for mom guilt now, and.
311
00:13:41,788 --> 00:13:42,292
Adam: Exactly.
312
00:13:42,348 --> 00:13:42,668
Becca: It's.
313
00:13:42,716 --> 00:13:46,716
Adam: And she's just, when she goes upstairs
like this, she has to have that.
314
00:13:46,740 --> 00:13:47,948
Becca: I just sit in a dark room.
315
00:13:48,036 --> 00:13:48,508
Adam: That's right.
316
00:13:48,556 --> 00:13:49,004
Becca: Sometimes.
317
00:13:49,044 --> 00:13:52,820
Adam: Or she has to have that low sensory
input, you know, breathing alone, time to
318
00:13:52,852 --> 00:13:53,396
recharge.
319
00:13:53,460 --> 00:13:55,644
Becca: I don't like bright lights or anything
like that.
320
00:13:55,724 --> 00:14:04,024
And Camilla is like, these days, she'll still
come and sit on me, but then she'll kind of
321
00:14:04,854 --> 00:14:09,998
recognize that it's, like, a bit much, and
she'll slide off because she's a good 50
322
00:14:10,046 --> 00:14:13,454
pounds now, so she's heavy, but she still
likes to be carried everywhere.
323
00:14:13,534 --> 00:14:14,354
And she.
324
00:14:14,654 --> 00:14:16,834
I've had to learn to.
325
00:14:17,134 --> 00:14:23,294
And this has given me some mom guilt as well,
but I've had to learn, like, when she is upset
326
00:14:23,374 --> 00:14:29,094
or she is just sort of dealing with something,
she will let me.
327
00:14:29,134 --> 00:14:31,250
She'll say something like, well, you know what
I need?
328
00:14:31,382 --> 00:14:35,514
And that's code for I need a hug, because she
doesn't like to ask just for a hug.
329
00:14:35,554 --> 00:14:39,298
And I'm, oh, yeah, okay, so, you know, so I
immediately will go and give her a hug,
330
00:14:39,346 --> 00:14:40,694
because I do want to.
331
00:14:41,154 --> 00:14:44,290
Yeah, I do want to show her affection and be
332
00:14:44,322 --> 00:14:50,666
there for her, but sometimes it's not on my
radar when she needs that, because sometimes
333
00:14:50,730 --> 00:14:51,698
another, I.
334
00:14:51,706 --> 00:14:54,914
Leah: Saw another one of your tiktoks where
Adam was actually defending you and saying,
335
00:14:54,954 --> 00:14:56,810
mommy gives hugs all the time.
336
00:14:57,002 --> 00:14:59,754
Are you getting a lot of people saying the
337
00:14:59,794 --> 00:15:02,010
opposite or negative things about your
mothering?
338
00:15:02,082 --> 00:15:04,546
Because that, to me, is unacceptable.
339
00:15:04,730 --> 00:15:05,810
Becca: Yeah, here and there.
340
00:15:05,842 --> 00:15:08,506
Like, I feel like I have to make sure people
341
00:15:08,570 --> 00:15:14,698
know that I don't neglect my child because for
some reason, people see, like, a 60, you know,
342
00:15:14,746 --> 00:15:18,906
second video and they immediately have all
these assumptions of, well, she must never,
343
00:15:18,970 --> 00:15:20,706
like, oh, her poor child.
344
00:15:20,770 --> 00:15:22,722
She must never give her affection or, you
345
00:15:22,738 --> 00:15:24,014
know, her poor husband.
346
00:15:24,194 --> 00:15:25,774
Like, she hates you.
347
00:15:25,934 --> 00:15:27,194
She hates you, bro.
348
00:15:27,854 --> 00:15:28,998
He gets that one a lot.
349
00:15:29,046 --> 00:15:30,434
And part of it, too, is.
350
00:15:31,414 --> 00:15:31,790
Yeah.
351
00:15:31,822 --> 00:15:34,022
And part of it's the touching, but part of
it's also my.
352
00:15:34,078 --> 00:15:36,198
My facial expressions are pretty.
353
00:15:36,366 --> 00:15:38,558
Leah: Yeah, just, I was gonna say motion.
354
00:15:38,606 --> 00:15:39,726
I instantly got that.
355
00:15:39,750 --> 00:15:41,206
You're just not facing.
356
00:15:41,390 --> 00:15:41,710
Right.
357
00:15:41,742 --> 00:15:42,158
Becca: Like, I don't.
358
00:15:42,206 --> 00:15:43,350
Leah: Doesn't sometimes either.
359
00:15:43,422 --> 00:15:45,182
Yeah, he looks at me sometimes because I have
360
00:15:45,198 --> 00:15:46,390
to unmask sometime.
361
00:15:46,462 --> 00:15:47,078
Like, I just.
362
00:15:47,126 --> 00:15:49,182
I can't be facing the time.
363
00:15:49,278 --> 00:15:49,780
Moshe: Right.
364
00:15:49,902 --> 00:15:55,096
Becca: Yeah. And I think it's harder when you
have kids because something has to give when
365
00:15:55,120 --> 00:16:00,032
you're already putting forth this other energy
to parent.
366
00:16:00,088 --> 00:16:01,944
And, like, I know one.
367
00:16:02,024 --> 00:16:03,768
We have one child, and I think that's.
368
00:16:03,896 --> 00:16:07,284
I've realized pretty quickly that was my limit
because I can't.
369
00:16:07,784 --> 00:16:08,920
It's really hard to.
370
00:16:08,992 --> 00:16:13,324
And she's a very high energy child as well, so
371
00:16:13,864 --> 00:16:17,536
trying to meet all her needs, I couldn't
imagine, like, trying to split that between
372
00:16:17,720 --> 00:16:18,912
her and another child.
373
00:16:19,008 --> 00:16:21,930
Adam: It's extremely difficult to raise
children.
374
00:16:22,112 --> 00:16:28,438
All things being equal, it will require the
best that you have for the entirety of your
375
00:16:28,486 --> 00:16:29,074
life.
376
00:16:29,374 --> 00:16:33,534
Leah: It's the hardest job you'll ever love,
is what one of my parents used to say to me,
377
00:16:33,574 --> 00:16:33,894
actually.
378
00:16:33,974 --> 00:16:34,638
Adam: That's it.
379
00:16:34,766 --> 00:16:36,166
So when you throw in something like
380
00:16:36,190 --> 00:16:43,694
neurodivergence, where bandwidth is not the
same, I mean, you have to make adjustments
381
00:16:43,814 --> 00:16:50,192
and, you know, come up with strategies, find
ways to hack this to where, you know, a
382
00:16:50,208 --> 00:16:52,984
neurodivergent partner doesn't end up
drowning.
383
00:16:53,144 --> 00:16:57,804
Becca: Yeah. She's much more extroverted than
I am as well, so I try to make sure she has
384
00:16:58,264 --> 00:17:03,352
playdates and stuff, and then I usually need
about a day to recover from that because.
385
00:17:03,448 --> 00:17:05,496
Leah: Because you have to talk to the parents
and stuff.
386
00:17:05,560 --> 00:17:05,784
Becca: Right.
387
00:17:05,824 --> 00:17:06,248
Leah: It's just.
388
00:17:06,296 --> 00:17:07,880
Becca: Yeah, that and, like, the other.
389
00:17:07,952 --> 00:17:10,256
Having the other kid over or whatever, like,
390
00:17:10,280 --> 00:17:10,832
it's.
