Mastering Communication & Conflict in Neurodiverse Relationships

Episode Title: Mastering Communication & Conflict in Neurodiverse Relationships

Episode Number: 11

Release Date: June 5, 2024

Duration: 52:35

Episode Summary:

In this episode of Now You Know One Autistic, Moshe and Leah discuss the complexities of communication and peaceful resolutions in neurodiverse relationships. They delve into the challenges faced by mixed neuro-functionality couples, emphasizing the importance of understanding and empathy. The hosts also address the misconception of condescension in such relationships, highlighting the role of love and care in facilitating communication.

Key Takeaways:

• Communication Challenges: Neurodiverse couples often face unique communication challenges due to differences in processing information and emotional responses.
• The Need to Be Right: The episode explores the autistic tendency to seek correctness and the emotional reactions associated with it.
• Peaceful Resolutions: Moshe and Leah share personal experiences and strategies for de-escalating conflicts and fostering understanding in their relationship.

In This Episode, You Will Learn:

• The importance of open communication and active listening in neurodiverse relationships.
• Strategies for navigating disagreements and finding peaceful resolutions.
• The significance of understanding and accommodating individual differences.

Quotes:

• "Peaceful resolutions when it comes to communication is always important because when you have discussions or disagreements...you need to focus on how you're going to resolve the...disagreement in a way that allows things to be copacetic." - Moshe
• "If you're going to judge something, first of all, listen. Listen to the whole thing, listen to the whole interaction, and then try to put yourself in those person's shoes." - Leah

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Transcript:

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Moshe: Hi, I'm Moshe and I'm autistic.

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Leah: I'm Leah, and I'm boring.

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Welcome to the now, you know, one autistic

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podcast.

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Moshe: The opinions expressed in this podcast
reflect one autistic and one layout and don't

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necessarily reflect the entire autistic
community.

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Leah: Let's get to it.

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Hi, Moshe.

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Moshe: Hi, Leah.

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Leah: How are you?

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Moshe: I'm good, thank you.

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Leah: Good. So today, are you ready to talk a
little bit more about communication?

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Moshe: Yes, we're going to talk a little bit
more about communication.

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We're going to communicate about communication
for.

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Leah: The thousandth, I don't know, however
many episodes this is.

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Moshe: It's a lot of episodes.

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I think I've lost count.

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Leah: I think it's an ongoing issue in the
podcast.

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Because it's an ongoing issue in our life.

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Moshe: Yes. And this is, I think this is our
fourth time trying to record this episode.

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Leah: I think it's our third attempt.

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This was a cursed episode.

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So hopefully today we'll be able to publish
it.

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Moshe: We've updated our equipment.

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We have got everything consistent down.

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We've done everything we could.

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Leah: If it doesn't work this time, I'm going
to say it's just a poltergeist and we're going

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to skip this topic.

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Moshe: Right.

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Obviously, peaceful resolution does not end

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peacefully.

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Leah: Do you think that that might be a thing?
That's terrible.

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That's a horrible thought.

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So anyway, you gave it away.

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The topic today is peaceful resolutions.

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Moshe: Good.

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Leah: So, thoughts?

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Moshe: Peaceful resolutions when it comes to
communication is always important because when

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you have discussions or disagreements or, you
know, prostitutional markets, you need to

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focus on how you're going to resolve the,
we'll call it disagreement in a way that

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allows things to be copacetic.

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Right.

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Leah: So disagreement.

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Define disagreement.

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Moshe: Well, it can really vary depending on
the topic.

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It really comes down to, I feel this way, you
feel this way.

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How are we going to resolve this?
Or something happened and one of us feels a

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certain way and other one feels a different
way, how are we going to reconcile our

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feelings?
Or again, if we end up in more of a heated

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discussion, we'll say, how are we going to
come up from way up and bring things down?

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Leah: Yeah, I feel like we've made it clear to
the audience now that we do sort of a free

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flow situation where we come up with topics
and we have basic things that we want to hit,

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but we just have discussions.

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And you know what?

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This is actually bringing up something that I
want to cover in terms of the format of our

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podcast and in terms of our discussions yes.

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Now I just want to make it clear, and I've

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seen other mixed neuro functionality couples
doing content as well, that when it seems like

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the neurotypical is being, what's the word?
Condescending or taking over or doing an

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explaining for their partner, please trust
that it's because that person loves and cares

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for and knows their partner better than you
do.

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Because the reality is, it's usually a concept
or an idea that I can see is stuck in Moshe's

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mind, and I'm just helping him get it out.

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Moshe: Right.

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Unfortunately, in some instances, both in the

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past and currently ongoing, there are other
podcasts or content that's out there on

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YouTube or various podcast streaming sites
that involve mixed functionality couples.

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There's a really interesting YouTube series
that we follow.

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There's a TikTok.

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Leah: I was thinking more about the TikTok.

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There's another couple where it slipped.

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It's the male who's neurotypical.

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And especially because he's a male, it can

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look a lot like mansplaining, and it can look
a lot like he's being condescending to her,

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but he's not.

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Because I see it.

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I see her in the background sort of struggling
to get the words and the idea out, and it's

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just because he knows her.

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He's trying to help her.

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Moshe: Yeah. So I want to bring this up mostly
is Finn brogd.

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If you go on TikTok and you look up, studies
show that's the account name, and I actually

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don't know their names.

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We have spoken a couple of times.

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I've reached out to them, and they're like,
whoa, you're kind of like the mirror image of

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us.

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Because I'm the autistic one and you're the

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neurotypical one, and in their instance, he's
the neurotypical one and she's the autistic

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one.

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And they're a wonderful couple, and I love

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their content, and it actually amuses me a
great deal to see their back and forth.

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But it's a really interesting dynamic that
they have, and it actually reminds me a lot in

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certain aspects of the way you and I interact.

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And actually, I have reached out to them once

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or twice to see if there's ever any interest
in doing a collaboration, because I would love

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to talk to them either on their show or on our
show.

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Leah: I'm sure that there's something I can do
in the future, but I think ultimately what I'm

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looking for here is to just put out there that
if you're going to judge something.

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First of all, listen.

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Listen to the whole thing, listen to the whole

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interaction, and then try to put yourself in
those person's shoes.

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Try to look for evidence, right, evidence of
the contrary.

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Moshe often takes off and talks the whole
time, and I don't interrupt him.

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He often corrects me on things, but people
don't see that because they're more sensitive

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to the idea that we are being, I don't know,
taken advantage of or whatever.

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Moshe: We had a couple of pieces of feedback
since we recorded our last episode.

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One of them was very positive and one of them
was very negative.

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And the one that was very negative was, it
appeared to be somewhat needlessly negative.

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Leah: Yeah. So I just want to say we're not
opposed to negative feedback.

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We've been saying that since the beginning.

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But if it just comes from a really horrible

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place that's not even based in reality, we're
going to delete you.

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Moshe: And it brought up the topic, and I can
only imagine that it would be pretty

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consistent across any interactions between
someone with a disability and someone without

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a disability, especially if the discussion or
the content was in regards to that disability.

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Because when you have an autistic person
speaking for themselves, or you have a

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neurodivergent person or a disabled person
speaking for themselves, then they have a

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voice.

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But if you have the content that we're trying

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to put out, where we offer different
perspectives from neurofunctionality, it's

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almost, I would say, impossible.

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Especially if you're looking at it from a

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somewhat skewed way, to come across like,
well, you're clearly taking advantage of him,

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or you're clearly talking over him, or you're
clearly making fun of him.

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And I just want to speak for myself that the
podcast that we're doing, the podcast that

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Leah and I are doing, and the content that
we're trying to put out is very much a mutual

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effort.

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There's nothing that I'm talking about that I

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feel in any way makes me come across as, you
know, under condescension or whatever.

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Leah and I love each other very much and we
worked a lot on our relationship and on our

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communication, and I feel that she has never,
to me, come across as anything but loving and

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accepting.

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Leah: But that's the point.

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It's a couples podcast and you're going to get

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both persons perspectives.

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First of all, not just the autistic, and not

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just the neurotypical, but also what we, our
goal has been the whole time for you to get a

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glimpse into our real life and this is our
real interaction.

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If you are not with somebody who has autism,
you don't understand the fact that they often

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need to be prompted or that they need to be
reminded of things.

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And I get that that can come across as
sounding a certain way, but that's really just

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our life.

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So if you're interested in hearing our

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reality, then that's great and we welcome that
and we appreciate it.

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But if you're going to read into it things
that aren't there and just have a really

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negative perspective, but needlessly so and
not coming from a good place, then we don't

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need it.

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Moshe: Right.

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And the final point that I want to make on

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this, at least from my perspective, is that a
lot of the, I mean, there's a lot of really

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great content out there, both visual and
audio, when it comes to neurodiversity and

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autism.

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But a lot of it is probably produced to a

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certain extent.

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Certain bits are filtered out, certain clips

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are shortened, certain audio is cleaned up.

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If it's video, a lot of the video is edited

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with different tools, which is wonderful and
at least shows some very great content.

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And it seems very sleek and very, very well
put together.

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You'll notice that sometimes I'm clearing my
throat and you'll notice that we sometimes

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stutter a lot, a lot of ums and ah, sometimes
you'll hear police sirens or ambulances in the

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background and sometimes one of our children
will come in and slam the door or make some

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noise that we'll come across as, you know,
interruptions.

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And we do do some audio cleanup after the fact
just to make everything sound more crisp.

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But this is our life.

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This is our raw, to a certain extent, unedited

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life.

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And this is the interactions that Leah and I

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have.

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And it's just we don't have a script.

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We don't have consistent things that we cover
all the time because basically a lot of these

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episodes are off the cuff.

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We have general topics that we want to

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discuss, but mostly it's just us talking.

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Yep.

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Leah: So now that we've cleared that up, I
would like to get back on track with the

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topic.

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I just felt the need, you know, peaceful

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resolution.

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It kind of brought it up for me.

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I felt the need to just mention what's
actually going on versus what people may

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think.

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Because if you just want rah rah pro autism

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content, it's out there.

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But that's not this.

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I'm very pro autism.

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I'm very pro moshe.