391
00:17:10,968 --> 00:17:13,216
It's basically having two eight year olds that
392
00:17:13,240 --> 00:17:18,056
are screaming and, you know, it just becomes a
sensory overload situation.
393
00:17:18,160 --> 00:17:18,608
And it's.
394
00:17:18,656 --> 00:17:20,408
I'm trying to make sure they have fun because
395
00:17:20,456 --> 00:17:23,702
they're kids, you know, and I always remind
myself, they're kids, you know, they're not
396
00:17:23,718 --> 00:17:25,214
going to have this time.
397
00:17:25,374 --> 00:17:26,870
Let them be kids now, because when they grow
398
00:17:26,902 --> 00:17:29,926
up, they're going to have to do all this other
stuff, so I want to make sure that they're
399
00:17:29,950 --> 00:17:30,534
having fun.
400
00:17:30,614 --> 00:17:32,606
And of course, it's summer break now, so it's
401
00:17:32,630 --> 00:17:33,110
like my.
402
00:17:33,182 --> 00:17:35,326
The routine that I did have, which I try to
403
00:17:35,350 --> 00:17:37,846
keep a nice routine because it just feels
safe.
404
00:17:37,910 --> 00:17:40,278
But, you know, all these things that.
405
00:17:40,326 --> 00:17:41,470
There's all these things that change
406
00:17:41,542 --> 00:17:44,014
throughout the year, like, oh, summer break,
kids home all day now.
407
00:17:44,054 --> 00:17:46,318
So guess what?
Your routines out the window.
408
00:17:46,406 --> 00:17:49,006
Leah: So, yeah, Moshe struggles with that,
too.
409
00:17:49,030 --> 00:17:50,878
We've had to put certain rules in place.
410
00:17:50,926 --> 00:17:52,886
The neighbor kids were coming over all the
411
00:17:52,910 --> 00:17:58,582
time, and there's four of them, and they range
in age from five to, like, how old is the
412
00:17:58,598 --> 00:17:59,714
oldest?
1213.
413
00:18:00,174 --> 00:18:03,966
And he eventually had to say, you can't come
over during this time, this time, this time,
414
00:18:03,990 --> 00:18:04,846
and this time.
415
00:18:04,990 --> 00:18:07,606
And our children can go to you, but you can't
416
00:18:07,630 --> 00:18:09,354
be here because it's just too much.
417
00:18:09,654 --> 00:18:10,158
Moshe: Right.
418
00:18:10,246 --> 00:18:12,062
Leah: So we understand that one for sure.
419
00:18:12,118 --> 00:18:14,006
I like that you brought up mom guilt back.
420
00:18:14,070 --> 00:18:15,158
I didn't put that anywhere.
421
00:18:15,206 --> 00:18:16,598
And I kind of feel dumb for not.
422
00:18:16,646 --> 00:18:19,674
Because it's totally a thing that I suffer
from as well.
423
00:18:20,444 --> 00:18:24,972
I think that this is more of a male versus
female thing rather than a neurodivergent
424
00:18:24,988 --> 00:18:25,116
thing.
425
00:18:25,140 --> 00:18:26,612
But Moshe never gets that.
426
00:18:26,708 --> 00:18:30,388
When I tell him, I feel so bad that I didn't
do the bubble or I'm such a bad mom, because.
427
00:18:30,436 --> 00:18:33,372
What are you talking about?
You're the best mom in the world.
428
00:18:33,428 --> 00:18:35,140
But I think that's more of a guy thing.
429
00:18:35,212 --> 00:18:35,756
Right.
430
00:18:35,900 --> 00:18:37,300
Moshe: It's more of an autism thing.
431
00:18:37,332 --> 00:18:38,744
It's more of a guy thing.
432
00:18:39,084 --> 00:18:42,892
I don't understand things that I think are
not.
433
00:18:42,948 --> 00:18:44,144
They don't make sense.
434
00:18:44,524 --> 00:18:48,460
Emotions are difficult sometimes, knowing
435
00:18:48,492 --> 00:18:51,300
which one I should be feeling and which
circumstance.
436
00:18:51,412 --> 00:18:51,820
Leah: Yeah.
437
00:18:51,892 --> 00:18:56,796
Adam: Yes. And convincing everybody else that
you're actually feeling the proper emotion at
438
00:18:56,820 --> 00:18:57,908
the right degree.
439
00:18:58,076 --> 00:19:01,812
Becca: Yeah. And I have a hard time with my
own emotions and with.
440
00:19:01,948 --> 00:19:06,204
I have a hard time figuring when someone's
joking or being serious sometimes.
441
00:19:06,244 --> 00:19:08,684
Like, but I can use sarcasm all the time.
442
00:19:08,764 --> 00:19:10,900
Of course people think I'm being serious, too,
443
00:19:10,932 --> 00:19:13,940
but when other people do it, I do have a hard
time figuring that out.
444
00:19:13,972 --> 00:19:21,498
But with, like, with Camilla, for some reason,
like, when she cries, just that it ruins me,
445
00:19:21,506 --> 00:19:24,186
and I'm like, oh, what did I do?
Even though it wasn't my fault, may not even
446
00:19:24,210 --> 00:19:26,334
be my fault, but I'm immediately guilty.
447
00:19:26,674 --> 00:19:27,490
What have I done?
448
00:19:27,562 --> 00:19:28,346
It's like, I don't.
449
00:19:28,410 --> 00:19:30,666
And that's very new to me because before
450
00:19:30,730 --> 00:19:32,930
having children, I never really understood.
451
00:19:33,122 --> 00:19:34,498
I never wanted to hold babies.
452
00:19:34,586 --> 00:19:35,162
I never really.
453
00:19:35,218 --> 00:19:36,538
Everybody was like, here, hold my baby.
454
00:19:36,586 --> 00:19:39,106
I'm like, no, please, I'm not into that.
455
00:19:39,290 --> 00:19:40,730
But, you know, when it comes to your own
456
00:19:40,762 --> 00:19:47,042
child, for some reason, it's like, yeah,
everything's either great or guilty.
457
00:19:47,138 --> 00:19:49,914
Like, I mean, you know, it's like there's no
in between some.
458
00:19:49,954 --> 00:19:53,482
Adam: And I'm over here witnessing the sheer
amount of effort she's putting forward as a
459
00:19:53,498 --> 00:19:53,794
mom.
460
00:19:53,874 --> 00:19:57,618
She's extremely attentive, extremely careful
461
00:19:57,706 --> 00:19:59,354
and creative.
462
00:19:59,434 --> 00:20:04,602
And she, she puts her own sensory input at
463
00:20:04,658 --> 00:20:10,266
risk many times by simply providing a rich
childhood for our daughter.
464
00:20:10,330 --> 00:20:14,626
Becca: But I've also had these rage moments,
though, where it's like the sensory overload
465
00:20:14,770 --> 00:20:16,186
hits a certain point.
466
00:20:16,290 --> 00:20:18,762
And I've not been always able to recognize
467
00:20:18,818 --> 00:20:20,106
when I'm at my limit.
468
00:20:20,290 --> 00:20:22,226
And there have been times where I've had to,
469
00:20:22,250 --> 00:20:26,226
like, go outside and scream and sorry for my
neighbors, but, like, or just, you know, do
470
00:20:26,290 --> 00:20:30,574
something that gets out whatever is built up
so I can carry on.
471
00:20:30,994 --> 00:20:34,786
And it's in those moments I feel like, what is
wrong with me?
472
00:20:34,850 --> 00:20:39,090
Because I know so many people who have, like,
and, you know, of course now I understand, but
473
00:20:39,242 --> 00:20:42,722
there's so many, like, people who have three
or four kids and they're just like, this is
474
00:20:42,738 --> 00:20:43,850
the time of our life.
475
00:20:43,962 --> 00:20:47,250
And it's like, why can't I just do the thing?
476
00:20:47,322 --> 00:20:52,410
Adam: I have two older sisters that have 13
children between the two of them.
477
00:20:52,442 --> 00:20:53,690
Leah: Oh, my goodness.
478
00:20:53,802 --> 00:20:54,362
Adam: And they both.
479
00:20:54,418 --> 00:20:55,218
Leah: Congratulations.
480
00:20:55,266 --> 00:20:57,914
But also, oh, my goodness, I would die.
481
00:20:58,074 --> 00:21:02,778
Adam: The both of them have a set of twins, so
they are just.
482
00:21:02,866 --> 00:21:06,410
I've been drowning in kids since I was 17
years old.
483
00:21:06,602 --> 00:21:12,946
And so when we had our child and that massive
reduction of bandwidth brought all of her
484
00:21:12,970 --> 00:21:18,168
neurodivergent traits boiling to the top,
like, really hardcore for the first time, I
485
00:21:18,176 --> 00:21:22,248
was like, it's what, you know, my initial
reaction was, it's just one kid.
486
00:21:22,296 --> 00:21:24,704
Like, what's going on?
I had no idea.
487
00:21:24,824 --> 00:21:27,248
Becca: You know, we were also moving at that
time.
488
00:21:27,416 --> 00:21:34,584
We were, and that was a nightmare because
moving requires a lot of change and saying
489
00:21:34,624 --> 00:21:37,376
goodbye to places, not even people.
490
00:21:37,440 --> 00:21:38,736
We didn't move that far.
491
00:21:38,920 --> 00:21:44,840
It was just like, you know, the whole change
of scenery and like, what if this happens?
492
00:21:44,872 --> 00:21:47,966
What if, you know, it's just my whole
coordination.
493
00:21:48,070 --> 00:21:50,430
Leah: What if you lose one of your favorite
things?
494
00:21:50,502 --> 00:21:52,198
Like, I understand that too.
495
00:21:52,246 --> 00:21:52,950
Yeah, absolutely.
496
00:21:52,982 --> 00:21:53,358
Becca: Yeah.
497
00:21:53,446 --> 00:21:53,998
Adam: Say nothing.
498
00:21:54,046 --> 00:21:55,566
Say nothing, please move on.
499
00:21:55,710 --> 00:21:57,422
Becca: Anyway, he knows.
500
00:21:57,438 --> 00:21:58,886
Leah: What, did I predict something?
501
00:21:59,070 --> 00:21:59,954
Becca: He knows.
502
00:22:00,774 --> 00:22:02,994
Leah: Does it show I'm married to and you're
diverted.
503
00:22:03,294 --> 00:22:09,278
Adam: She's referencing an event that occurred
that may or may not have been my doing.
504
00:22:09,446 --> 00:22:13,414
Becca: Well, because he's very, like, he
doesn't get the importance of certain things.
505
00:22:13,494 --> 00:22:20,216
And so, therefore, if it's not important to
him, like it is to me, then he's just kind of
506
00:22:20,240 --> 00:22:21,056
aloof with it.
507
00:22:21,120 --> 00:22:23,760
And that really, that, like, to me, I'm like,
508
00:22:23,792 --> 00:22:25,424
how could you do that?
What is wrong with you?
509
00:22:25,464 --> 00:22:26,484
You know?
Like.
510
00:22:27,104 --> 00:22:28,768
And to him, it's like, what are you talking.
511
00:22:28,816 --> 00:22:29,368
It's fine.
512
00:22:29,416 --> 00:22:32,784
It's one thing, but for me, it's a nightmare.
513
00:22:32,864 --> 00:22:39,320
Adam: On top of being an extroverted, big
family, neurotypical, I also grew up in
514
00:22:39,352 --> 00:22:40,694
fundamentalist religion.
515
00:22:40,824 --> 00:22:44,554
That taught me to be cruel, to be quite
516
00:22:44,594 --> 00:22:50,082
honest, which is why I got out and that
cruelty was still hanging around.
517
00:22:50,178 --> 00:22:54,786
Becca: Well, I wouldn't say it's not so much
cruelty as it is just this whole negligence,
518
00:22:54,890 --> 00:22:55,434
maybe.
519
00:22:55,554 --> 00:22:56,522
Adam: Yeah, it's like this.
520
00:22:56,618 --> 00:22:57,994
Becca: Maybe some superiority.
521
00:22:58,074 --> 00:23:00,106
Like, I have this knowledge that you don't.
522
00:23:00,170 --> 00:23:04,474
Adam: And, yeah, it was like a disregard for
her experience as a person.
523
00:23:04,594 --> 00:23:08,074
Becca: Well, this particular group also not.
524
00:23:08,114 --> 00:23:09,586
Well, not all of them were like this, but
525
00:23:09,610 --> 00:23:12,722
there was this big taboo on any kind of mental
health.
526
00:23:12,778 --> 00:23:14,090
Like, anxiety is not a real thing.
527
00:23:14,122 --> 00:23:15,074
You just need to pray more.
528
00:23:15,114 --> 00:23:17,106
And I, you know, we actually.
529
00:23:17,170 --> 00:23:19,330
We met in church, so, like, this was a very
530
00:23:19,402 --> 00:23:20,610
strange place for me.
531
00:23:20,682 --> 00:23:23,330
And I was like, I thought there was something
532
00:23:23,402 --> 00:23:25,266
wrong with me the whole time I was there.
533
00:23:25,410 --> 00:23:27,186
I don't even know how I ended up there, to be
534
00:23:27,210 --> 00:23:27,814
honest.
535
00:23:28,274 --> 00:23:28,826
It was.
536
00:23:28,890 --> 00:23:30,330
And I. They don't.
537
00:23:30,402 --> 00:23:32,714
They didn't like questions, and I ended up,
538
00:23:32,754 --> 00:23:38,194
like, not making many friends because I am a
question person in our religion.
539
00:23:38,234 --> 00:23:40,506
Leah: It's actually funny because we're stoic.
540
00:23:40,610 --> 00:23:43,314
We're stiff upper lip for our people because
541
00:23:43,354 --> 00:23:46,242
everyone's like, oh, my goodness, my stomach
is falling apart.
542
00:23:46,298 --> 00:23:51,370
And they ask all kinds of questions and is
this one coming with the whatever?
543
00:23:51,442 --> 00:23:53,674
So we're actually quite stiff upper lip for
our religion.
544
00:23:53,714 --> 00:23:55,066
So that's interesting.
545
00:23:55,210 --> 00:23:56,010
Becca: Yeah, here it's.
546
00:23:56,082 --> 00:23:58,522
Well, with this particular denomination at
547
00:23:58,538 --> 00:24:02,764
least, like, there's so many, but, like, it
was.
548
00:24:02,844 --> 00:24:08,676
Just be quiet, listen, and if you have any
problems, like anxiety or depression, then
549
00:24:08,700 --> 00:24:11,860
maybe you have sin in your life and you need
to do that.