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I'm very team Moshe.

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But you're going to hear both perspectives,

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and that's how that goes.

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Moshe: Right?
So I don't feel that Leah's ever been

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condescending with me.

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We did receive a really nice bit of feedback

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from somebody recently that expressed
appreciation for the work that we are doing to

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try and raise awareness on mixed neuro
functionality couples on adult autistics,

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which are still not necessarily well
documented in a lot of ways on late diagnosed

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autistics.

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And our experience throughout my life,

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especially from a younger age where I was
called everything from weird to quirky to

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absent minded to easily distracted to shy to a
drama queen.

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Leah: I love that you're shy.

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Moshe: So all the things that made no sense to
me when I was younger are now quite obvious

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too.

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And if you're an adult and you suspect that

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you might have autism or some sort of neuro
urgency, I would definitely recommend that you

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seek out a diagnosis because when I attempted
to seek out my diagnosis, I was discouraged

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from doing so.

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Because they said, you're an adult.

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What's the point?
There absolutely is a point because it answers

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a lot of questions that you may have spent
your entire life wondering.

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Leah: Right.

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And that was actually me.

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When you were discouraged, I said, no, no,
they owe you this.

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Moshe: Exactly.

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Leah: Okay, so back to the topic at hand.

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Let's talk about.

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Sorry about that.

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We went off on attendance.

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Let's talk about the autistic need to be
right.

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00:12:53,054 --> 00:12:55,262
Explain the autistic need to be right.

220
00:12:55,318 --> 00:12:58,554
I have write in quotations there, so.

221
00:12:58,854 --> 00:13:02,828
Moshe: It'S somewhat stereotypical but also
somewhat accurate.

222
00:13:02,996 --> 00:13:13,156
The many autistics think of life in terms of a
pattern, or the common comparison is a lineup

223
00:13:13,180 --> 00:13:14,260
of cars.

224
00:13:14,452 --> 00:13:17,036
And if one of the cars is slightly askew, or

225
00:13:17,060 --> 00:13:22,012
one of the cars is not in the right place, or
the red car is supposed to be in front of the

226
00:13:22,028 --> 00:13:26,324
blue car, but the blue car is in front of the
red car, then it.

227
00:13:26,404 --> 00:13:31,468
It seems almost instinctual or unconscious to
try and correct it.

228
00:13:31,636 --> 00:13:34,420
And oftentimes that is very helpful.

229
00:13:34,492 --> 00:13:37,572
For example, I've had jobs where I had to

230
00:13:37,628 --> 00:13:41,340
inspect or proofread application.

231
00:13:41,532 --> 00:13:42,772
And it's very good.

232
00:13:42,868 --> 00:13:48,196
It's a very useful skill for noticing
inconsistencies in your environment or

233
00:13:48,260 --> 00:13:54,630
noticing inconsistencies in a person, or
noticing things that the average person might

234
00:13:54,662 --> 00:13:55,294
overlook.

235
00:13:55,414 --> 00:13:57,622
We're really, really good at noticing when our

236
00:13:57,638 --> 00:14:01,514
partner got a new haircut, but it can
sometimes.

237
00:14:02,894 --> 00:14:06,350
Leah: Okay, so you need to really, actually,
let's delve into that.

238
00:14:06,462 --> 00:14:09,846
You're really, really good when noticing your
partner got a new haircut.

239
00:14:09,910 --> 00:14:12,510
Why?
Because people might be thinking it's like,

240
00:14:12,542 --> 00:14:12,870
oh, wow.

241
00:14:12,902 --> 00:14:14,278
You look so beautiful, darling.

242
00:14:14,366 --> 00:14:15,406
It's often not.

243
00:14:15,510 --> 00:14:17,350
It's, wow, you changed something, and that's

244
00:14:17,422 --> 00:14:19,114
not okay, right.

245
00:14:19,294 --> 00:14:20,410
Why did you do that?

246
00:14:20,482 --> 00:14:26,290
Moshe: It can have a negative, and that goes
into the need to see the world in terms of

247
00:14:26,322 --> 00:14:27,174
patterns.

248
00:14:27,474 --> 00:14:29,482
Sometimes that can be a really cool skill.

249
00:14:29,578 --> 00:14:34,402
Like, you're really good at math, or you're
very good at doing Rubik's cubes and stuff, or

250
00:14:34,418 --> 00:14:35,458
jigsaw puzzles.

251
00:14:35,586 --> 00:14:37,706
But sometimes it can just be really annoying,

252
00:14:37,810 --> 00:14:44,454
like in my case, or in the case of other
people, where something is not quite right and

253
00:14:45,044 --> 00:14:47,344
you feel the need to correct it.

254
00:14:47,884 --> 00:14:52,388
So you say that we have an appointment on

255
00:14:52,436 --> 00:14:53,824
Monday at five.

256
00:14:54,364 --> 00:14:57,356
And I say, actually, we have an appointment

257
00:14:57,460 --> 00:14:59,348
Monday at 510.

258
00:14:59,476 --> 00:15:00,052
Leah: Right.

259
00:15:00,188 --> 00:15:05,180
Moshe: And you say, why does it matter?
And I say, because it's ten minutes off.

260
00:15:05,292 --> 00:15:07,304
Leah: I know better than to say that.

261
00:15:07,644 --> 00:15:09,436
Moshe: Yeah, theoretically.

262
00:15:09,500 --> 00:15:11,372
Like, hypothetically speaking, that's kind of

263
00:15:11,388 --> 00:15:11,892
where it goes.

264
00:15:11,948 --> 00:15:13,324
Leah: I know better than to die on a hill.

265
00:15:13,364 --> 00:15:13,836
That dumb.

266
00:15:13,900 --> 00:15:14,568
True.

267
00:15:14,756 --> 00:15:16,528
Moshe: Now, there's a common.

268
00:15:16,656 --> 00:15:20,284
There's a common phrase that is often said.

269
00:15:20,904 --> 00:15:22,544
The struggling ambulance going by.

270
00:15:22,584 --> 00:15:26,004
Hopefully we'll filter it out post productive.

271
00:15:27,784 --> 00:15:34,288
There's been a propensity of emergency
vehicles on major thoroughfares in Jerusalem

272
00:15:34,376 --> 00:15:37,648
now, but also all over Israel.

273
00:15:37,696 --> 00:15:40,146
I really don't want to get into the political

274
00:15:40,210 --> 00:15:44,458
aspects of it, but if you've watched the news,
you know that the northern part of Israel,

275
00:15:44,506 --> 00:15:47,666
from mostly Tel Aviv north, is basically on
fire.

276
00:15:47,730 --> 00:15:48,386
Right.

277
00:15:48,570 --> 00:15:50,122
And they're having a very hard time

278
00:15:50,178 --> 00:15:52,914
controlling it because of consistent shelling.

279
00:15:53,074 --> 00:15:54,834
But that doesn't affect us.

280
00:15:54,954 --> 00:15:57,906
We can definitely discuss it at a later time.

281
00:15:58,010 --> 00:15:59,746
And I don't want to get into it because

282
00:15:59,850 --> 00:16:03,250
talking about Israel, it's a very
controversial topic.

283
00:16:03,402 --> 00:16:05,894
But back to why it's important to be right.

284
00:16:06,804 --> 00:16:08,500
Leah: So I do want to say something, actually.

285
00:16:08,572 --> 00:16:10,780
So let's flip this concept on its head.

286
00:16:10,932 --> 00:16:14,436
Everybody is very concerned about me being
controlling a view.

287
00:16:14,620 --> 00:16:19,940
If I want to change anything about my physical
appearance, there are steps.

288
00:16:19,972 --> 00:16:26,244
Now, you see, being with Moshe, it's not that
I can just go get a haircut and make that

289
00:16:26,284 --> 00:16:30,732
change and then have that be okay, because
that's actually not fair to his ability to,

290
00:16:30,788 --> 00:16:32,694
like, process visual input.

291
00:16:32,734 --> 00:16:34,046
So I have to prepare him.

292
00:16:34,070 --> 00:16:37,054
I have to say, okay, honey, I think I'm gonna
go get my hair cut.

293
00:16:37,214 --> 00:16:39,094
And then he'll say, why?
How much?

294
00:16:39,174 --> 00:16:41,998
How short are you gonna dye it?
Is it gonna change color?

295
00:16:42,166 --> 00:16:45,558
And that also could come across as very
controlling, but it's not.

296
00:16:45,606 --> 00:16:48,894
It's just me understanding his ability to
process.

297
00:16:49,054 --> 00:16:53,774
And it's better even if he can come with me
and watch them do the haircut, it's very

298
00:16:53,814 --> 00:16:54,394
important.

299
00:16:55,254 --> 00:16:56,806
And again, it's one of those things that can

300
00:16:56,830 --> 00:16:59,058
come across a way, but it's not that way at
all.

301
00:16:59,126 --> 00:17:03,346
And that is consistent through any physical
change that I would have to make.

302
00:17:03,450 --> 00:17:15,194
Moshe: The need to see things in identifiable
patterns is more than just a discomfort.

303
00:17:15,314 --> 00:17:20,490
It's actually an emotional reaction that a lot
of people who are not autistic or

304
00:17:20,522 --> 00:17:22,490
neurodivergent might not understand.

305
00:17:22,642 --> 00:17:26,586
Leah: Yeah, it's to the point where I'm curly
haired and if I straightened my hair, it would

306
00:17:26,610 --> 00:17:27,469
be an issue.

307
00:17:27,641 --> 00:17:31,273
Moshe: It would make me very upset for reasons
that most people wouldn't understand.

308
00:17:31,573 --> 00:17:37,317
But it really just comes down to this is how
you look and you changed your look, and now I

309
00:17:37,365 --> 00:17:39,833
don't know what to do with this information.

310
00:17:40,293 --> 00:17:42,953
So it comes across as a very emotional thing.

311
00:17:43,333 --> 00:17:49,149
And that's not to say that it's not allowed,
because the thing that I want to consistently

312
00:17:49,221 --> 00:17:53,821
say, in addition to the whole thing about this
being one autistic, and it doesn't reflect the

313
00:17:53,837 --> 00:18:00,938
greater autistic communities such as they are,
but that the things that are associated with

314
00:18:00,986 --> 00:18:05,922
neurodiversity and autism are not barriers,
they're obstacles.