550
00:24:11,972 --> 00:24:15,316
It's a very guilt and punishment ridden sort
of system.
551
00:24:15,420 --> 00:24:18,372
Adam: You're never going to find the support
you actually need as a neurodivergent person
552
00:24:18,428 --> 00:24:20,252
in that culture, so.
553
00:24:20,308 --> 00:24:23,292
Becca: And I was definitely done with it
before he was, but then when he was done with
554
00:24:23,308 --> 00:24:24,464
it, I was like, yes.
555
00:24:25,604 --> 00:24:27,516
Because I knew I didn't belong there.
556
00:24:27,700 --> 00:24:28,276
Yeah.
557
00:24:28,380 --> 00:24:29,044
Adam: Yeah.
558
00:24:29,204 --> 00:24:30,220
Leah: So I understand.
559
00:24:30,372 --> 00:24:31,548
Wow, that's interesting.
560
00:24:31,596 --> 00:24:32,748
That's an interesting tidbit.
561
00:24:32,796 --> 00:24:34,384
Do you have anything to say, honey?
562
00:24:35,284 --> 00:24:36,864
Just kind of sitting here.
563
00:24:37,204 --> 00:24:44,624
Moshe: I'm just so fascinated just to hear the
different perspectives about what's going on.
564
00:24:45,004 --> 00:24:48,144
Leah: All right, so next on the agenda,
getting it all done.
565
00:24:48,684 --> 00:24:52,140
And how does one deal when their bucket is
empty?
566
00:24:52,172 --> 00:24:56,196
So let's describe what we mean by bucket,
because I also understood 100% what you were
567
00:24:56,220 --> 00:24:58,142
talking about when you said that.
568
00:24:58,308 --> 00:25:01,242
So an emotional bucket or a resource bucket or
569
00:25:01,298 --> 00:25:07,426
a friendliness bucket is sort of an imaginary,
you know, vessel that we fill up each day with
570
00:25:07,450 --> 00:25:11,214
doing things for ourselves and empty each day,
but doing things for other people.
571
00:25:11,794 --> 00:25:14,946
When your bucket is almost empty, how do you
deal with that?
572
00:25:15,130 --> 00:25:20,290
Oh, an empty bucket, it causes me to cry and
sort of flop on motion.
573
00:25:20,362 --> 00:25:21,722
I can't do this anymore.
574
00:25:21,858 --> 00:25:24,826
Becca: I don't think I have a full bucket
ever.
575
00:25:25,010 --> 00:25:25,794
I can't remember.
576
00:25:25,874 --> 00:25:28,458
I cannot remember a day of ever having a full
577
00:25:28,506 --> 00:25:28,938
bucket.
578
00:25:28,986 --> 00:25:29,658
Even as a child.
579
00:25:29,706 --> 00:25:32,202
I was actually a very anxious kid.
580
00:25:32,378 --> 00:25:38,266
And, like, I wake up maybe with maybe at best,
581
00:25:38,370 --> 00:25:39,266
half full.
582
00:25:39,410 --> 00:25:41,146
I don't sleep well either, though.
583
00:25:41,330 --> 00:25:42,282
I just don't.
584
00:25:42,418 --> 00:25:43,290
I've never been a good sleeper.
585
00:25:43,322 --> 00:25:44,494
My mom isn't either.
586
00:25:44,914 --> 00:25:47,578
And there's some questioning of whether she
587
00:25:47,626 --> 00:25:52,018
also is nerdy, but, you know, and she's always
like, no, no, I was just told I was shy,
588
00:25:52,146 --> 00:25:56,912
which, you know, here especially, you can
clearly see.
589
00:25:56,968 --> 00:25:59,776
Leah: The genetic lines sometimes.
590
00:25:59,960 --> 00:26:03,784
Becca: Yeah. And she here, too, like, in the
south where we live.
591
00:26:03,824 --> 00:26:04,616
Like, it's.
592
00:26:04,760 --> 00:26:06,160
It's like this everywhere, pretty much.
593
00:26:06,192 --> 00:26:10,928
But here, it just feels like it's more taboo
to talk about anything to do with autism or
594
00:26:11,096 --> 00:26:15,432
ADHD or, like, because if you mention ADHD or
you think your child might have it, it's like,
595
00:26:15,448 --> 00:26:17,256
no, they just need to go outside and run more.
596
00:26:17,360 --> 00:26:19,104
Like, you know, it's immediately defensive.
597
00:26:19,184 --> 00:26:23,016
Like, how dare you bring that up?
And so especially with that particular, like,
598
00:26:23,080 --> 00:26:27,694
generation of people like, that my mom belongs
to, it's like, no, there's nothing wrong with
599
00:26:27,734 --> 00:26:27,934
you.
600
00:26:27,974 --> 00:26:30,670
You're just lazy or you're just this or that.
601
00:26:30,862 --> 00:26:31,462
But for.
602
00:26:31,518 --> 00:26:34,806
Yeah, like, so when my bucket is pretty empty,
603
00:26:34,870 --> 00:26:38,606
like, I used to feel bad because I thought I
was just lazy.
604
00:26:38,670 --> 00:26:40,086
Like, why am I not.
605
00:26:40,270 --> 00:26:42,134
Why can I not do these things that other
606
00:26:42,174 --> 00:26:44,198
people can do?
And I think that's.
607
00:26:44,326 --> 00:26:51,438
I end up getting burned out really easily a
lot more before now, because now I understand,
608
00:26:51,566 --> 00:26:57,136
like, that I have to set more reasonable goals
and more attainable goals throughout the day.
609
00:26:57,200 --> 00:27:02,192
But, yeah, I, in the mornings, I try to.
610
00:27:02,368 --> 00:27:05,232
I try to balance my day out by having, like,
611
00:27:05,288 --> 00:27:06,592
some time for myself here and there.
612
00:27:06,608 --> 00:27:07,872
It doesn't always work out that way.
613
00:27:07,928 --> 00:27:13,048
And usually, if something goes wrong, the rest
of the day is like, well, I give up.
614
00:27:13,096 --> 00:27:13,464
That's it.
615
00:27:13,504 --> 00:27:13,752
You know?
616
00:27:13,768 --> 00:27:14,080
Like, it's.
617
00:27:14,112 --> 00:27:16,968
It's really hard for me to get back on top of.
618
00:27:17,136 --> 00:27:18,368
On top of that.
619
00:27:18,536 --> 00:27:24,600
Adam: But when she reaches her limit, I
actually try to consciously step in and give
620
00:27:24,632 --> 00:27:26,120
our daughter what she needs.
621
00:27:26,312 --> 00:27:28,280
Basically, just make enough room where Becca
622
00:27:28,312 --> 00:27:35,360
can steal away and be by herself if at all
possible, because now I understand what her
623
00:27:35,392 --> 00:27:41,848
brain is doing and what it actually needs or
not doing, or not doing what her brain
624
00:27:41,896 --> 00:27:42,392
actually.
625
00:27:42,528 --> 00:27:44,416
What her brain actually needs to recharge and
626
00:27:44,440 --> 00:27:47,712
try to get something back in the bucket
because tomorrow's coming whether we like it
627
00:27:47,728 --> 00:27:48,096
or not.
628
00:27:48,160 --> 00:27:52,462
Becca: Yeah. And there's, like, if I've been
to, say, the grocery store, that is a whole
629
00:27:52,518 --> 00:27:54,806
job for me, and it feels like it shouldn't be.