315
00:18:05,978 --> 00:18:12,082
And obstacles can be overcome in the way that
Leah said where I want to get a haircut, I

316
00:18:12,098 --> 00:18:15,370
need to get a haircut, I'm going to change
some aspect of my life.

317
00:18:15,522 --> 00:18:20,682
So I'm going to prepare you in advance so, you
know, and if possible, I'm going to allow you

318
00:18:20,698 --> 00:18:26,040
to be present so that you can see the change
happen right on an ongoing basis and the end

319
00:18:26,072 --> 00:18:26,528
result.

320
00:18:26,656 --> 00:18:30,704
Leah: And that's not me being controlled,
that's me understanding that I can do it one

321
00:18:30,744 --> 00:18:36,912
way and have a much easier result, or I can,
you know, sort of be difficult about it, do it

322
00:18:36,928 --> 00:18:41,048
the way I want to, and then have a whole
confrontation later when it can just be sort

323
00:18:41,056 --> 00:18:42,048
of worked up to.

324
00:18:42,176 --> 00:18:46,472
And that's me deciding to make him and, you

325
00:18:46,488 --> 00:18:49,918
know, in retrospect, the rest of us all more
comfortable.

326
00:18:50,096 --> 00:18:54,090
Moshe: And to the outside observer, a lot of
these things, because they don't end here,

327
00:18:54,122 --> 00:18:59,314
unfortunately, can come across as showing me
to be very controlling.

328
00:18:59,474 --> 00:19:05,946
One of the things that Leah and I struggled
with early on and continue to struggle with

329
00:19:06,090 --> 00:19:08,134
are the concept of transitions.

330
00:19:08,594 --> 00:19:11,570
I have a big issue with transitions, which is

331
00:19:11,642 --> 00:19:13,802
not uncommon for autistics.

332
00:19:13,898 --> 00:19:16,856
You definitely want to prepare them in advance

333
00:19:16,920 --> 00:19:21,992
because sudden changes are not always taken
very well.

334
00:19:22,048 --> 00:19:28,484
But that continues to the extent of if we're
sitting together and she gets up.

335
00:19:28,864 --> 00:19:34,144
She now knows that she'll usually say, I'm
just going to go to the bathroom, or I'm going

336
00:19:34,144 --> 00:19:35,888
to go to the kitchen and check on supper.

337
00:19:36,016 --> 00:19:37,232
Because I used to be like, where are you

338
00:19:37,248 --> 00:19:37,880
going?
What are you doing?

339
00:19:37,912 --> 00:19:40,256
What's happening?
Because it's a sudden change.

340
00:19:40,360 --> 00:19:41,840
She was sitting, and now she's standing.

341
00:19:41,872 --> 00:19:42,520
What's going on?

342
00:19:42,552 --> 00:19:46,564
Is she going to do something?
You know, like, what's happening?

343
00:19:46,724 --> 00:19:51,644
Leah: And when Moshe was a younger man, much
younger man with less self control, he would

344
00:19:51,684 --> 00:19:55,444
actually just literally, physically grab me
and throw me back into the sofa.

345
00:19:55,524 --> 00:20:01,228
Moshe: Right?
And so now she will tell me where she's going.

346
00:20:01,276 --> 00:20:08,172
And sometimes she will do something that comes
across as, to the outside observer, as asking

347
00:20:08,228 --> 00:20:08,588
permission.

348
00:20:08,636 --> 00:20:10,656
But it's not actually asking permission.

349
00:20:10,820 --> 00:20:13,040
It's mostly just telling permission.

350
00:20:13,232 --> 00:20:15,192
Something like, I'm going to go check on the

351
00:20:15,208 --> 00:20:15,376
dinner.

352
00:20:15,400 --> 00:20:16,368
Is that okay?

353
00:20:16,536 --> 00:20:18,752
And then the answer will always be yes.

354
00:20:18,848 --> 00:20:22,696
Leah: But the is that okay?
Isn't okay if I go, it's, are you okay?

355
00:20:22,800 --> 00:20:24,928
Do you need me to do something before I go do
that?

356
00:20:24,976 --> 00:20:25,472
Moshe: Exactly.

357
00:20:25,528 --> 00:20:25,848
It's.

358
00:20:25,896 --> 00:20:28,896
Leah: It's. It comes across very different
than what it is.

359
00:20:29,000 --> 00:20:32,324
Again, we could probably do a whole episode
about just this.

360
00:20:32,704 --> 00:20:36,964
And it kind of seems like this episode is
turning into an episode about this.

361
00:20:38,384 --> 00:20:46,560
Moshe: The idea of peaceful resolution and the
need to be right feeds into them, because it

362
00:20:46,592 --> 00:20:51,424
very much is about, you were supposed to be
sitting, and now you're standing.

363
00:20:51,504 --> 00:20:52,384
What's changed?

364
00:20:52,424 --> 00:20:56,888
Leah: Yes. Hence they literally grabbing me by
the pants and shoving me back into the seat.

365
00:20:56,936 --> 00:20:58,368
Moshe: Your hair was supposed to look like
this.

366
00:20:58,416 --> 00:20:59,344
Now it doesn't.

367
00:20:59,464 --> 00:21:00,844
What's wrong with this?

368
00:21:01,744 --> 00:21:07,504
And it works reversely, too, because we do
have neurodiverse children.

369
00:21:07,884 --> 00:21:13,500
And if I change some aspect of myself, or one
of them changes some aspect of themselves.

370
00:21:13,612 --> 00:21:17,324
Leah: Do you remember when I cut your hair
overnight and royal woke up the next morning?

371
00:21:17,484 --> 00:21:18,132
Moshe: It takes.

372
00:21:18,188 --> 00:21:19,820
Yeah, she was not cool.

373
00:21:19,892 --> 00:21:23,744
It takes a day or two for them to be like, I'm
not okay with this.

374
00:21:24,244 --> 00:21:26,044
I need to figure this out.

375
00:21:26,204 --> 00:21:29,316
And heaven forbid I would trim my beard or

376
00:21:29,340 --> 00:21:31,466
shave my beard or something to that.

377
00:21:31,660 --> 00:21:33,590
If they can see my lip, it's going to be like

378
00:21:33,622 --> 00:21:34,270
a whole week.

379
00:21:34,342 --> 00:21:34,806
Leah: Oh, yeah.

380
00:21:34,830 --> 00:21:35,966
No, Raya can't handle it.

381
00:21:35,990 --> 00:21:37,806
If she can see her lip, that's the end of it.

382
00:21:37,830 --> 00:21:39,630
Like, she won't even look at you till it grows

383
00:21:39,662 --> 00:21:40,070
back.

384
00:21:40,182 --> 00:21:43,502
Moshe: So it's very much about the need to be
right.

385
00:21:43,558 --> 00:21:50,994
And the need to be right can sound like, you
said a thing and you're wrong, but it's also

386
00:21:51,374 --> 00:21:56,940
the need to believe that what you're currently
experiencing will be consistent forevermore.

387
00:21:57,062 --> 00:22:00,664
And if it changes, there needs to be
preparation for that.

388
00:22:00,704 --> 00:22:03,880
So that's off topic, but not necessarily off
topic.

389
00:22:03,952 --> 00:22:04,256
Leah: Right.

390
00:22:04,320 --> 00:22:06,136
So again, one of the things that I have

391
00:22:06,160 --> 00:22:11,896
written down here is that an autistic will
fight the need to be right, even if they know

392
00:22:11,920 --> 00:22:13,640
they're not right, or if it's unrealistic.

393
00:22:13,752 --> 00:22:15,968
Because it protects their self esteem.

394
00:22:16,096 --> 00:22:16,592
Moshe: Yes.

395
00:22:16,688 --> 00:22:21,056
Leah: Because the way that an autistic
experiences the world often will lead itself

396
00:22:21,120 --> 00:22:23,844
to, how do I put this?
Non reality.

397
00:22:24,004 --> 00:22:24,548
Moshe: Yeah.

398
00:22:24,636 --> 00:22:28,524
Leah: And they know this, and they wonder
often, am I right about this?

399
00:22:28,564 --> 00:22:30,524
Is this true?
Is this really happening?

400
00:22:30,644 --> 00:22:34,564
So sort of fighting to be right and saying,
no, no, I would write about this one, not you.

401
00:22:34,604 --> 00:22:36,916
It's sort of a protection to their self
esteem.

402
00:22:36,980 --> 00:22:37,836
So this is a bit of a.

403
00:22:37,860 --> 00:22:40,824
Moshe: Different concept than what we were
just discussing.

404
00:22:41,124 --> 00:22:44,988
This feeds into the concept, a bunch of
different things.

405
00:22:45,036 --> 00:22:50,892
You're talking about a different way of taking
in information that you see, that you hear,

406
00:22:51,068 --> 00:22:52,104
that you experience.

407
00:22:52,414 --> 00:22:54,974
This feeds into a processing delay.

408
00:22:55,134 --> 00:23:04,870
This feeds into a, you know, a consistent
understanding where you exist in the world and

409
00:23:04,902 --> 00:23:09,982
your sense of self, which is often changing
because of the need to mask.

410
00:23:10,038 --> 00:23:13,414
And sometimes the masks get mixed up a little
bit.

411
00:23:13,574 --> 00:23:18,490
So the way it looks is this, as an autistic, I
have a processing delay.

412
00:23:18,622 --> 00:23:27,074
Someone will talk to me about something,
they'll give me information, and I will hear

413
00:23:27,114 --> 00:23:33,934
the information, but sometimes I won't take in
the information, so I will acknowledge it.

414
00:23:35,114 --> 00:23:38,282
We'll skip over the times when it's not
acknowledged, because those are very overt and

415
00:23:38,298 --> 00:23:38,746
knowledge like.

416
00:23:38,770 --> 00:23:39,418
Are you listening?

417
00:23:39,466 --> 00:23:40,418
You're clearly not.

418
00:23:40,506 --> 00:23:41,514
Let's try again.