630
00:27:54,830 --> 00:27:56,238
So, of course I feel guilty for that.
631
00:27:56,286 --> 00:28:00,086
Like, why do I have so much trouble just
going?
632
00:28:00,150 --> 00:28:04,438
Why am I so exhausted after grocery shopping?
Like, I literally can't do anything else the
633
00:28:04,446 --> 00:28:05,734
rest of the day if I do that.
634
00:28:05,774 --> 00:28:06,510
And it's.
635
00:28:06,662 --> 00:28:08,470
It's very frustrating, and.
636
00:28:08,582 --> 00:28:09,630
But I think that's.
637
00:28:09,662 --> 00:28:13,646
That's also the reason why I really had a hard
time with working.
638
00:28:13,790 --> 00:28:16,150
Like, I. I used to be a nurse.
639
00:28:16,222 --> 00:28:17,846
I mean, I still have my nursing license and
640
00:28:17,870 --> 00:28:23,068
all, but I still have nightmares about working
in the hospital and just trying to keep it
641
00:28:23,076 --> 00:28:23,436
together.
642
00:28:23,540 --> 00:28:25,852
I would have breakdowns in the bathrooms.
643
00:28:25,988 --> 00:28:26,636
I just couldn't.
644
00:28:26,660 --> 00:28:28,772
Like, it was such a high paced environment,
645
00:28:28,868 --> 00:28:32,796
and I felt guilty then not being able to keep
up and, like, why can't I?
646
00:28:32,820 --> 00:28:36,364
Because I would be there extra hours just
doing my documentation.
647
00:28:36,404 --> 00:28:37,764
Because that had to be perfect, too.
648
00:28:37,804 --> 00:28:39,076
I needed to make sure that everything was
649
00:28:39,100 --> 00:28:40,028
documented perfectly.
650
00:28:40,076 --> 00:28:41,476
I need to make sure that.
651
00:28:41,540 --> 00:28:42,956
And then, like, I would wake up the next day.
652
00:28:42,980 --> 00:28:44,508
Did I give that patient that water that he
653
00:28:44,516 --> 00:28:47,764
asked for?
It's not the biggest deal, but to me, it was,
654
00:28:47,804 --> 00:28:51,670
like, one more thing that I didn't do and I
couldn't do.
655
00:28:51,742 --> 00:28:56,550
And, you know, I would have, like, five
patients at a time, and it's just like, before
656
00:28:56,582 --> 00:28:57,030
the end of the.
657
00:28:57,062 --> 00:28:58,782
Before half of the night is gone, I'm in the
658
00:28:58,798 --> 00:29:03,206
bathroom crying and freaking out, and why
can't I do this like everybody else is doing?
659
00:29:03,350 --> 00:29:07,614
Adam: And it makes her brilliant at that job,
but at the cost of her own sanity.
660
00:29:07,734 --> 00:29:14,590
Like, because she is so good at attention to
detail and being careful and, you know,
661
00:29:14,622 --> 00:29:19,794
attentive to everything to do with a patient's
career, it absolutely exhausts her.
662
00:29:19,914 --> 00:29:22,738
So she's really good at the job, and it's not
sustainable.
663
00:29:22,786 --> 00:29:25,370
Cause she's only ever gonna be in the bathroom
having a meltdown.
664
00:29:25,442 --> 00:29:31,426
Becca: And I've learned, too, the hard way,
that there's not much appreciation in that
665
00:29:31,450 --> 00:29:31,802
field.
666
00:29:31,898 --> 00:29:34,114
So it's like, you can do everything perfectly,
667
00:29:34,154 --> 00:29:36,058
and people are still gonna be like, why didn't
you do this?
668
00:29:36,106 --> 00:29:39,962
Why didn't you do that?
And for me, it's like, yeah, I must not be
669
00:29:39,978 --> 00:29:41,098
doing my job correctly.
670
00:29:41,186 --> 00:29:42,138
It makes it even worse.
671
00:29:42,186 --> 00:29:46,214
And then for some reason, I thought maybe
being a teacher would be easier.
672
00:29:47,354 --> 00:29:52,754
And, you know, this is before I had a child,
but I always got along with children a little
673
00:29:52,794 --> 00:29:53,970
better than adults.
674
00:29:54,042 --> 00:29:56,338
Like, for some reason, I was able to sort of
675
00:29:56,466 --> 00:29:58,026
understand them better than I did.
676
00:29:58,050 --> 00:29:59,618
Adults, like, it's just much.
677
00:29:59,666 --> 00:30:00,066
They.
678
00:30:00,170 --> 00:30:01,162
I understand them better.
679
00:30:01,218 --> 00:30:05,466
You know, I still play video games and watch
cartoons and love stuffed animals, and we just
680
00:30:05,490 --> 00:30:06,930
vibe with each other better.
681
00:30:07,122 --> 00:30:10,362
But there, you know, when you're supposed to
682
00:30:10,378 --> 00:30:14,946
be managing about 20 of them in a classroom,
and you also have all these other jobs that
683
00:30:14,970 --> 00:30:16,570
you're supposed to get done at the same time.
684
00:30:16,682 --> 00:30:18,348
I think part of it is the multi task.
685
00:30:18,466 --> 00:30:24,296
I really have a hard time with multitasking,
even though I wish I was like, I want to be
686
00:30:24,320 --> 00:30:29,440
good at multitasking, but it's almost an
unattainable thing for me without losing my
687
00:30:29,472 --> 00:30:30,768
mind, because women are.
688
00:30:30,896 --> 00:30:32,720
Leah: Women are expected to multitask.
689
00:30:32,792 --> 00:30:34,816
Women are expected that their brain just works
690
00:30:34,840 --> 00:30:35,512
this way.
691
00:30:35,648 --> 00:30:38,912
And so I multitasker in our relationship.
692
00:30:39,048 --> 00:30:39,600
Yeah.
693
00:30:39,712 --> 00:30:41,640
And that, I think, just goes without saying.
694
00:30:41,672 --> 00:30:47,304
And also, I think there's this view that women
have to take care of men.
695
00:30:47,344 --> 00:30:51,576
So when Moshe needs my help, people don't
really look at us weirdly, because it's like,
696
00:30:51,600 --> 00:30:53,804
oh, well, the wife's taking care of
everything.
697
00:30:54,144 --> 00:30:58,720
The difficulty we have in our relationship is
actually kind of opposite to what you and Adam
698
00:30:58,752 --> 00:30:58,896
have.
699
00:30:58,920 --> 00:31:01,480
Or what it appears, anyway, is that I also
700
00:31:01,512 --> 00:31:02,320
have my own issues.
701
00:31:02,392 --> 00:31:04,192
I have an anxiety disorder.
702
00:31:04,248 --> 00:31:06,264
I have a bona fide panic disorder.
703
00:31:06,304 --> 00:31:09,368
So I also have, you know, half bucket.
704
00:31:09,416 --> 00:31:11,150
Sometimes I wake up with no bucket.
705
00:31:11,312 --> 00:31:14,014
And then who takes care of that?
706
00:31:14,394 --> 00:31:15,754
Adam: Yeah, that's right.
707
00:31:15,874 --> 00:31:16,394
Moshe: Me.
708
00:31:16,514 --> 00:31:17,322
Leah: Yeah, he does.
709
00:31:17,378 --> 00:31:17,906
Actually.