419
00:23:41,674 --> 00:23:45,954
But you take in the information, you
acknowledge the information.

420
00:23:46,414 --> 00:23:49,094
Moshe, tomorrow morning at 09:00 a.m. we have
an appointment.

421
00:23:49,214 --> 00:23:50,754
Okay, sure, no problem.

422
00:23:51,254 --> 00:23:53,750
Information taken in, information

423
00:23:53,862 --> 00:23:59,246
acknowledged, and then information immediately
forgotten, either forgotten or just kind of

424
00:23:59,270 --> 00:24:04,594
floating there, waiting for the brain to sort
of grab it and start putting it place in.

425
00:24:05,014 --> 00:24:13,700
So you end up on a very small scale with a
scenario where the next morning you wake me

426
00:24:13,732 --> 00:24:16,148
up, you say, we have to go to our appointment.

427
00:24:16,196 --> 00:24:18,244
And I say, what appointment?

428
00:24:18,364 --> 00:24:21,384
And you say, the appointment that I told you
about yesterday.

429
00:24:21,684 --> 00:24:25,784
Now, this is where something really
interesting happens.

430
00:24:26,204 --> 00:24:29,824
My brain will go, did she tell me about the
appointment?

431
00:24:30,444 --> 00:24:34,700
My first instinct will be no, because I didn't
remember it.

432
00:24:34,732 --> 00:24:36,340
So she must not have told me.

433
00:24:36,412 --> 00:24:36,932
Leah: Right?

434
00:24:37,068 --> 00:24:41,892
Moshe: And in a previous incarnation, my
response would be, you never told me that we

435
00:24:41,908 --> 00:24:42,944
had an appointment.

436
00:24:43,404 --> 00:24:45,660
Now, I know that for a variety of reasons.

437
00:24:45,772 --> 00:24:50,124
Leah: Well, I mean, my response to that would
be, would I make up the fact that I told you?

438
00:24:50,244 --> 00:24:53,436
Moshe: Right?
But this is where we get into the concept of

439
00:24:53,460 --> 00:24:55,644
self preservation and protecting your self
esteem.

440
00:24:55,764 --> 00:25:02,156
Because either she didn't tell me, in which
case I'm right, or she did tell me and I

441
00:25:02,180 --> 00:25:08,236
didn't remember, in which case there's
something wrong with me and it's in the mind's

442
00:25:08,300 --> 00:25:14,044
instinct to try and protect itself as an
unconscious reflex.

443
00:25:14,204 --> 00:25:20,300
So it makes much more sense that she did tell
me and I simply forgot.

444
00:25:20,452 --> 00:25:25,612
Logically, that's likely the case, but in
terms of my own ability to process

445
00:25:25,708 --> 00:25:31,728
information, especially if you're autistic and
not fully comfortable with it, it's far better

446
00:25:31,896 --> 00:25:38,032
for you to acknowledge in your mind that she
must not have told me because it's not

447
00:25:38,088 --> 00:25:40,768
possible that I could have not absorbed that.

448
00:25:40,856 --> 00:25:45,248
Leah: And this is very, it gets into actually
a really complicated thing, which is every

449
00:25:45,296 --> 00:25:51,144
topic we talk about, as I keep saying, haha,
where I actually had to, I would get angry

450
00:25:51,184 --> 00:25:53,120
because I'd be like, why would you even say
that to me?

451
00:25:53,152 --> 00:25:54,784
Obviously I told you, this is so dumb.

452
00:25:54,824 --> 00:25:58,264
Like, and then it eventually led into one day

453
00:25:58,724 --> 00:26:03,300
me going, like, why?
Why is it so important to you to be right

454
00:26:03,332 --> 00:26:06,116
about this?
And then you explaining that to me and me

455
00:26:06,140 --> 00:26:11,484
going, you know, sometimes you can just make a
mistake and it doesn't mean that there's

456
00:26:11,524 --> 00:26:12,748
anything wrong with you.

457
00:26:12,876 --> 00:26:15,116
We can just own our mistakes and move on with

458
00:26:15,140 --> 00:26:15,724
our day.

459
00:26:15,844 --> 00:26:22,450
Moshe: Right?
And that is a result of trust that you have to

460
00:26:22,482 --> 00:26:23,574
have with the person.

461
00:26:23,874 --> 00:26:26,826
A result of a lifetime, pretty much, of

462
00:26:26,890 --> 00:26:34,242
constantly not remembering things, constantly
being wrong, and constantly being chastised

463
00:26:34,418 --> 00:26:37,378
for not acknowledging things that happen.

464
00:26:37,466 --> 00:26:41,098
Leah: But what you needed was somebody to say,
well, yeah, you're wrong, but it doesn't

465
00:26:41,146 --> 00:26:41,734
matter.

466
00:26:42,234 --> 00:26:42,978
Who cares?

467
00:26:43,026 --> 00:26:45,690
We're still going to get to our appointment on
time, right?

468
00:26:45,762 --> 00:26:48,556
And that's ultimately where we both had to end
up.

469
00:26:48,730 --> 00:26:52,704
Moshe: Right?
So the question then becomes, is it more

470
00:26:52,744 --> 00:26:57,256
important for you to be right about the fact
that I didn't tell you, or is more important

471
00:26:57,360 --> 00:27:02,016
for you to acknowledge that I did tell you,
you didn't remember, and then we go to our

472
00:27:02,040 --> 00:27:02,432
appointment.

473
00:27:02,488 --> 00:27:03,400
Leah: Exactly.

474
00:27:03,592 --> 00:27:08,084
Moshe: Would you be willing to miss this
appointment based solely on the premise that.

475
00:27:08,384 --> 00:27:14,876
Leah: You are right, which I am ashamed to
admit we have done many times because we were

476
00:27:14,900 --> 00:27:17,420
fighting over the issue of, well, why would
you say that to me?

477
00:27:17,452 --> 00:27:18,716
Because I clearly said it.

478
00:27:18,820 --> 00:27:20,904
Well, no, you didn't, because I'm right.

479
00:27:22,364 --> 00:27:24,932
It's communication that legitimately took a
lot.

480
00:27:24,948 --> 00:27:30,064
Moshe: Of work, it's communication, and it
involves a great deal of trust.

481
00:27:30,444 --> 00:27:40,452
And a lot of me, a lot of me going, obviously
she's right, because this is the exact kind of

482
00:27:40,468 --> 00:27:41,704
thing that I would forget.

483
00:27:42,164 --> 00:27:44,784
And because she's right, I must be wrong.

484
00:27:45,124 --> 00:27:48,260
But ultimately that doesn't matter, right?

485
00:27:48,372 --> 00:27:53,252
Leah: And that comes with trust big time,
because that requires for you to trust that

486
00:27:53,268 --> 00:27:57,260
I'm not going to berate you or make fun of you
or say something like, oh, you're such a,

487
00:27:57,292 --> 00:27:58,580
like, absent minded professor.

488
00:27:58,612 --> 00:28:02,884
Of course you forgot again, that rests solely

489
00:28:02,924 --> 00:28:06,580
in your ability to trust that I'll say, you
know, it doesn't matter, let's just get ready

490
00:28:06,612 --> 00:28:07,344
and go.

491
00:28:07,664 --> 00:28:14,232
Moshe: It's a lifetime of constantly being
chastised for not being able to process

492
00:28:14,328 --> 00:28:22,248
information, and it really lends itself to a
much more healthy upbringing that comes from,

493
00:28:22,336 --> 00:28:27,280
if possible, early diagnosis and mechanisms
that you put in place where you teach the

494
00:28:27,312 --> 00:28:31,832
child that they're often wrong and it actually
doesn't matter that much.

495
00:28:31,888 --> 00:28:33,714
Leah: Yep, I think so.

496
00:28:33,904 --> 00:28:41,590
Moshe: And it's actually really important for
them to grow up with a sense of comfort, with

497
00:28:41,622 --> 00:28:48,046
the fact that they do have genuine
disabilities that are okay.

498
00:28:48,110 --> 00:28:53,358
And it means that everyone loves and considers
their feelings and cares about them anyway.

499
00:28:53,406 --> 00:28:55,574
Leah: Right?
Because that's another thing that everybody

500
00:28:55,654 --> 00:29:00,302
that listens to the podcast really should
understand, is that when we got together as a

501
00:29:00,318 --> 00:29:05,306
couple in this current incarnation, you were a
fully grown man on your own who had been on

502
00:29:05,330 --> 00:29:10,474
your own for a very long time, and you had
ways of dealing with things, and you were like

503
00:29:10,514 --> 00:29:17,746
fully formed, kind of, but not because the
full formation was a mask and we had to

504
00:29:17,810 --> 00:29:21,578
literally get through all of those layers of
protection you built around yourself.

505
00:29:21,706 --> 00:29:26,426
Having been a single man, a single father on
your own, having to pay everything, having to

506
00:29:26,450 --> 00:29:31,206
work, having to do all these things while not
being able to process anything in order for us

507
00:29:31,230 --> 00:29:35,394
to get down to you being able to be in a
functional partnership.

508
00:29:35,774 --> 00:29:40,670
But it looked to me and to everyone else
around you that you are just this really

509
00:29:40,742 --> 00:29:41,894
functional man.

510
00:29:42,054 --> 00:29:44,094
So why would we need to work on anything?

511
00:29:44,174 --> 00:29:48,030
Why wouldn't I just take your word for things?
Why wouldn't I just, just.

512
00:29:48,222 --> 00:29:53,514
And a lot of times that unfortunately looks
like abuse and or gaslighting to the partner.

513
00:29:53,894 --> 00:29:54,606
Moshe: Yeah.

514
00:29:54,750 --> 00:29:57,606
Leah: Because times would be where I would
just be like, you know what?

515
00:29:57,630 --> 00:29:58,190
I must be wrong.

516
00:29:58,222 --> 00:30:00,718
It doesn't matter, because again, functional

517
00:30:00,806 --> 00:30:07,830
human male, driver's license, apartment, job,
child that, you know, he raised and didn't

518
00:30:07,862 --> 00:30:09,902
die, like functional male.

519
00:30:10,038 --> 00:30:11,902
So people from the outside and even me would

520
00:30:11,918 --> 00:30:15,462
say, well, why are you fighting about these
basic little things?

521
00:30:15,598 --> 00:30:18,966
Essentially, what I'm trying to tell you is
the moshe that you hear now is not the moshe

522
00:30:18,990 --> 00:30:20,494
of two and three years ago.

523
00:30:20,654 --> 00:30:21,354
No.

524
00:30:21,734 --> 00:30:31,690
Moshe: And it involves a lot of tug of war
because you get into the duality of

525
00:30:31,802 --> 00:30:35,494
correctness versus expediency.

526
00:30:36,274 --> 00:30:38,970
I'm right because you didn't tell me about the

527
00:30:39,002 --> 00:30:39,778
appointment.

528
00:30:39,946 --> 00:30:41,522
You know that I'm wrong.

529
00:30:41,698 --> 00:30:48,170
But is it more important to prove to you that
you're right and I'm wrong than it is to

530
00:30:48,202 --> 00:30:52,362
simply acknowledge that it's possible that you
might be wrong, even though that you know that

531
00:30:52,378 --> 00:30:54,582
you're not?
In order to move past this?

532
00:30:54,718 --> 00:30:59,854
And does it really matter?
Or is it important enough that it needs to be

533
00:30:59,934 --> 00:31:04,646
proven to me that I'm actually mistaken in
order to advance myself?

534
00:31:04,830 --> 00:31:07,054
And meanwhile, the appointment is now.

535
00:31:07,214 --> 00:31:09,886
Leah: Right?
So it was a combination.

536
00:31:10,030 --> 00:31:11,742
And I'll explain it to you.

537
00:31:11,918 --> 00:31:16,662
At first, as a logical human person, I put a

538
00:31:16,678 --> 00:31:19,930
lot of my own feelings aside of feeling like
gaslit.

539
00:31:19,962 --> 00:31:25,154
And I know, like, I know that I was right
there, but it doesn't really matter.

540
00:31:25,274 --> 00:31:30,066
And then I would push them down and push them
down and push them down until they had to be

541
00:31:30,170 --> 00:31:31,050
acknowledged.

542
00:31:31,202 --> 00:31:33,634
Like, hey, moshe, I know that you're this big

543
00:31:33,674 --> 00:31:35,654
man or whatever, but you're wrong.

544
00:31:36,674 --> 00:31:39,946
So that's where you can't really do that.

545
00:31:39,970 --> 00:31:41,842
It's not a good long term solution.

546
00:31:42,018 --> 00:31:45,698
The long term solution for us was that we both

547
00:31:45,746 --> 00:31:47,430
had to come sort of halfway.

548
00:31:47,602 --> 00:31:49,502
You had to say, like, okay, I can be wrong,

549
00:31:49,558 --> 00:31:52,434
and I had to say, okay, you can be wrong and
it doesn't matter.

550
00:31:52,734 --> 00:31:54,854
And that's where we had to land.

551
00:31:55,014 --> 00:31:57,510
But me saying, no, no, you were right, was

552
00:31:57,542 --> 00:32:00,694
just me pushing down my feelings and it wasn't
a good long term solution.

553
00:32:00,854 --> 00:32:04,726
And you thinking that you're wrong all the
time just because you're you also isn't a good

554
00:32:04,750 --> 00:32:05,834
long term solution.

555
00:32:06,454 --> 00:32:11,710
Moshe: And I mean, this is a topic that we'll
definitely discuss in, in a future episode.

556
00:32:11,782 --> 00:32:15,396
And I'm going to bring it up a few times
because it's something that I actually have

557
00:32:15,420 --> 00:32:16,940
very strong feelings about.

558
00:32:17,092 --> 00:32:19,756
And that is the concept of accommodation.

559
00:32:19,940 --> 00:32:24,508
What is too little accommodation, but what is
too much accommodation?

560
00:32:24,676 --> 00:32:31,300
And unfortunately, through my own research and
experience and life living, I've come across a

561
00:32:31,332 --> 00:32:40,644
lot of mixed neurodiversity couples where the
relationship is consistent about what they

562
00:32:40,684 --> 00:32:42,196
consider to be loved.

563
00:32:42,290 --> 00:32:46,088
But the love itself is very much about over

564
00:32:46,136 --> 00:32:49,044
accommodation, acceptance.

565
00:32:49,384 --> 00:32:53,416
And again, long term studies may or may not

566
00:32:53,480 --> 00:32:58,488
prove it, but I believe in the end resentment
just has to eventually exist.

567
00:32:58,576 --> 00:33:03,712
Leah: Yes. Again, this is a thing that may or
may not earn me fans, but my personality is

568
00:33:03,728 --> 00:33:07,492
such that I can only accommodate, like,
pretend stuff for so long.

569
00:33:07,688 --> 00:33:11,260
And that ended up being really good in our
relationship, but also very painful.

570
00:33:11,292 --> 00:33:13,028
There were a lot of big growing pains.

571
00:33:13,076 --> 00:33:14,596
While we had to work through that.

572
00:33:14,740 --> 00:33:22,184
Moshe: For a long time, I. Okay, so a bit of a
sidetracked story.

573
00:33:23,004 --> 00:33:29,284
At another incarnation of my life, I became a
continuing carried, which is known in variety

574
00:33:29,324 --> 00:33:33,656
of circles as PCW, personal care worker, or.

575
00:33:33,700 --> 00:33:35,736
Or home support or.

576
00:33:35,760 --> 00:33:37,032
Anyway, it's called.

577
00:33:37,168 --> 00:33:39,872
Basically, you're the kind of person either

578
00:33:39,928 --> 00:33:45,728
working in an institution or at home, that
helps people who are unable to with

579
00:33:45,776 --> 00:33:50,704
functionality, from personal care to cooking
and cleaning.

580
00:33:50,864 --> 00:34:01,252
And I work almost consistently in the presence
of people with late stage dementia for a

581
00:34:01,268 --> 00:34:02,484
variety of reasons.

582
00:34:02,604 --> 00:34:04,980
Some of it was actually incredibly selfish

583
00:34:05,172 --> 00:34:10,620
because consistently, most people in
institutions requiring care were women.

584
00:34:10,812 --> 00:34:15,260
And at that stage in their life, they don't
really know where they are, let alone was

585
00:34:15,292 --> 00:34:15,996
looking after them.

586
00:34:16,020 --> 00:34:17,892
And that was really the only way that they

587
00:34:17,908 --> 00:34:20,220
could get me enough experience to do my job.

588
00:34:20,372 --> 00:34:23,620
But as a consequence of that, I ended up

589
00:34:23,652 --> 00:34:27,682
dealing with people at various stages of
Alzheimer's and other forms, forms of

590
00:34:27,698 --> 00:34:32,554
dementia, to the point that I legitimately
started believing that I must have dementia

591
00:34:32,594 --> 00:34:36,338
because a lot of my symptoms were very much
the same as theirs.

592
00:34:36,506 --> 00:34:41,010
And there was big plaques on the wall in one
facility that I worked at that said, while

593
00:34:41,042 --> 00:34:48,018
you're on this ward, you live in there, and it
is a way of protecting their ability to

594
00:34:48,066 --> 00:34:52,014
recognize that they are, unfortunately, slowly
losing their mind.

595
00:34:52,354 --> 00:34:57,501
And if someone walks up to you and says,
someone walked up to me once and said, do you

596
00:34:57,517 --> 00:35:03,029
still have the goat that I sold you?
Now, this was in the early two thousands in a.

597
00:35:03,101 --> 00:35:08,661
In a long term care facility, right, with no
goats to be seen anywhere.

598
00:35:08,837 --> 00:35:13,421
And the proper response would have been, in
this instance, to say, you didn't sell me a

599
00:35:13,437 --> 00:35:14,021
goat.

600
00:35:14,157 --> 00:35:16,621
You were a 95 year old woman, right.

601
00:35:16,717 --> 00:35:19,889
And you do not live on a farm.

602
00:35:20,061 --> 00:35:21,994
But the response that we were supposed to give

603
00:35:22,034 --> 00:35:23,666
is, yes, I do have it.

604
00:35:23,730 --> 00:35:24,258
Leah: It's at home.

605
00:35:24,306 --> 00:35:25,174
Moshe: It's at home.

606
00:35:25,514 --> 00:35:26,554
Thank you very much.

607
00:35:26,594 --> 00:35:29,258
And then you move on and continue your rounds.

608
00:35:29,306 --> 00:35:34,690
Leah: And I full on know that about somebody
with dementia, but my husband, who by all

609
00:35:34,722 --> 00:35:39,410
accounts a fully functional human being and
totally capable of not being that way, because

610
00:35:39,522 --> 00:35:42,794
I understand why you thought you were
demented, but you absolutely weren't.

611
00:35:42,874 --> 00:35:43,210
Moshe: No.

612
00:35:43,282 --> 00:35:46,454
Leah: It was just because you have autism and
AdHD.

613
00:35:46,964 --> 00:35:48,340
It's even worse because they're.

614
00:35:48,372 --> 00:35:50,212
They're oppositional to each other.

615
00:35:50,388 --> 00:35:51,868
Autism seeks comfort.

616
00:35:51,916 --> 00:35:53,708
ADHD seeks novelty.

617
00:35:53,876 --> 00:35:56,220
You know, autism doesn't want to be touched so
much.

618
00:35:56,252 --> 00:35:58,828
Adhd touch everything like it's there.

619
00:35:58,996 --> 00:36:01,564
So of course, how is your brain gonna, like,

620
00:36:01,684 --> 00:36:03,908
process things if you are stuck in that?

621
00:36:04,076 --> 00:36:08,196
Moshe: It was very upsetting for me to
believe, for I'll be in a very short period of

622
00:36:08,220 --> 00:36:11,476
time that I was dying of dementia, honey.

623
00:36:11,620 --> 00:36:14,954
Because I was also constantly forgetting

624
00:36:15,084 --> 00:36:16,766
things that I should remember.