710
00:31:18,050 --> 00:31:19,154
He's a superhero.
711
00:31:19,194 --> 00:31:20,666
He can't, but he does.
712
00:31:20,810 --> 00:31:22,134
Moshe: Well, I had to.
713
00:31:23,434 --> 00:31:27,410
My experience was, unfortunately, it was not
714
00:31:27,442 --> 00:31:30,454
the most pleasant when I was about.
715
00:31:31,874 --> 00:31:35,854
Well, after the disastrous experience I had
716
00:31:37,014 --> 00:31:41,958
when I was 16, my father sent me back to stay
with my mother.
717
00:31:42,126 --> 00:31:46,238
And she really got sick of me after that.
718
00:31:46,366 --> 00:31:50,634
And then I was kicked out and living on my own
719
00:31:50,974 --> 00:31:52,394
when I was about 17.
720
00:31:53,014 --> 00:31:53,870
Wow.
721
00:31:54,062 --> 00:31:58,414
I'd never done anything on my own, really.
722
00:31:58,494 --> 00:32:00,766
I didn't know how to budget.
723
00:32:00,830 --> 00:32:07,284
I didn't know how to wash a dish or use a
broom or a mop or washing machine, and I just
724
00:32:07,324 --> 00:32:09,788
kind of had to figure it out on my own.
725
00:32:09,956 --> 00:32:15,556
So I had a lot of experience learning and a
726
00:32:15,580 --> 00:32:16,092
lot of.
727
00:32:16,188 --> 00:32:17,340
A lot of mistakes.
728
00:32:17,492 --> 00:32:19,172
Leah: He's the king of pushing through.
729
00:32:19,228 --> 00:32:21,068
So what we had to learn in our relationship
730
00:32:21,116 --> 00:32:25,716
was accommodating him while accommodating
everything else.
731
00:32:25,900 --> 00:32:27,036
Moshe: I mean, I tried to do it.
732
00:32:27,100 --> 00:32:29,140
Leah: We have a pretty severely neurodivergent
child.
733
00:32:29,172 --> 00:32:33,298
Like Avram is not as functional as a lot of
children.
734
00:32:33,346 --> 00:32:34,466
Maybe his age in terms of.
735
00:32:34,490 --> 00:32:37,002
He has trouble still with dressing and washing
736
00:32:37,058 --> 00:32:45,322
himself and wiping properly and keeping track
of things and feeding him all the things that
737
00:32:45,498 --> 00:32:47,586
ten year old would maybe do by now.
738
00:32:47,770 --> 00:32:50,634
So that's also huge on both of us.
739
00:32:50,674 --> 00:32:51,642
Moshe: He's very high needs.
740
00:32:51,738 --> 00:32:55,494
And I had never had any experience with autism
741
00:32:55,794 --> 00:32:59,108
until I, ironically, until I was diagnosed.
742
00:32:59,276 --> 00:33:03,664
So just a matter of me being slightly weird.
743
00:33:04,044 --> 00:33:10,356
All of my friends were doing older things and
I still wanted to play video games and stuff.
744
00:33:10,540 --> 00:33:12,144
I had the same.
745
00:33:12,484 --> 00:33:15,252
I had the same stuff bear that I had since I
746
00:33:15,268 --> 00:33:17,468
was born, until I was in my twenties.
747
00:33:17,636 --> 00:33:19,892
And then finally it just kind of disintegrated
748
00:33:19,948 --> 00:33:21,384
into dust one day.
749
00:33:23,324 --> 00:33:24,544
Adam: That's so sad.
750
00:33:24,964 --> 00:33:27,196
Leah: Yeah, we have that, you see, we have
squishmallows.
751
00:33:27,260 --> 00:33:28,684
Squishmallow, yes.
752
00:33:30,064 --> 00:33:31,320
Adam: We have, like, ten of those.
753
00:33:31,392 --> 00:33:33,992
Becca: I have my, they're wonderful.
754
00:33:34,088 --> 00:33:36,096
Moshe: Never go anywhere without a stuff now.
755
00:33:36,240 --> 00:33:38,056
So I didn't actually know what I was good at
756
00:33:38,120 --> 00:33:41,104
because I never knew what, what I was meant to
do.
757
00:33:41,224 --> 00:33:47,072
And I didn't really learn a lot of life
skills, so I just kind of went from job to job
758
00:33:47,248 --> 00:33:49,264
and, I mean, I got a lot of stories.
759
00:33:49,344 --> 00:33:52,124
I was really bad at pretty much all of them.
760
00:33:52,704 --> 00:33:57,710
I was a security guard overnight once, and I.
761
00:33:57,822 --> 00:34:02,246
That lasted about a week, mostly because I
762
00:34:02,270 --> 00:34:04,974
lost track of what I was supposed to do and I
forgot what I already did.
763
00:34:05,014 --> 00:34:09,470
So I just kind of sat down and tried to figure
out what to do.
764
00:34:09,502 --> 00:34:11,914
And then I woke up later and it didn't work
out.
765
00:34:17,134 --> 00:34:18,474
I worked in.
766
00:34:19,814 --> 00:34:22,664
I lived in eastern Canada for a while, and
767
00:34:22,744 --> 00:34:27,244
they had, they were, like, paying people to
get into.
768
00:34:27,784 --> 00:34:29,624
Get into fields that were in demand.
769
00:34:29,784 --> 00:34:33,604
And my options were sanitation, cooking, and
770
00:34:34,184 --> 00:34:35,456
nursing assistant.
771
00:34:35,600 --> 00:34:38,256
So I figured, well, how hard could it be?
772
00:34:38,280 --> 00:34:42,856
To be a nurse really turns out really, really
hard.
773
00:34:43,000 --> 00:34:43,392
Adam: Yes.
774
00:34:43,448 --> 00:34:49,940
Moshe: And I did that for quite a while and no
one, well, I mean, I was the only male in my
775
00:34:49,972 --> 00:34:56,308
entire class and they got a kick out of me,
they love me, but no one really wanted me to
776
00:34:56,396 --> 00:34:57,364
go near them.
777
00:34:57,524 --> 00:34:59,044
And I mean, he's a big guy.
778
00:34:59,084 --> 00:35:02,024
Leah: If you're a woman, you're not going to
want him to change.
779
00:35:03,604 --> 00:35:05,460
Moshe: I'm about 6ft.
780
00:35:05,492 --> 00:35:05,884
6ft.
781
00:35:05,924 --> 00:35:06,548
Yeah.
782
00:35:06,716 --> 00:35:07,324
Adam: Gotcha.
783
00:35:07,404 --> 00:35:10,052
Moshe: So they said, they said that they.
784
00:35:10,108 --> 00:35:12,212
They didn't find me warm, they didn't find me
785
00:35:12,228 --> 00:35:12,564
friendly.
786
00:35:12,604 --> 00:35:16,200
Leah: Well, I mean, they clearly haven't met
you, dear.
787
00:35:16,352 --> 00:35:21,344
Becca: Oh, well, see, I got called little girl
a lot and when I was in, I would be in my
788
00:35:21,384 --> 00:35:24,560
twenties and they were like, oh, you did a
good job, little girl, or half pint.
789
00:35:24,712 --> 00:35:32,792
And because I was always, I've always like,
looked and acted younger than my age and so I
790
00:35:32,808 --> 00:35:33,128
always.