625
00:36:16,910 --> 00:36:20,014
People were constantly telling me that I did

626
00:36:20,054 --> 00:36:22,462
things that I don't remember doing or that I
didn't do things.

627
00:36:22,518 --> 00:36:23,838
I swear that I did.

628
00:36:24,006 --> 00:36:26,582
I wasn't able to retain information that

629
00:36:26,598 --> 00:36:31,966
people just told me I would forget people,
places and names constantly.

630
00:36:32,150 --> 00:36:35,646
And I believe that there was something
drastically wrong with me.

631
00:36:35,710 --> 00:36:40,794
Leah: Yes. And people can misdiagnose your
situation as a whole bunch of things.

632
00:36:41,254 --> 00:36:43,550
I've had people tell me that they think you're
schizophrenic.

633
00:36:43,582 --> 00:36:45,534
I've had people tell me that they think you're
bipolar.

634
00:36:45,574 --> 00:36:49,070
I've had people tell me that they think all
kinds of things about you because of that

635
00:36:49,102 --> 00:36:50,554
oppositional behavior.

636
00:36:51,654 --> 00:36:53,990
And the reality is he was diagnosed by an

637
00:36:54,022 --> 00:36:55,022
accredited professional.

638
00:36:55,078 --> 00:36:56,446
He's none of those things.

639
00:36:56,590 --> 00:36:56,870
Moshe: Right.

640
00:36:56,902 --> 00:36:59,046
Leah: But I can see why you would entertain
them.

641
00:36:59,230 --> 00:37:06,006
Moshe: But I was non diagnosed for a long time
and I'd love to get into it in more detail at

642
00:37:06,030 --> 00:37:06,810
some point.

643
00:37:06,982 --> 00:37:13,082
But I was very defiant, as is the tendency of

644
00:37:13,178 --> 00:37:14,034
what we're discussing.

645
00:37:14,074 --> 00:37:17,434
And I would often have meltdowns when I was

646
00:37:17,474 --> 00:37:20,610
not able to process things.

647
00:37:20,802 --> 00:37:22,986
And rather than acknowledging it and

648
00:37:23,050 --> 00:37:28,754
attempting to, you know, work with it, they
tried to end it.

649
00:37:28,874 --> 00:37:34,610
So I was given antidepressants, I was given
sedatives, I was given antipsychotics.

650
00:37:34,682 --> 00:37:41,678
I was given things that essentially made me
placid, suggestible, and easy to deal with.

651
00:37:41,806 --> 00:37:48,046
Because when you're having an overt reaction
to over stimulation, instead of working with

652
00:37:48,070 --> 00:37:53,046
the person, you give them pills that will
essentially turn them into zombies so that

653
00:37:53,070 --> 00:37:54,630
they're easier to work with.

654
00:37:54,822 --> 00:37:55,838
Leah: That's really sad.

655
00:37:55,886 --> 00:37:57,430
And that's actually a whole episode.

656
00:37:57,462 --> 00:37:59,022
I think I'm going to write that down today.

657
00:37:59,118 --> 00:38:02,200
We're going to talk about that, because again,

658
00:38:02,312 --> 00:38:06,064
one of the nicest things that I've ever heard
about you is, what's wrong with him?

659
00:38:06,224 --> 00:38:09,344
There's a whole host of other things there.

660
00:38:09,384 --> 00:38:13,912
Moshe: There's actually, and again, I don't
want to get into the political nature of it,

661
00:38:14,048 --> 00:38:18,528
but there's a particular, we'll call it a
commercial that was put out by a certain

662
00:38:18,576 --> 00:38:26,056
organization that treats autism essentially
like a demon, like a devil, like a disease.

663
00:38:26,240 --> 00:38:30,588
It's a well known advertisement, and I don't
need to mention the organization.

664
00:38:30,716 --> 00:38:31,700
Leah: They speak too much.

665
00:38:31,732 --> 00:38:32,764
We'll put it that way.

666
00:38:32,884 --> 00:38:35,596
They overly speak and they treat, they.

667
00:38:35,620 --> 00:38:40,924
Moshe: Treat autism and other neurodivergency
from the perspective of it being an

668
00:38:40,964 --> 00:38:44,268
inconvenience and a scourge that must be
destroyed.

669
00:38:44,356 --> 00:38:44,972
Leah: Oh, no.

670
00:38:45,068 --> 00:38:51,236
Moshe: And they make no, no qualms about
stating that their goal is to cure autism as

671
00:38:51,260 --> 00:38:51,828
much as possible.

672
00:38:51,876 --> 00:38:56,356
Leah: The only cure for autism is, you know,
not having any more autistics.

673
00:38:56,540 --> 00:38:58,304
It's not a good thought.

674
00:38:58,604 --> 00:39:03,532
Moshe: And I mean, we can discuss the
logistics of whether or not it's reasonable to

675
00:39:03,588 --> 00:39:05,972
have children with a high incidence of having
autism.

676
00:39:06,028 --> 00:39:07,904
But, I mean, that's neither here nor there.

677
00:39:08,844 --> 00:39:11,876
So let's talk more about peaceful resolution.

678
00:39:11,980 --> 00:39:15,620
Leah: Right?
So emotions, how do emotions affect a healthy

679
00:39:15,652 --> 00:39:17,940
disagreement?
So when we're talking about healthy

680
00:39:17,972 --> 00:39:21,736
disagreement, I want to say not one of the
you're wrong, I was wrong, you're right,

681
00:39:21,760 --> 00:39:24,088
you're right, blah, blah, blah, but a healthy
disagreement.

682
00:39:24,136 --> 00:39:29,360
So let's say I think that one, the children
should go to one school and I feel strongly

683
00:39:29,392 --> 00:39:29,720
about that.

684
00:39:29,752 --> 00:39:31,352
And you think one of the children should go to

685
00:39:31,368 --> 00:39:33,416
a different school and you feel strongly about
that.

686
00:39:33,440 --> 00:39:35,424
And we're having a discourse about that.

687
00:39:35,584 --> 00:39:38,872
How would emotional response affect something

688
00:39:38,928 --> 00:39:39,724
like that?

689
00:39:40,104 --> 00:39:46,726
Moshe: So autistic people are by their very
nature in most cases, and if this is not the

690
00:39:46,750 --> 00:39:50,182
case for you, then, you know, it's not the
case and good on you for it.

691
00:39:50,318 --> 00:39:56,750
But it has a lot to do with overstimulation
and oversensitization to various things.

692
00:39:56,902 --> 00:40:02,526
And emotion is a very stimulating experience
when you're happy, when you're sad, when

693
00:40:02,550 --> 00:40:04,614
you're scared, when you're nervous, when
you're upset.

694
00:40:04,774 --> 00:40:11,696
And just like an autistic will experience
sounds and sights and smells and touches and

695
00:40:11,720 --> 00:40:15,256
whatever in a much more exaggerated way a lot
of the time.

696
00:40:15,440 --> 00:40:18,964
Not all the time, because, again, one autistic
is different than another.

697
00:40:19,264 --> 00:40:23,056
Emotions affect them in a lot of ways like
that.

698
00:40:23,200 --> 00:40:29,444
For example, if it's a particular thing that
you feel very strongly about, you will pursue

699
00:40:30,784 --> 00:40:38,958
that subject or that perspective with
consistent emotion and consistent rationality,

700
00:40:39,136 --> 00:40:46,098
whereas an autistic person often experiences
emotions in very exaggerated ways.

701
00:40:46,266 --> 00:40:51,794
Like, I feel very strongly about this
particular school where I want one of the kids

702
00:40:51,834 --> 00:41:01,538
to go, and my response might be to say that
it's, I don't know, I'll try and clean it up a

703
00:41:01,546 --> 00:41:06,966
little bit, but it's absolutely unacceptable
in this circumstance.

704
00:41:07,030 --> 00:41:12,318
And you clearly don't understand and you don't
care about how I feel about this.

705
00:41:12,446 --> 00:41:15,950
And it's very upsetting that you wouldn't even
consider this.

706
00:41:15,982 --> 00:41:18,354
And you know that this is not where I stand.

707
00:41:18,654 --> 00:41:21,366
It's a very disproportionate response,

708
00:41:21,510 --> 00:41:27,014
especially considering that at its very core,
I'm dealing with someone who is my partner,

709
00:41:27,094 --> 00:41:32,470
who I love, who loves me, who is very
reasonable, and who genuinely cared about.

710
00:41:32,502 --> 00:41:33,614
Leah: Me to a point.

711
00:41:33,694 --> 00:41:34,950
I'm not perfect either.

712
00:41:35,062 --> 00:41:40,214
Listen, so when you have an overt response
like that, my response is to feel unheard.

713
00:41:40,334 --> 00:41:40,662
Moshe: Right.

714
00:41:40,718 --> 00:41:45,654
Leah: And when I don't feel heard, I have a
tendency to talk to you louder, which comes

715
00:41:45,694 --> 00:41:47,350
across as yelling.

716
00:41:47,422 --> 00:41:47,878
Moshe: Yes.

717
00:41:47,966 --> 00:41:50,674
Leah: And that is a way to escalate a
situation.

718
00:41:50,974 --> 00:41:51,790
Always.

719
00:41:51,982 --> 00:41:54,966
I've been told by not, not few people that I'm

720
00:41:54,990 --> 00:41:55,966
a little bit too assertive.

721
00:41:55,990 --> 00:41:57,622
The last time was today, actually.

722
00:41:57,758 --> 00:42:02,586
My boss called me and said, maybe you can put
some emojis when you write emails because

723
00:42:02,650 --> 00:42:03,938
you're a little assertive.

724
00:42:04,026 --> 00:42:05,586
Moshe: You can be very direct in what you're
saying.

725
00:42:05,650 --> 00:42:07,874
Leah: Yeah. So I'm not perfect either.

726
00:42:08,034 --> 00:42:10,706
But one of my triggers is to feel unheard.

727
00:42:10,730 --> 00:42:14,546
And when I feel unheard, for whatever reason,
my instinct is to speak louder.

728
00:42:14,690 --> 00:42:15,374
Moshe: Right.

729
00:42:15,674 --> 00:42:19,938
So the consistent conclusion of this, whether

730
00:42:19,986 --> 00:42:24,762
we're talking about us or whether we're
talking about in general, is when you allow

731
00:42:24,818 --> 00:42:30,060
emotions to insert themselves into
discussions, you have to, number one, make

732
00:42:30,092 --> 00:42:32,940
them consistent with the topic that you're
discussing.

733
00:42:33,132 --> 00:42:36,412
And number two, you have to remember who
you're discussing it with.

734
00:42:36,508 --> 00:42:36,764
Leah: Right.

735
00:42:36,804 --> 00:42:37,668
Are you my enemy?

736
00:42:37,716 --> 00:42:38,756
We use that a lot.

737
00:42:38,860 --> 00:42:39,260
Moshe: Yeah.

738
00:42:39,332 --> 00:42:41,300
Leah: Are you my enemy?
I'm not your enemy.

739
00:42:41,412 --> 00:42:44,780
Moshe: And this is something that they
actually talk about a lot in couples therapy,

740
00:42:44,932 --> 00:42:50,668
where you have these constant arguments and
the therapist will say, well, do you feel that

741
00:42:50,716 --> 00:42:53,844
this person is your enemy?
Do you feel that this person is actively

742
00:42:53,884 --> 00:42:57,064
trying to harm you?
Do you feel that this person is regularly

743
00:42:57,104 --> 00:43:01,536
trying to undermine you or do things that will
negatively impact you?

744
00:43:01,640 --> 00:43:08,364
If not, then disproportionate emotional
reaction to a very reasonable discussion.

745
00:43:08,904 --> 00:43:13,240
Looks like you treating them like your
opponent rather than your partner.

746
00:43:13,432 --> 00:43:15,472
You're not trying to pull them into the mud.

747
00:43:15,528 --> 00:43:17,384
You're not trying to shoot them in the face.

748
00:43:17,544 --> 00:43:23,650
You're trying to express what could be a very
valid opinion, but you're doing it in a way

749
00:43:23,842 --> 00:43:27,490
like you're talking to your worst enemy
instead of the person that you love.

750
00:43:27,562 --> 00:43:30,306
Leah: What I find is helpful to me, and this
is very personal.

751
00:43:30,370 --> 00:43:35,026
I apologize if it makes anybody blush?
But when we're in a situation like that.

752
00:43:35,050 --> 00:43:37,362
So now we're discussing escalation and de
escalation.

753
00:43:37,418 --> 00:43:41,738
So the fastest way for us to escalate is for
him to make me feel unheard, and then for me

754
00:43:41,746 --> 00:43:42,498
to start yelling.

755
00:43:42,546 --> 00:43:45,010
It's not really yelling, but it's yelling

756
00:43:45,042 --> 00:43:45,354
enough.

757
00:43:45,434 --> 00:43:46,466
Moshe: It's talking loud.

758
00:43:46,530 --> 00:43:52,758
Leah: Yeah. A de escalation technique that I
use in that scenario is actually, I picture

759
00:43:52,806 --> 00:43:58,150
myself laying in your arms when we're having
pillow talk, going, would I talk to him this

760
00:43:58,182 --> 00:43:58,982
way?
Then?

761
00:43:59,158 --> 00:44:00,714
He's not a different person.

762
00:44:01,534 --> 00:44:03,310
And that helps?

763
00:44:03,502 --> 00:44:10,334
Moshe: Yes. And a lot of the things that work
for me are very similar and really just come

764
00:44:10,374 --> 00:44:19,346
back to a discussion that, you know, we had
where you said, do you honestly feel that I

765
00:44:19,370 --> 00:44:25,050
would do something to hurt you?
And so while something might make me feel,

766
00:44:25,082 --> 00:44:32,690
we'll say, very passionate, ultimately it
comes back to, do I feel that her position is

767
00:44:32,722 --> 00:44:37,338
meant to harm me?
If not, then, and it's always not, by the way,

768
00:44:37,466 --> 00:44:44,086
then is it reasonable for me to get this upset
over something that she's talking about that

769
00:44:44,110 --> 00:44:45,110
she believes?

770
00:44:45,222 --> 00:44:48,342
Leah: I mean, while fully acknowledging that
when you have this much proximity and

771
00:44:48,358 --> 00:44:52,646
closeness to another person, you can
accidentally hurt them, and that should always

772
00:44:52,710 --> 00:44:54,942
be able to be open and be a discussion.

773
00:44:55,118 --> 00:44:55,646
Moshe: Right.

774
00:44:55,750 --> 00:45:00,798
Leah: Your overarching thing should definitely
not be to hurt your partner.

775
00:45:00,966 --> 00:45:04,494
Moshe: No. What is that thing that your
bubbie.

776
00:45:04,534 --> 00:45:08,008
Leah: Told you that my zeta didn't come out of
the box that way?

777
00:45:08,176 --> 00:45:11,584
Moshe: That. But also, you were the master of
your own.

778
00:45:11,664 --> 00:45:13,488
Leah: Oh, he said you're the master of the
words.

779
00:45:13,536 --> 00:45:14,720
Until they're out of your mouth.

780
00:45:14,792 --> 00:45:15,328
Moshe: Exactly.

781
00:45:15,376 --> 00:45:18,920
Leah: She also used to say, your tongue is
going to hang you, but, you know, same

782
00:45:19,032 --> 00:45:19,856
difference.

783
00:45:20,040 --> 00:45:28,120
Moshe: So, essentially, when you have the
ability to process your thoughts and you give

784
00:45:28,152 --> 00:45:33,962
it, like, the extra second or two to ask
yourself, is this really the way that I want

785
00:45:33,978 --> 00:45:39,570
to present this to this person who loves me
and cares about me, then it might be able to

786
00:45:39,642 --> 00:45:41,466
sort of withhold these words.

787
00:45:41,650 --> 00:45:44,642
And this isn't like, an orwellian world where

788
00:45:44,658 --> 00:45:47,374
we're prosecuted for the thoughts that we
have.

789
00:45:48,074 --> 00:45:52,370
So you can think as dark as you want.

790
00:45:52,522 --> 00:45:55,970
I mean, shouldn't, but you can go over all

791
00:45:56,002 --> 00:45:58,790
these negative things in your head as much as
you want.

792
00:45:58,962 --> 00:46:04,558
But when you're ready for them to explode out
of your mouth, maybe take a second to go,

793
00:46:04,726 --> 00:46:05,326
maybe.

794
00:46:05,430 --> 00:46:07,278
Maybe don't say that again.

795
00:46:07,366 --> 00:46:08,078
Leah: A lot of the things.

796
00:46:08,126 --> 00:46:08,630
My baby.

797
00:46:08,662 --> 00:46:10,838
And for those who don't know what a bubby is,
that's my grandmother.

798
00:46:10,886 --> 00:46:15,558
That's my maternal grandmother, who basically
raised me because my mom had to work from a

799
00:46:15,566 --> 00:46:18,534
very young age, would drill things into my
head, and that was one of them.

800
00:46:18,574 --> 00:46:21,622
You are the master of your words until they
come out of your mouth.

801
00:46:21,758 --> 00:46:22,334
It was that.

802
00:46:22,374 --> 00:46:24,254
And hate is a very strong word.

803
00:46:24,294 --> 00:46:25,836
Don't use hate lightly.

804
00:46:25,900 --> 00:46:28,100
There were a lot of things, but it was

805
00:46:28,172 --> 00:46:30,484
basically designed to make me a better person.

806
00:46:30,644 --> 00:46:31,812
Moshe: She's a wonderful woman.

807
00:46:31,868 --> 00:46:32,788
I really loved her.

808
00:46:32,876 --> 00:46:33,516
Leah: Yeah, she was.

809
00:46:33,540 --> 00:46:34,704
She liked you a lot.

810
00:46:36,404 --> 00:46:40,204
So those are some good techniques to sort of
deescalate.

811
00:46:40,324 --> 00:46:46,188
Once you've deescalated to the point where you
can have a logical conversation, being literal

812
00:46:46,276 --> 00:46:51,668
and assertive are usually the ways to go,
especially when you have Amosha and Alayah,

813
00:46:51,796 --> 00:46:56,052
because Moshe and Leah both have certain
characteristics that, again, don't come across

814
00:46:56,148 --> 00:46:57,444
nice to everybody.

815
00:46:57,564 --> 00:46:58,724
We're both very assertive.

816
00:46:58,764 --> 00:47:00,924
We're both very strong personalities.

817
00:47:01,084 --> 00:47:02,596
We're both very intelligent.

818
00:47:02,660 --> 00:47:07,664
We both have very good ideas and very strong
basis for them.

819
00:47:08,644 --> 00:47:09,356
I don't know.

820
00:47:09,420 --> 00:47:12,700
You can continue to read into that as much as

821
00:47:12,732 --> 00:47:13,284
possible.

822
00:47:13,444 --> 00:47:14,020
Moshe: Yes.

823
00:47:14,132 --> 00:47:17,764
Leah: So you need to be literal and assertive
when you're speaking to one of us, because

824
00:47:17,804 --> 00:47:20,040
we're just going to be like, just tell me what
you want.

825
00:47:20,212 --> 00:47:20,928
Moshe: Right.

826
00:47:21,096 --> 00:47:25,016
And unfortunately, we came from a place in the

827
00:47:25,040 --> 00:47:32,800
world where there was definitely an
overemphasis on, you know, tailoring your

828
00:47:32,832 --> 00:47:40,856
words to be less aggressive or the concept of
not saying certain things because you don't

829
00:47:40,880 --> 00:47:45,628
want to hurt their feelings and being
respectful of everyone's feelings, and you

830
00:47:45,636 --> 00:47:47,824
don't want to be upsetting to their feelings.

831
00:47:48,124 --> 00:47:51,028
So you shouldn't say the things that you feel.

832
00:47:51,196 --> 00:47:53,564
You should say the things that are.

833
00:47:53,684 --> 00:47:55,524
Leah: Around what you feel like.