791
00:35:33,216 --> 00:35:34,856
It was really hard to get taken seriously
792
00:35:34,920 --> 00:35:35,764
whatsoever.
793
00:35:36,144 --> 00:35:38,872
Even now, I still have a hard time taking me
794
00:35:38,888 --> 00:35:39,240
seriously.
795
00:35:39,272 --> 00:35:41,312
Leah: People are not politically correct in
the south.
796
00:35:41,368 --> 00:35:46,700
I've been to Atlanta actually once for four
days for a job and it was the longest four
797
00:35:46,732 --> 00:35:47,212
days of my life.
798
00:35:47,228 --> 00:35:49,700
We were both born and brought up in Canada,
799
00:35:49,852 --> 00:35:51,988
the land of the very, very politically
correct.
800
00:35:52,036 --> 00:35:54,944
So it was a culture shock for me, so I can
only imagine.
801
00:35:55,564 --> 00:35:57,580
Becca: Yeah, honestly, we've talked about it.
802
00:35:57,692 --> 00:35:59,384
Moshe: We lived in the west.
803
00:36:00,044 --> 00:36:02,372
Leah: The west is horrible for your political
correctness.
804
00:36:02,428 --> 00:36:02,884
Terrible.
805
00:36:02,964 --> 00:36:05,444
Moshe: Yes. I have no filter when I talk.
806
00:36:05,604 --> 00:36:09,004
So I would regularly get my son's teacher.
807
00:36:09,124 --> 00:36:10,864
Becca: Yeah, regularly.
808
00:36:11,194 --> 00:36:13,626
Moshe: We've had our teachers cry once.
809
00:36:13,690 --> 00:36:15,978
Leah: You made everybody in the room cry.
810
00:36:16,026 --> 00:36:18,706
So we went in and our son decided that he
811
00:36:18,730 --> 00:36:23,106
didn't want to carry it that year because they
were pulling him away from things he wanted to
812
00:36:23,130 --> 00:36:27,210
do and fun things and doing like, puzzles and
stupidities with him where he's.
813
00:36:27,282 --> 00:36:30,298
He's in this weird situation where he has no
intellectual delay.
814
00:36:30,346 --> 00:36:35,850
He's very smart, so he can learn if it's
structured properly, but he has issues with
815
00:36:35,882 --> 00:36:39,840
keeping track of what he's doing, which is why
he still needs so much help with things.
816
00:36:40,032 --> 00:36:41,640
And he didn't want to care aid that year.
817
00:36:41,672 --> 00:36:43,592
And I said, motion, maybe we should just do
818
00:36:43,608 --> 00:36:44,200
the care aid.
819
00:36:44,232 --> 00:36:46,008
They're bugging us to do the funding again.
820
00:36:46,056 --> 00:36:49,884
Canada just throws money for funding if you
have a diagnosis.
821
00:36:50,584 --> 00:36:53,240
And he said, no, he doesn't want it.
822
00:36:53,272 --> 00:36:55,416
So we went in and they sat us down and they
823
00:36:55,440 --> 00:36:56,536
did the whole thing that they always do.
824
00:36:56,560 --> 00:36:59,528
Okay, mister and misses our last name.
825
00:36:59,696 --> 00:37:01,200
And this and this.
826
00:37:01,232 --> 00:37:02,112
We noticed this and this.
827
00:37:02,128 --> 00:37:02,856
With Avram and that.
828
00:37:02,880 --> 00:37:04,188
And that with Avram.
829
00:37:04,376 --> 00:37:06,316
And I was, like, nodding and doing my.
830
00:37:06,340 --> 00:37:06,652
Usually.
831
00:37:06,708 --> 00:37:08,636
Okay, I've done this before.
832
00:37:08,780 --> 00:37:09,548
I understand.
833
00:37:09,676 --> 00:37:14,212
Because when I walk into any meeting at the
school, there's usually a boardroom full of
834
00:37:14,228 --> 00:37:14,428
people.
835
00:37:14,476 --> 00:37:14,724
Moshe: There's.
836
00:37:14,764 --> 00:37:15,772
It's actually kind of fun.
837
00:37:15,828 --> 00:37:18,140
Leah: The psychiatrist and a psychiatrist for
the psychiatrist.
838
00:37:18,172 --> 00:37:18,980
And a social worker.
839
00:37:19,012 --> 00:37:20,956
And a social worker for the social worker.
840
00:37:21,100 --> 00:37:24,036
And then there's the teacher and the teacher
teachers and the other teachers.
841
00:37:24,060 --> 00:37:25,684
Anyway, you know what I'm talking.
842
00:37:25,764 --> 00:37:27,388
Or you can picture it anyway.
843
00:37:27,556 --> 00:37:27,996
Adam: Yeah.
844
00:37:28,060 --> 00:37:29,116
Leah: And I'm used to it.
845
00:37:29,140 --> 00:37:30,924
I'm just nodding and going, okay, okay.
846
00:37:30,964 --> 00:37:33,384
And she goes, no, not this time.
847
00:37:33,684 --> 00:37:35,276
And they looked at him and they said, excuse
848
00:37:35,300 --> 00:37:35,956
me, sir.
849
00:37:36,100 --> 00:37:39,316
And he says, listen, my son is autistic, and
850
00:37:39,340 --> 00:37:39,956
I'm autistic.
851
00:37:39,980 --> 00:37:41,164
And he dropped the r bomb.
852
00:37:41,204 --> 00:37:47,092
He said, and we're not the r word, and this is
Canada we're talking about.
853
00:37:47,148 --> 00:37:48,028
Moshe: I made her cry.
854
00:37:48,116 --> 00:37:48,572
Leah: Literally.
855
00:37:48,628 --> 00:37:50,460
Two of the teachers immediately burst into
856
00:37:50,492 --> 00:37:50,804
tears.
857
00:37:50,884 --> 00:37:52,428
You can't say that word.
858
00:37:52,476 --> 00:37:52,820
That's not.
859
00:37:52,852 --> 00:37:55,116
He goes, it's my word, and I'm gonna say it.
860
00:37:55,180 --> 00:37:55,524
Becca: Really?
861
00:37:55,604 --> 00:37:57,984
Leah: You can't force him to have a carried.
862
00:37:58,644 --> 00:38:00,828
Moshe: I grew up being called that my whole
life.
863
00:38:00,916 --> 00:38:01,180
Leah: Yeah.
864
00:38:01,212 --> 00:38:01,476
Adam: Yeah.
865
00:38:01,540 --> 00:38:03,864
Moshe: So, of course, I just got used to it.
866
00:38:04,444 --> 00:38:06,636
Leah: I don't approve of it, but, I mean, it
is his word.
867
00:38:06,660 --> 00:38:08,684
He could take it back, I guess, if he wants
to.
868
00:38:08,844 --> 00:38:09,508
Becca: Yeah.
869
00:38:09,636 --> 00:38:11,824
Adam: I understand his sentiment in that
moment.
870
00:38:12,164 --> 00:38:12,868
Becca: Well, it was.
871
00:38:12,916 --> 00:38:15,780
It was a word for a long time that was used
872
00:38:15,852 --> 00:38:18,908
for medical stuff, mental medical stuff.
873
00:38:18,956 --> 00:38:21,812
And then it turned around, and my mom still
874
00:38:21,868 --> 00:38:24,508
uses it, but she doesn't use it in an
offensive way.
875
00:38:24,556 --> 00:38:27,904
She's just like, oh, that's, you know, our
word.