834
00:47:55,564 --> 00:47:59,428
Moshe: You should be more indirect, and
hopefully they'll pick it up, because the

835
00:47:59,476 --> 00:48:07,544
worst thing in the world is if you upset
someone, and the reality of the situation is

836
00:48:07,844 --> 00:48:13,062
if you're going to be indirect with someone,
then you can't expect the result to be what

837
00:48:13,078 --> 00:48:14,830
you're looking for a lot of the time.

838
00:48:14,902 --> 00:48:15,926
Leah: Absolutely.

839
00:48:16,110 --> 00:48:18,314
Moshe: So it's like the.

840
00:48:18,894 --> 00:48:20,274
It's like the joke.

841
00:48:21,574 --> 00:48:23,366
I'm gonna get nerdy for a second.

842
00:48:23,510 --> 00:48:25,798
It's like the joke that.

843
00:48:25,926 --> 00:48:28,874
Okay, let's talk about dungeons and dragons
for a second.

844
00:48:29,574 --> 00:48:30,558
I'm sorry.

845
00:48:30,726 --> 00:48:31,954
I'll be very quick.

846
00:48:32,494 --> 00:48:38,686
It is the won't of when you're playing a game
of dungeons and dragons and you encounter a

847
00:48:38,710 --> 00:48:46,406
jinn or a genie or anything that grants
wishes, the dungeon master will often feel to

848
00:48:46,430 --> 00:48:51,630
adopt the personality of the person to try and
take what the players are asking for and make

849
00:48:51,662 --> 00:48:55,774
it as negative as possible in the verbiage.

850
00:48:55,854 --> 00:48:56,118
Leah: Right.

851
00:48:56,166 --> 00:49:00,366
Moshe: So they always say that you have to be
very careful what you wish for because you're

852
00:49:00,390 --> 00:49:03,034
going to get it exactly the way you ask for
it.

853
00:49:03,494 --> 00:49:08,378
For example, someone would ask for a million
dollars, and they would say, okay.

854
00:49:08,506 --> 00:49:09,714
Leah: I need to get it all in pennies.

855
00:49:09,754 --> 00:49:13,202
Moshe: Or you get it all in pennies, or worse,
I want to be a millionaire.

856
00:49:13,258 --> 00:49:14,162
Fantastic.

857
00:49:14,258 --> 00:49:15,546
You just robbed the bank.

858
00:49:15,690 --> 00:49:16,922
Here's all the money.

859
00:49:17,098 --> 00:49:18,338
The police are on their way.

860
00:49:18,386 --> 00:49:19,410
Good luck with that.

861
00:49:19,562 --> 00:49:21,674
And that is essentially what you're asking

862
00:49:21,714 --> 00:49:22,154
for.

863
00:49:22,274 --> 00:49:25,778
If you are asking for a particular thing, ask

864
00:49:25,826 --> 00:49:31,146
for the thing that you want in exactly the
form that you want to receive it if you want.

865
00:49:31,330 --> 00:49:33,858
And we talked about the different
communication styles.

866
00:49:33,906 --> 00:49:34,234
Passive.

867
00:49:34,274 --> 00:49:34,954
Passive aggressive.

868
00:49:34,994 --> 00:49:36,286
Aggressive and assertive.

869
00:49:36,450 --> 00:49:39,054
If you want attention from your partner and

870
00:49:39,094 --> 00:49:42,454
say, would you be able to sit with me and talk
for a second?

871
00:49:42,574 --> 00:49:43,166
Don't be.

872
00:49:43,230 --> 00:49:43,686
You know what?

873
00:49:43,710 --> 00:49:44,718
I'm so lonely.

874
00:49:44,766 --> 00:49:46,366
I wish someone would just sit with me and

875
00:49:46,390 --> 00:49:47,914
spend some time with me.

876
00:49:48,814 --> 00:49:52,038
Or it would be really nice if we could go to,

877
00:49:52,126 --> 00:49:53,814
like, a nice restaurant tonight.

878
00:49:53,894 --> 00:49:55,710
Leah: No one's kissed me in a while.

879
00:49:55,782 --> 00:49:58,238
I wonder if there's anybody around who could

880
00:49:58,286 --> 00:49:59,558
give me a kiss.

881
00:49:59,726 --> 00:50:02,006
Moshe: It's okay if you don't want to spend
time with me.

882
00:50:02,030 --> 00:50:03,394
I guess I'll be fine.

883
00:50:05,814 --> 00:50:07,846
The stereotype of the jewish mother is like,

884
00:50:07,870 --> 00:50:08,390
that's okay.

885
00:50:08,422 --> 00:50:09,662
I'll sit in the dark now.

886
00:50:09,718 --> 00:50:11,054
Leah: Stay home and sit in the dark.

887
00:50:11,094 --> 00:50:12,638
And you can come get me when you're done.

888
00:50:12,726 --> 00:50:13,354
Moshe: Right.

889
00:50:14,974 --> 00:50:17,390
The joke is, how many jewish mothers does it

890
00:50:17,422 --> 00:50:22,102
take to change a light bulb?
And the answer is, it doesn't really matter.

891
00:50:22,278 --> 00:50:23,102
Leah: I'll just sit in the dark.

892
00:50:23,118 --> 00:50:24,238
Moshe: I'll just sit in the dark.

893
00:50:24,366 --> 00:50:26,074
You don't have to worry about me.

894
00:50:26,414 --> 00:50:27,966
That describes my mother.

895
00:50:28,030 --> 00:50:30,736
It's not meant to be offensive, but that's

896
00:50:30,800 --> 00:50:33,536
essentially where the concept comes from.

897
00:50:33,560 --> 00:50:35,240
And if you've met my mother, that's exactly

898
00:50:35,272 --> 00:50:35,992
where she'd be.

899
00:50:36,088 --> 00:50:37,616
It's like, don't worry, I'll just sit in the

900
00:50:37,640 --> 00:50:38,112
dark.

901
00:50:38,248 --> 00:50:39,404
It doesn't matter.

902
00:50:39,904 --> 00:50:43,584
Clearly, you don't care about me sitting in
the light, so I'll just sit in the dark.

903
00:50:43,664 --> 00:50:44,592
It's fine.

904
00:50:44,768 --> 00:50:47,688
Leah: Passive aggressive to the so, yeah,
that's.

905
00:50:47,776 --> 00:50:51,328
Moshe: So when you want something, when I want
something from Leah, I'll ask for it.

906
00:50:51,456 --> 00:50:54,804
Would you be able to hug me?
Could we have a conversation?

907
00:50:55,764 --> 00:50:57,104
And you'll do the same.

908
00:50:57,404 --> 00:51:00,340
You'll tell me what you want, and we're

909
00:51:00,372 --> 00:51:02,588
discussing what we're discussing.

910
00:51:02,636 --> 00:51:03,468
Leah: We'll discussing it.

911
00:51:03,516 --> 00:51:04,876
Moshe: We'll discussing it.

912
00:51:05,060 --> 00:51:06,664
That's one for the blueprint.

913
00:51:07,004 --> 00:51:11,024
We'll discuss it in a future episode.

914
00:51:11,444 --> 00:51:14,740
The whole concept of you should have known or

915
00:51:14,772 --> 00:51:15,420
you shouldn't know.

916
00:51:15,452 --> 00:51:16,996
This, that's the worst.

917
00:51:17,180 --> 00:51:18,504
You should know.

918
00:51:19,124 --> 00:51:23,448
Sometimes makes sense, sometimes not so much.

919
00:51:23,536 --> 00:51:24,888
Leah: You should know I love you.

920
00:51:24,936 --> 00:51:26,936
And my response is, I do know you love me.

921
00:51:26,960 --> 00:51:28,056
Now I want you to show me.

922
00:51:28,080 --> 00:51:29,952
I want hugs and kisses and romance.

923
00:51:30,088 --> 00:51:33,044
Moshe: Right?
Any final thoughts?

924
00:51:33,744 --> 00:51:36,888
Leah: No, I think I would like to leave it
with being literal and assertive because

925
00:51:36,936 --> 00:51:39,848
that's, you know, that's my strong suit, I
gotta say.

926
00:51:40,016 --> 00:51:41,160
Moshe: Take it away, leah.

927
00:51:41,272 --> 00:51:41,712
Leah: All right.

928
00:51:41,768 --> 00:51:43,376
Thank you very much for listening.

929
00:51:43,440 --> 00:51:48,152
Please listen, download, share, send us your
feedback, positive or negative, as long as it

930
00:51:48,168 --> 00:51:49,688
comes from a constructive place.

931
00:51:49,816 --> 00:51:54,544
Moshe: Yes, our email is
contactowyouknowoneautistic.com.

932
00:51:54,624 --> 00:51:56,872
i believe you can like and comment.

933
00:51:56,968 --> 00:51:57,712
Leah: We're on TikTok.

934
00:51:57,768 --> 00:51:58,728
We're active on TikTok.

935
00:51:58,776 --> 00:51:59,792
Moshe: We're active on TikTok.

936
00:51:59,848 --> 00:52:01,176
Mostly just fun stuff.

937
00:52:01,240 --> 00:52:02,144
We have YouTube.

938
00:52:02,184 --> 00:52:02,824
It's all audio.

939
00:52:02,864 --> 00:52:04,208
No video for now.

940
00:52:04,376 --> 00:52:08,040
And you can go to our podbeam website and look

941
00:52:08,152 --> 00:52:11,320
there and we'll talk to you next time.

942
00:52:11,352 --> 00:52:12,484
Leah: We'll see you next time.

943
00:52:12,864 --> 00:52:14,680
Moshe: Well, that's our show for today.

944
00:52:14,832 --> 00:52:17,144
Now, you know when autistic just a little bit

945
00:52:17,184 --> 00:52:17,764
better.

946
00:52:18,214 --> 00:52:21,614
So something you may not know about some

947
00:52:21,654 --> 00:52:26,114
autistics is that we often struggle with
ending social interactions.

948
00:52:26,534 --> 00:52:28,154
So leah.

949
00:52:28,934 --> 00:52:29,998
Leah: All right, Moshe.

950
00:52:30,046 --> 00:52:31,358
I'll take care of it.

951
00:52:31,526 --> 00:52:34,422
Thank you for listening to now you know, one
autistic.

952
00:52:34,478 --> 00:52:35,254
See you next week.