876
00:38:27,944 --> 00:38:29,384
And it's just like, well.
877
00:38:29,544 --> 00:38:30,400
And I'm just like, oh.
878
00:38:30,432 --> 00:38:33,168
And I was just like, okay, mom, just don't say
that in public because I don't want people,
879
00:38:33,216 --> 00:38:34,624
like, coming after you or whatever.
880
00:38:34,704 --> 00:38:36,536
Because, you know, she doesn't mean it in such
881
00:38:36,560 --> 00:38:36,960
a way.
882
00:38:37,032 --> 00:38:39,456
But the way it's, you know, the way it is now,
883
00:38:39,480 --> 00:38:40,920
it is, I guess, considered offensive.
884
00:38:40,992 --> 00:38:42,624
But see, I wouldn't have cried about that,
885
00:38:42,664 --> 00:38:42,840
though.
886
00:38:42,872 --> 00:38:43,608
That would have been like.
887
00:38:43,696 --> 00:38:45,080
In fact, I might have laughed about that.
888
00:38:45,152 --> 00:38:50,000
Leah: Two, the carried and the teacher both
burst into tears and said, you can't say that
889
00:38:50,032 --> 00:38:50,848
to us.
890
00:38:51,016 --> 00:38:53,432
And the moral of the story is, that year, he
891
00:38:53,448 --> 00:38:56,274
didn't end up with a care aid and they didn't
get their funding.
892
00:38:56,464 --> 00:39:00,862
Becca: Yeah. See, that bothers me, though,
because it's like, I should be able to say no.
893
00:39:00,958 --> 00:39:03,198
Like, that sounds like you just don't want me
to say no to you.
894
00:39:03,246 --> 00:39:05,806
And that really bothers me because I, the.
895
00:39:05,830 --> 00:39:07,742
One of the biggest pet peeves I have is when
896
00:39:07,758 --> 00:39:13,110
people try to take any control away from me
because I've had so little of it.
897
00:39:13,182 --> 00:39:17,246
I feel like for myself that when it's, when
someone tries to take it from me, it's.
898
00:39:17,350 --> 00:39:20,714
That is the most offensive thing, I think, for
me.
899
00:39:21,134 --> 00:39:26,492
Moshe: And it's an interesting experience to
go in as almost like a gorilla, autistic.
900
00:39:26,598 --> 00:39:30,832
So they're trying to talk to me about what
autism is and, well, you know, this and that
901
00:39:30,848 --> 00:39:36,632
and the other thing and, oh, you know, these,
they do this and they do that and this is how
902
00:39:36,648 --> 00:39:37,400
they usually act.
903
00:39:37,432 --> 00:39:39,000
And I'm like, I know how we act.
904
00:39:39,112 --> 00:39:41,320
Don't tell me how I'm supposed to act.
905
00:39:41,352 --> 00:39:42,528
I know how I'm supposed to act.
906
00:39:42,616 --> 00:39:42,936
Adam: Yes.
907
00:39:43,000 --> 00:39:46,016
Leah: And they're like, excuse me, sir, you're
also autistic.
908
00:39:46,040 --> 00:39:49,832
And he's like, okay, so let's all sit down and
we're going to start to talk about.
909
00:39:49,928 --> 00:39:51,928
Moshe: That's when they usually say, can I
just talk to your wife?
910
00:39:51,976 --> 00:39:52,152
Leah: Yeah.
911
00:39:52,168 --> 00:39:54,504
Moshe: And then eventually, here's a toy.
912
00:39:54,544 --> 00:39:55,648
Why don't you go play with it?
913
00:39:55,736 --> 00:39:58,782
Leah: Can we just talk to your wife?
And that's when he stops getting the texts and
914
00:39:58,798 --> 00:40:00,286
the emails and the calls.
915
00:40:00,310 --> 00:40:04,694
Becca: And yes, I used to just be called
Adam's wife whenever we were out and about.
916
00:40:04,734 --> 00:40:07,014
And that really bothered the **** out of me.
917
00:40:07,054 --> 00:40:08,830
And I was like, my name, if you don't know my
918
00:40:08,862 --> 00:40:10,646
name, you should not come up and talk to me.
919
00:40:10,790 --> 00:40:13,374
And he's really outgoing.
920
00:40:13,534 --> 00:40:13,870
Yeah.
921
00:40:13,902 --> 00:40:15,246
And I'm probably forward.
922
00:40:15,350 --> 00:40:15,614
Leah: Right.
923
00:40:15,654 --> 00:40:18,406
Becca: And you're sort of just there and so.
924
00:40:18,430 --> 00:40:19,794
But they would come up to just.
925
00:40:21,854 --> 00:40:27,308
Yeah, and, well, there was a bit of,
especially when we, when we were going to this
926
00:40:27,356 --> 00:40:31,700
church, like, he was this big time, like, you
know, music pastor.
927
00:40:31,812 --> 00:40:33,524
So he had a fan club.
928
00:40:33,684 --> 00:40:35,196
Adam: I helped start the church.
929
00:40:35,300 --> 00:40:36,384
I was a leader.
930
00:40:36,684 --> 00:40:40,876
I was basically performing the job of a paid
staff member and all that fun stuff.
931
00:40:40,900 --> 00:40:43,660
Becca: And I told him a long time ago, like,
look, I'm not part of your fan club.
932
00:40:43,732 --> 00:40:51,426
So because I'm not very, you know, I don't buy
into that, like, ego stuff and whatever and,
933
00:40:51,450 --> 00:40:54,026
like, because I just think it's, I think it's
stupid.
934
00:40:54,210 --> 00:41:01,634
But, yeah, I know I caused quite a few issues
with, with people in that, that environment.
935
00:41:01,754 --> 00:41:10,194
And even with, like, his family, I'm not
exactly the good child in the family, but,
936
00:41:10,354 --> 00:41:12,770
yeah, it's a strain.
937
00:41:12,962 --> 00:41:14,594
But at the same time, like, I don't understand
938
00:41:14,674 --> 00:41:15,394
them either.
939
00:41:15,514 --> 00:41:17,642
I have a really hard time understanding why,
940
00:41:17,698 --> 00:41:22,054
like, his family is very much like, they get
together for every single holiday.
941
00:41:22,394 --> 00:41:24,048
They do all these special things.
942
00:41:24,096 --> 00:41:25,488
And I'm like, why?
943
00:41:25,656 --> 00:41:27,840
Why do you do that?
Why do we have to do that every time?
944
00:41:27,872 --> 00:41:29,696
Why do you have to have a birthday party every
single month?
945
00:41:29,720 --> 00:41:30,240
Why do we do.
946
00:41:30,272 --> 00:41:31,536
Why are we doing this?
947
00:41:31,680 --> 00:41:35,552
Because, like, I grew up in a household where
it was like, yeah, it doesn't, it doesn't make
948
00:41:35,568 --> 00:41:36,444
any sense.
949
00:41:38,304 --> 00:41:43,232
Leah: I'm the only daughter of a single mom,
too, and I get it.
950
00:41:43,288 --> 00:41:47,552
I really do, because I have .0 family.
951
00:41:47,648 --> 00:41:50,310
But we are members of, you know, our
952
00:41:50,342 --> 00:41:53,982
synagogue, and we're expected to be, because
he's a pretty prominent member.
953
00:41:54,038 --> 00:41:54,822
Men are.